Peter A. Kenny's
Adoption and Foster Care Law Blog
Here, I write about foster parenting and legal issues related to foster care and adoption.
New posts come twice a month.
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Ideas from an attorney and a psychologist on how to raise foster and adopted children
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My 18-year-old adopted son will be graduating from high school in the Spring. I want him to apply to college and receive an education. He wants to get a job. Help.
The fact that he is adopted should make no difference. You should respond the same way you would if he were your birth child. But before you do, here are a few things you might consider.
Prevention by reining in a teen’s time away from home late at night is a good parental strategy. It is important to know where your youngsters are, especially later at night. Especially for teens when the odds go up for car crashes, sex, and other life-changing events.
Attorney Peter Kenny announces the publication of his third book: Making a Difference: Foster Care and Adoption. His book contains over 70 single-page topics, all of which are of major interest to foster and adoptive parents. The book is inspiring, and practical, a quick and easy read.
By Mary Kenny
I am so unfulfilled I have a house a car a job a loving spouse But I have no child. I need a child- I need a child so I can grow- Maybe I should adopt. *** I am so blessed I have a home a car a job a loving spouse But I have no child. I have so much to share. I need to help a child- Help a child to grow- Maybe I should adopt.
Foster parents, like other people, learn best from experience. Which means that those new to fostering are at a disadvantage. Even if they have already raised children of their own, Foster parenting presents some unique challenges.
A friend of mine complained that his eleven- and thirteen-year-old foster sons frequently spiced their talk with crude sexual and violent words.
Your new foster child appears at your door, frequently with nothing more than bare essentials.
To raise consciousness about how a child feels at that moment, here is a memorable exercise that has been used during foster parent training. To begin, the leader asks you to write down on five separate slips of paper the five things you value most.
Five-year-olds and up are capable of learning and performing several household chores.
"We have had our five-year-old foster daughter for six months and are hoping to adopt her. She causes no trouble but is like a shy little mouse with few words and big eyes. How can we break through and communicate with her?"
Frequently at foster parent gatherings the organizers will trot out a young man or woman who grew up in foster care and is now educated and successful in a career as a teacher, writer, or in another productive field. This child would be a high achiever in any field, but remains unusual. Most adopted children, like all developing youngsters, are works in progress.
“We have had our foster child for almost two years and nothing seems to be happening. Mother makes a little progress and then relapses. How long will this go on? When does the state give up on reunification and look for another permanent home?”
“Constantly in motion. That’s our first-grader, Jonny. If I can get him to stop for a minute, he stays poised on the edge of his seat, ready to run off as soon as I say okay….His mind is just as undisciplined, jumping from one thought to another. Homework time is a nightmare. His doctor prescribed medication to calm him without much success. Any ideas?”
One simple and meaningful way to get to know your foster/adopted child is to help him or her collect their history in pictures and stories in their own homemade personal book. Whether you are able to adopt the child or not, a picture-story book will become a treasure for a child who lacks “possessions.”
The child fares better when foster parents and the birth parent can get along. Mutual distrust and hostility, often based on a lack of information, serve no one. You don’t have to agree with one another. But foster parents do need to withhold judgment. And show courtesy and respect for the person.
To paraphrase the former Peace Corps slogan, foster parenting is the toughest job you’ll ever love. You have chosen a difficult path. Instead of a big cheering section, you are likely to face problems, and even be blamed unfairly when things go wrong.
We were attending Grandparents’ Day at the elementary school of our youngest grandchildren. Several of the children were showing pictures of themselves as babies being held and admired by their grandparents. “I don’t have any baby pictures,” my young granddaughter said matter-of-factly. “I don’t know what I looked like when I was a baby.”
Why older foster children think teen adoption is a great idea:
“As a football coach, I always had to be ready to overcome unexpected challenges. With injuries, crowd noise, and especially weather, the game plan is always adjusting to adversity.”
My father, Dr. Jim Kenny, wrote the following article on how he felt about being the adoptive father of my brother and three sisters.
In my last blog entry, I asked you to imagine welcoming your new ten-year-old foster son. He certainly feels alone and scared and may express that by acting cocksure, or more likely quiet and reserved at first. From a psychologist who was also a foster parent, here are a few hints on how you might respond.
Imagine your new foster son has just come in the door. His name is Eric, he is ten years old, and is clutching a paper sack holding everything he owns. Not much. You greet him warmly and tell him he is welcome. But you don’t really know him. All you have to go by are your expectations. Here are a few thoughts you might consider.
Caseworkers and DCS conferences do not have the final word about removal, placement, and possible adoption of Indiana children in foster care. Courts are where these ultimate decisions are made. Foster parents have rights to be heard in court.
My father, Dr. Jim Kenny, with the help of an artist from Stone Belt in Indiana, recently wrote a children’s story about a little monkey who loses both parents and begins searching the jungle, looking for them. After many adventures, he discovers a family of chimpanzees who offer him a permanent home. Little Lost Monkey is a foster-to-adopt story.
