Peter A. Kenny's
Adoption and Foster Care Law Blog
Here, I write about foster parenting and legal issues related to foster care and adoption.
New posts come twice a month.
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Ideas from an attorney and a psychologist on how to raise foster and adopted children
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My 18-year-old adopted son will be graduating from high school in the Spring. I want him to apply to college and receive an education. He wants to get a job. Help.
The fact that he is adopted should make no difference. You should respond the same way you would if he were your birth child. But before you do, here are a few things you might consider.
Prevention by reining in a teen’s time away from home late at night is a good parental strategy. It is important to know where your youngsters are, especially later at night. Especially for teens when the odds go up for car crashes, sex, and other life-changing events.
Attorney Peter Kenny announces the publication of his third book: Making a Difference: Foster Care and Adoption. His book contains over 70 single-page topics, all of which are of major interest to foster and adoptive parents. The book is inspiring, and practical, a quick and easy read.
By Mary Kenny
I am so unfulfilled I have a house a car a job a loving spouse But I have no child. I need a child- I need a child so I can grow- Maybe I should adopt. *** I am so blessed I have a home a car a job a loving spouse But I have no child. I have so much to share. I need to help a child- Help a child to grow- Maybe I should adopt.
Foster parents, like other people, learn best from experience. Which means that those new to fostering are at a disadvantage. Even if they have already raised children of their own, Foster parenting presents some unique challenges.
A friend of mine complained that his eleven- and thirteen-year-old foster sons frequently spiced their talk with crude sexual and violent words.
Your new foster child appears at your door, frequently with nothing more than bare essentials.
To raise consciousness about how a child feels at that moment, here is a memorable exercise that has been used during foster parent training. To begin, the leader asks you to write down on five separate slips of paper the five things you value most.
Five-year-olds and up are capable of learning and performing several household chores.
"We have had our five-year-old foster daughter for six months and are hoping to adopt her. She causes no trouble but is like a shy little mouse with few words and big eyes. How can we break through and communicate with her?"
Frequently at foster parent gatherings the organizers will trot out a young man or woman who grew up in foster care and is now educated and successful in a career as a teacher, writer, or in another productive field. This child would be a high achiever in any field, but remains unusual. Most adopted children, like all developing youngsters, are works in progress.
“We have had our foster child for almost two years and nothing seems to be happening. Mother makes a little progress and then relapses. How long will this go on? When does the state give up on reunification and look for another permanent home?”
“Constantly in motion. That’s our first-grader, Jonny. If I can get him to stop for a minute, he stays poised on the edge of his seat, ready to run off as soon as I say okay….His mind is just as undisciplined, jumping from one thought to another. Homework time is a nightmare. His doctor prescribed medication to calm him without much success. Any ideas?”
One simple and meaningful way to get to know your foster/adopted child is to help him or her collect their history in pictures and stories in their own homemade personal book. Whether you are able to adopt the child or not, a picture-story book will become a treasure for a child who lacks “possessions.”
The child fares better when foster parents and the birth parent can get along. Mutual distrust and hostility, often based on a lack of information, serve no one. You don’t have to agree with one another. But foster parents do need to withhold judgment. And show courtesy and respect for the person.
To paraphrase the former Peace Corps slogan, foster parenting is the toughest job you’ll ever love. You have chosen a difficult path. Instead of a big cheering section, you are likely to face problems, and even be blamed unfairly when things go wrong.
We were attending Grandparents’ Day at the elementary school of our youngest grandchildren. Several of the children were showing pictures of themselves as babies being held and admired by their grandparents. “I don’t have any baby pictures,” my young granddaughter said matter-of-factly. “I don’t know what I looked like when I was a baby.”
Why older foster children think teen adoption is a great idea:
“As a football coach, I always had to be ready to overcome unexpected challenges. With injuries, crowd noise, and especially weather, the game plan is always adjusting to adversity.”
My father, Dr. Jim Kenny, wrote the following article on how he felt about being the adoptive father of my brother and three sisters.
In my last blog entry, I asked you to imagine welcoming your new ten-year-old foster son. He certainly feels alone and scared and may express that by acting cocksure, or more likely quiet and reserved at first. From a psychologist who was also a foster parent, here are a few hints on how you might respond.
Imagine your new foster son has just come in the door. His name is Eric, he is ten years old, and is clutching a paper sack holding everything he owns. Not much. You greet him warmly and tell him he is welcome. But you don’t really know him. All you have to go by are your expectations. Here are a few thoughts you might consider.
