Peter A. Kenny's
Adoption and Foster Care Law Blog
Here, I write about foster parenting and legal issues related to foster care and adoption.
New posts come twice a month.
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Ideas from an attorney and a psychologist on how to raise foster and adopted children
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My 18-year-old adopted son will be graduating from high school in the Spring. I want him to apply to college and receive an education. He wants to get a job. Help.
The fact that he is adopted should make no difference. You should respond the same way you would if he were your birth child. But before you do, here are a few things you might consider.
Prevention by reining in a teen’s time away from home late at night is a good parental strategy. It is important to know where your youngsters are, especially later at night. Especially for teens when the odds go up for car crashes, sex, and other life-changing events.
Attorney Peter Kenny announces the publication of his third book: Making a Difference: Foster Care and Adoption. His book contains over 70 single-page topics, all of which are of major interest to foster and adoptive parents. The book is inspiring, and practical, a quick and easy read.
By Mary Kenny
I am so unfulfilled I have a house a car a job a loving spouse But I have no child. I need a child- I need a child so I can grow- Maybe I should adopt. *** I am so blessed I have a home a car a job a loving spouse But I have no child. I have so much to share. I need to help a child- Help a child to grow- Maybe I should adopt.
Foster parents, like other people, learn best from experience. Which means that those new to fostering are at a disadvantage. Even if they have already raised children of their own, Foster parenting presents some unique challenges.
A friend of mine complained that his eleven- and thirteen-year-old foster sons frequently spiced their talk with crude sexual and violent words.
Your new foster child appears at your door, frequently with nothing more than bare essentials.
To raise consciousness about how a child feels at that moment, here is a memorable exercise that has been used during foster parent training. To begin, the leader asks you to write down on five separate slips of paper the five things you value most.
Five-year-olds and up are capable of learning and performing several household chores.
"We have had our five-year-old foster daughter for six months and are hoping to adopt her. She causes no trouble but is like a shy little mouse with few words and big eyes. How can we break through and communicate with her?"
Frequently at foster parent gatherings the organizers will trot out a young man or woman who grew up in foster care and is now educated and successful in a career as a teacher, writer, or in another productive field. This child would be a high achiever in any field, but remains unusual. Most adopted children, like all developing youngsters, are works in progress.
“We have had our foster child for almost two years and nothing seems to be happening. Mother makes a little progress and then relapses. How long will this go on? When does the state give up on reunification and look for another permanent home?”
“Constantly in motion. That’s our first-grader, Jonny. If I can get him to stop for a minute, he stays poised on the edge of his seat, ready to run off as soon as I say okay….His mind is just as undisciplined, jumping from one thought to another. Homework time is a nightmare. His doctor prescribed medication to calm him without much success. Any ideas?”
One simple and meaningful way to get to know your foster/adopted child is to help him or her collect their history in pictures and stories in their own homemade personal book. Whether you are able to adopt the child or not, a picture-story book will become a treasure for a child who lacks “possessions.”
The child fares better when foster parents and the birth parent can get along. Mutual distrust and hostility, often based on a lack of information, serve no one. You don’t have to agree with one another. But foster parents do need to withhold judgment. And show courtesy and respect for the person.
To paraphrase the former Peace Corps slogan, foster parenting is the toughest job you’ll ever love. You have chosen a difficult path. Instead of a big cheering section, you are likely to face problems, and even be blamed unfairly when things go wrong.
We were attending Grandparents’ Day at the elementary school of our youngest grandchildren. Several of the children were showing pictures of themselves as babies being held and admired by their grandparents. “I don’t have any baby pictures,” my young granddaughter said matter-of-factly. “I don’t know what I looked like when I was a baby.”
Why older foster children think teen adoption is a great idea:
“As a football coach, I always had to be ready to overcome unexpected challenges. With injuries, crowd noise, and especially weather, the game plan is always adjusting to adversity.”
My father, Dr. Jim Kenny, wrote the following article on how he felt about being the adoptive father of my brother and three sisters.
In my last blog entry, I asked you to imagine welcoming your new ten-year-old foster son. He certainly feels alone and scared and may express that by acting cocksure, or more likely quiet and reserved at first. From a psychologist who was also a foster parent, here are a few hints on how you might respond.
Imagine your new foster son has just come in the door. His name is Eric, he is ten years old, and is clutching a paper sack holding everything he owns. Not much. You greet him warmly and tell him he is welcome. But you don’t really know him. All you have to go by are your expectations. Here are a few thoughts you might consider.
Caseworkers and DCS conferences do not have the final word about removal, placement, and possible adoption of Indiana children in foster care. Courts are where these ultimate decisions are made. Foster parents have rights to be heard in court.