Caseworkers and DCS conferences do not have the final word about removal, placement, and possible adoption of Indiana children in foster care. Courts are where these ultimate decisions are made. Foster parents have rights to be heard in court.
My father, Dr. Jim Kenny, with the help of an artist from Stone Belt in Indiana, recently wrote a children’s story about a little monkey who loses both parents and begins searching the jungle, looking for them. After many adventures, he discovers a family of chimpanzees who offer him a permanent home. Little Lost Monkey is a foster-to-adopt story.
Here is our definition which has been used to support adoption in many courts throughout the US: “Bonding is a significant reciprocal attachment which both parties want and expect to continue, and is interrupted at peril to the parties involved.” Interrupted bonding is strongly correlated with adult mental illness, crime, poverty, and homelessness. Bonding can be demonstrated by 24/7the amount of time spent together, by community support, and by statements from the parties involved.
A cooperative adoption allows for some continuing post-adoption contact. This usually involves a nominal offering of information about the child and/or the exchange of cards, letters and photos. Less frequently, personal visits may be permitted on special occasions. It may make sense when the birth parent fears giving up all future connection with her child.
A Middle School teacher began the following story and asked his students to make up an ending: One child’s story finished very differently.
“My pre-teen-age boys get into fights regularly,” complained one foster parent. “It’s hard to stop them. My caseworker warns me against punishment. Help!”
The strongest material you can have in advocating for your foster child is a well-documented daily journal. Keeping a daily journal assists you when reporting to the Child Welfare Department or advocating for your foster child at case conferences and at court hearings, especially adoption. When opinions are divided, your journal provides you with reasons and documentation for your views.
Whatever happened to the old adage: “Experience is the best teacher”? Most would agree that is true. So why the heavy reliance on agency-run workshops or classes for foster parent training? Parenting can be learned and improved in several ways.
For too many people, discipline is equated with punishment. This creates a special problem for foster children who have already suffered from abuse and neglect. In actual fact, punishment is a rather ineffective method for obtaining compliance. There are other methods that work better. Here are a few ideas.
Many different subsidies are available for Indiana foster parents who wish to adopt. They include continuing your monthly payments, providing health insurance, reimbursing you for some of your adoption expenses, a federal income tax credit, and help with college tuition. Your new child is entitled to all the financial support that is offered.
My mother’s wrote: “We raised twelve children, both ‘homemade’ and adopted. People often ask me how I did it. But then I met Ralph. Ralph is the one who makes me ask, ‘How do you do it?’”
I want to share Carol Lynn Pearson’s moving poem on adoption.
You may have been thinking about adoption. How does a family go about making that decision? Like marriage, adoption involves a lifetime commitment. Not a step to take lightly.
Here are a few thoughts about when and why foster parents might benefit from legal help.
My admiration for what foster and adoptive parents do is boundless. I am honored to be their attorney. They have tackled the toughest job I can imagine, offering their home to already damaged youngsters who may well take out their misdirected anger on the “new” parents.
The Kenny Law Blog will offer a brief twice-monthly comment on issues of interest to foster parents, especially those who are considering adoption.
Foster Care for Tomorrow
June 29, 2021Foster care has changed. Has anyone noticed? The DCS can no longer count on foster families with a stay-at-home parent. Certain goals for children in temporary care remain the same. Care should be brief, safe, and lead to permanence either through reunification or with a new permanent situation. To keep up with our society as it exists today, we have three simple recommendations. First, pay foster parents a wage comparable to a second job within the family. The family thus gains an adequate income, reduces the time spent commuting, possibly even requires one less car. The foster child is cared for in a family setting. The foster parent has the time and energy for full time parenting and can derive satisfaction from contributing both to the family and to the community and the needs of children. Second, re-think group living. Group living has had the negative connotation of living in an institution, beset by rules and headed by authoritarian figures devoid of warmth and personal concern. But group living can embrace other models. Consider collecting older children in groups of ten or less, and placing them in four-bedroom houses, managed by two salaried house parents. Hopefully, people living together in small groups will create their own culture and homelike environment. Third, enlist former foster youth to become advisers, foster care staff, and even house parents. In education, health care and similar fields persons who have benefited from the system often seek a career that allows them to give back. Foster youth who have had a good experience within the system might be attracted to such a job. And who better as critics, advisers, and employees than those with first-hand experience. These and other ideas are but brief sketches. Changes cost money. As a society, we must decide if our needy children are worth the expense. Changing an approach requires vision and risk and probably includes many false steps along the way. But the one thing we know for sure is that a system that relies on a society that no longer exists has little chance of success.read moreConnecting to Your Kids