My father, Dr. Jim Kenny, with the help of an artist from Stone Belt in Indiana, recently wrote a children’s story about a little monkey who loses both parents and begins searching the jungle, looking for them. After many adventures, he discovers a family of chimpanzees who offer him a permanent home. Little Lost Monkey is a foster-to-adopt story.
Here is our definition which has been used to support adoption in many courts throughout the US: “Bonding is a significant reciprocal attachment which both parties want and expect to continue, and is interrupted at peril to the parties involved.” Interrupted bonding is strongly correlated with adult mental illness, crime, poverty, and homelessness. Bonding can be demonstrated by 24/7the amount of time spent together, by community support, and by statements from the parties involved.
A cooperative adoption allows for some continuing post-adoption contact. This usually involves a nominal offering of information about the child and/or the exchange of cards, letters and photos. Less frequently, personal visits may be permitted on special occasions. It may make sense when the birth parent fears giving up all future connection with her child.
A Middle School teacher began the following story and asked his students to make up an ending: One child’s story finished very differently.
“My pre-teen-age boys get into fights regularly,” complained one foster parent. “It’s hard to stop them. My caseworker warns me against punishment. Help!”
The strongest material you can have in advocating for your foster child is a well-documented daily journal. Keeping a daily journal assists you when reporting to the Child Welfare Department or advocating for your foster child at case conferences and at court hearings, especially adoption. When opinions are divided, your journal provides you with reasons and documentation for your views.
Whatever happened to the old adage: “Experience is the best teacher”? Most would agree that is true. So why the heavy reliance on agency-run workshops or classes for foster parent training? Parenting can be learned and improved in several ways.
For too many people, discipline is equated with punishment. This creates a special problem for foster children who have already suffered from abuse and neglect. In actual fact, punishment is a rather ineffective method for obtaining compliance. There are other methods that work better. Here are a few ideas.
Many different subsidies are available for Indiana foster parents who wish to adopt. They include continuing your monthly payments, providing health insurance, reimbursing you for some of your adoption expenses, a federal income tax credit, and help with college tuition. Your new child is entitled to all the financial support that is offered.
My mother’s wrote: “We raised twelve children, both ‘homemade’ and adopted. People often ask me how I did it. But then I met Ralph. Ralph is the one who makes me ask, ‘How do you do it?’”
I want to share Carol Lynn Pearson’s moving poem on adoption.
You may have been thinking about adoption. How does a family go about making that decision? Like marriage, adoption involves a lifetime commitment. Not a step to take lightly.
Here are a few thoughts about when and why foster parents might benefit from legal help.
My admiration for what foster and adoptive parents do is boundless. I am honored to be their attorney. They have tackled the toughest job I can imagine, offering their home to already damaged youngsters who may well take out their misdirected anger on the “new” parents.
The Kenny Law Blog will offer a brief twice-monthly comment on issues of interest to foster parents, especially those who are considering adoption.
Who Gives of Himself (Herself)
July 16, 2019James Russell Lowell, in his epic poem, The Vision of Sir Launfal, writes of a knight who goes off in search of the cup which Jesus shared with his followers at his last supper. As the knight begins his quest, he barely noticed a leper seated by the gate. He tosses him a gold piece and gallops on. At the end, after many adventures but nevertheless, unsuccessful in his search for the Holy Grail, he returns in rags. He has no horse, no fine armor, nothing but a crust of bread. The leper is still there. He takes the leper’s cup, fills it at the nearby stream, and sits down next to him. The beggar becomes Jesus. He speaks to the knight in words that might equally be offered to foster and adoptive parents. Lo, it is I, be not afraid! In many climes, without avail, Thou had spent thy life for the Holy Grail; Behold, it is here, – this cup which thou Didst fill at the streamlet for me but now; This crust is my body broken for thee, This water His blood that died on the tree; The Holy Supper is kept, indeed, In whatso we share with another's need, – Not that which we give, but what we share, – For the gift without the giver is bare; Who bestows himself with his alms feeds three, – Himself, his hungering neighbor, and me."read moreOn Adopting a Foster Child