June 1, 2021Here are five hints on making connections with your hard-to-reach foster child. LISTEN AND OBSERVE. Begin where your child is. Let him or her teach you how to reach him. Does he play games on his handheld device? Try playing with him. Does his face show emotion? Put it into words for him or make a face back. FOCUS ON THE GOOD STUFF. When you observe any behavior worth affirming, encourage it with a touch, a “high five,” or a thank you. Pay attention to the small positive happenings. DON’T JUDGE. Judging those around us is the biggest obstacle to satisfactory relationships. (aka love). Educator Maria Montessori wisely commented that the more you want to give counsel, the more the child needs support. When your child needs correction or direction, far more effective to take the responsibility on yourself. Use “I” messages. “I get upset when you…..” Or “I can’t let you do that anymore.” BEHIND EVERY ANGER, THERE’S A HURT. If you can reach past the anger to touch the hurt or pain, the child’s anger may dissolve. After mother insisted on curfew, her child called her an obscene name. Dad responded angrily: “Don’t you ever talk to your mother like that again.” If instead, dad had responded to the child that “This must be a hard time for you,” the conflict might have changed. Or even with a simple “Ouch!” Dad could try “I” messages as mentioned above. If those fail to defuse the emotions, dad can always take personal command. “Because I say so’ or “That’s the way it’s going to be.” Then, ignoring the angry comment or outburst. fix the curfew problem. ENCOURAGE POSITIVE EMOTIONS. Two-year-old Steve jumps up and down and laughs. Jump up and down with him. Try gymnastics together. Draw and color with your reluctant youngster. Take walks with your child, notice what you see, and make up stories like Dr. Seuss did in “To Think that I Saw It on Mulberry Street.” Tell stories. Dance and sing with your quiet child. Plan situations designed to arouse or stimulate her. And never discourage a passionate interest.read moreImagine How a Foster Child Feels
May 18, 2021Foster parents in training are sometimes asked to write down the ten people or things they value most on separate slips of paper. Next, they are asked to give up one, throw it into the trash basket, and discuss their loss among themselves. One by one, they are asked to get rid of the items they value, throwing the papers away as they reflect on what they have lot. Until finally they arrive at their last treasure. Give that up too. And that is how a foster child feels when he first comes to your house. Now take this one step further. Time drags on in the new foster home but nothing happens. The child becomes attached and so do the foster parents. But still nothing happens. The child wonders if anyone really cares enough to make a family commitment. As hope for permanence declines, how long before the child gives up? Foster children are family temps Shuffled and shunted from home to home Often passed along by time to graduation into independent living Their affect flattened and neutered by society’s unconcern No surprise that they strike back in dispassionate anger Offending a society that has not befriended themread moreFoster Care Has Changed
May 4, 2021“What did Grandma do for a job?” asked my 12-year-old nephew, Jack. “Well,” I replied, “she raised your dad and me and our ten brothers and sisters, was a foster parent to many more, took care of our 14-room house, and even took care of her dad when he got old and lived with us.” “Yes, but what did she really do for a job?” Jack persisted. I was dumbfounded. Jack could not grasp the fact that his grandma worked at home without a paycheck. In our society today the stay-at-home parent is unusual. Most families, foster and otherwise, rely on two working parents for support. Children attend school or are placed in daycare while their parents are away at work. Our social structure has changed in other ways as well. People move frequently and they move great distances. Communities are less stable and fewer families know their neighbors well, if at all. Empty nesters sell the family home, often moving to a far distant location. Extended families may get together once or twice a year and then only briefly. Rarer is the household today that enjoys strong support from neighbors and extended family. Parents today are apt to work in different locations, frequently requiring one or two long commutes. Children’s activities often require chauffeuring for practices, games, performances. The family is on the road much of the time. Families feel pressed to eke out any time in an entire week that is not scheduled. Because of these many changes in our society, the current structure of foster parenting is less viable. Foster parents are in short supply, not because people are less generous, but because they live in a new and different world. The old social system is not coming back. And providing temporary out-of-home care for our most vulnerable children must operate within these new realities. Certain goals for children in temporary care remain the same. Care should be brief, safe, and lead to permanence either through reunification or with a new permanent situation. Finding ways to meet these goals within our new social structure is the current challenge. See our next blog for our three recommendations.read more