July 2, 2019(Excerpted from an article by Nicole Sanchez in the Seattle Times) My husband and I recently adopted our beautiful two-year-old son. When I share this amazing news with people, I sometimes get a response that, well, stings. They usually ask me what country we adopted him from. When I reply "Tacoma," their eyes get big. After I proudly tell them that we adopted him out of the foster care system, sometimes their eyes get even bigger, and all of a sudden they have nothing to say. Then there’s another group of people who start sharing "horror stories" of how they knew someone who adopted and it failed miserably. What is going on? What is wrong with people? A child is a child, no matter where they are from. We have to change the way we think about orphans and foster children. They are all God’s gift to us and are truly our hope for the future. Adoption in any form is the greatest expression of love, but what I cannot understand is why so many people do not have room in their hearts for children in their own backward. Every child deserves a forever family. Every child. They are not in foster care because of anything they did. It is because of their parents’ mistakes. And don’t forget, biological children have problems too. For some, they never get a forever family and they age out of the system. Can you imagine? Never having a family to celebrate your birthday with. No mom or dad to call for help. Who is going to walk you down the aisle? Where are you going to spend the holidays? Thanksgiving? Christmas?read moreVacations with Foster Kids
June 18, 2019Everyone needs to get away from difficult or boring routines. As foster parents, struggling with damaged children and with little money to waste, you need a break more than most. A getaway also provides you with the opportunity to bond with your child through new adventuring. Here are a few ideas on where you might go in Indiana and what to do. (To leave the state, you need permission from your caseworker and the judge.) First, a getaway can be as brief as a one-day trip or extended to two weeks or more. Our favorite in central Indiana is the Children’s Museum which has loads of child-centered exhibits plus a huge outdoor sports complex. Licensed Indiana foster parents currently caring for a foster child are eligible for a free full one-year membership. This also applies to any other children under 21 living in the same household. Plan a full day to explore. We live along the canal in downtown Indianapolis. Walking a three-mile trail along our canal, we can feed the ducks and geese, check out well-kept plants and flowers, and have an over-choice of places to visit. We pass several museums, including the Eiteljorg (native American), the Indiana State museum, Indiana Historical Society, and the NCAA headquarters. At the south end is the home ballpark of the Indianapolis Indians, a fun place to watch a top minor league team. And the Indianapolis Zoo. And much more. To the south, Holiday World a combination theme and water park, is located in Santa Claus, Indiana. In the Hammond/Gary area, check out “Kid-friendly activities in northern Indiana” on the internet. Our favorite vacation was camping. I think we explored every state park in Indiana. Many have lodges but we preferred to camp in tents or in our converted school bus. We had a campers’ kitchen stocked and ready to go for a week or a weekend. Our favorite repeats were Lincoln State Park, Turkey Run, and McCormick’s Creek. For those preferring more indoor fun, hotels throughout Indiana are looking for business. You can usually find a brief or longer slot for an affordable cost on www.priceline.com or similar websites. Select your time and the place you want to go. And search on line for a deal. Get away with your kids, even for a brief adventure. Limit use of cell phones to an hour per day. Provide the setting and use your children’s imagination to wander and explore.read moreTime Out for Foster Parents
June 4, 2019Be gentle with yourself. You are your child’s biggest and best resource. Remember when you first get on a plane? The stewardess is giving safety instructions. In case of emergency, if you are traveling with a small child, she tells you to put on your own oxygen mask first. Without you, your child may be lost. That same principle applies to foster parents. Everyone needs a break, especially foster and adoptive parents, who are on duty 24/7. Pace yourself, or there will be nothing left to provide the special parenting that your kids require. Anticipate, and build in normal escapes, the way ordinary parents do. Unless you are either a saint or a masochist, you and your spouse need to get away for an evening once every week or two. Go out to dinner together. Visit with friends. Take in a show. Go to a ball game. As long as you are available and willing to meet any of your foster child’s needs, that should be sufficient for a short time away. “Indiana DCS does not consider field trips and sleepovers to be respite care when the resource parent(s) maintains care and control for the child while the child is absent from the resource home i.e., the resource parent(s) is available and willing to meet any of the child’s needs which may arise.” (DCS Child Welfare Policy Manual 8:17) Respite care refers to longer periods of time away, four to fourteen days. With your adoptive children, that presents no problem. For foster children, however, DCS policy says you need to leave them in care of a safe person. A “safe” person is defined as someone who has passed a criminal background check. That’s not hard to arrange but it may take some anticipation. Extended family members are an obvious choice. Grandparents, aunts and uncles, and older siblings are ideal. Call your agency or your DCS case manager and arrange a once-and-for-all background check for any potential temporary caregivers. In fact, this may be a wise thing to do when you first get your foster parent license. Another possibility: If you know other foster parents nearby, work out an exchange. Trade off child care. You can make the exchange a short vacation for your child. If you don’t know anyone, call your case manager and find foster parents in your neighborhood who may be interested. You are not alone. Use your family and friends regularly to catch your breath and when needed. Remember, it takes a village to raise a child.read more