Here is our definition which has been used to support adoption in many courts throughout the US: “Bonding is a significant reciprocal attachment which both parties want and expect to continue, and is interrupted at peril to the parties involved.” Interrupted bonding is strongly correlated with adult mental illness, crime, poverty, and homelessness. Bonding can be demonstrated by 24/7the amount of time spent together, by community support, and by statements from the parties involved.
A cooperative adoption allows for some continuing post-adoption contact. This usually involves a nominal offering of information about the child and/or the exchange of cards, letters and photos. Less frequently, personal visits may be permitted on special occasions. It may make sense when the birth parent fears giving up all future connection with her child.
A Middle School teacher began the following story and asked his students to make up an ending: One child’s story finished very differently.
“My pre-teen-age boys get into fights regularly,” complained one foster parent. “It’s hard to stop them. My caseworker warns me against punishment. Help!”
The strongest material you can have in advocating for your foster child is a well-documented daily journal. Keeping a daily journal assists you when reporting to the Child Welfare Department or advocating for your foster child at case conferences and at court hearings, especially adoption. When opinions are divided, your journal provides you with reasons and documentation for your views.
Whatever happened to the old adage: “Experience is the best teacher”? Most would agree that is true. So why the heavy reliance on agency-run workshops or classes for foster parent training? Parenting can be learned and improved in several ways.
For too many people, discipline is equated with punishment. This creates a special problem for foster children who have already suffered from abuse and neglect. In actual fact, punishment is a rather ineffective method for obtaining compliance. There are other methods that work better. Here are a few ideas.
Many different subsidies are available for Indiana foster parents who wish to adopt. They include continuing your monthly payments, providing health insurance, reimbursing you for some of your adoption expenses, a federal income tax credit, and help with college tuition. Your new child is entitled to all the financial support that is offered.
My mother’s wrote: “We raised twelve children, both ‘homemade’ and adopted. People often ask me how I did it. But then I met Ralph. Ralph is the one who makes me ask, ‘How do you do it?’”
I want to share Carol Lynn Pearson’s moving poem on adoption.
You may have been thinking about adoption. How does a family go about making that decision? Like marriage, adoption involves a lifetime commitment. Not a step to take lightly.
Here are a few thoughts about when and why foster parents might benefit from legal help.
My admiration for what foster and adoptive parents do is boundless. I am honored to be their attorney. They have tackled the toughest job I can imagine, offering their home to already damaged youngsters who may well take out their misdirected anger on the “new” parents.
The Kenny Law Blog will offer a brief twice-monthly comment on issues of interest to foster parents, especially those who are considering adoption.
Negotiating for Adoption Subsidies
March 10, 2020All post-adoption subsidies in Indiana are referred for negotiation. In Marion County, your case will be assigned to one of four attorneys who will probably begin by offering a minimal amount of support or nothing. How much you eventually are awarded will depend on the knowledge and skill of your personal adoption attorney. Details of the negotiating process are contained within Chapter Ten of the DCS Manual.
Before you begin negotiating, document in writing your family income, living expenses, indebtedness, and anything else you anticipate spending. Your monthly payment will be based upon financial need. So be prepared. You must show the DCS written proof that you need continuing support until your child reaches age 18.
The agreement reached will be final, with no opportunity for revisiting. That is why it is so important to do your research ahead of time. Be sure to sign the agreement, even if your award is zero. A signed agreement is important for continuing health care, attorney fees, and other related expenses
Your final monthly award may range all the way from zero to a high at the full amount of your most recent monthly per diem. In certain cases where you have adopted a child with special needs, you can have the adoption subsidy extended until age 21. Again you must document your need as your award will continue to be based upon financial need.
One final bit of advice. The monthly payments you will receive for your adopted child will be established in the negotiating process. Your new child deserves whatever additional support you can obtain. With your attorney, work for the best.
read morePreparing for Adoption Court
February 25, 2020Know your judge. Adoption court hearings differ widely. Most are uncontested and informal. In those cases, you can anticipate a positive experience, brief and happy for you and your new child.
If, however, the adoption is contested, you must be prepared to argue your desire. Select your attorney with care. Use the wise counsel of other adoptive parents who have been pleased with their legal representation. Your attorney will be important, not only in court, but in negotiating the best adoption subsidy possible with the DCS.
Know the law. You and your attorney should have copies of any relevant DCS policies and laws relevant to your arguments to quote and show the judge.
Speak up in court. Be brief but don’t be shy. And stay positive. State clearly why you believe that the child will prosper in your home. Avoid complaining or badmouthing the opposing party.
What you have to say and how you present your family to the judge will be very important. Write your remarks out in advance. Practice giving your arguments with a friend before appearing in court.
In a disputed adoption, it may be wise to bring friends and neighbors with you as witnesses who can attests to your good parenting. If you have had the child in your care for six months or more, a Bonding Evaluation can be quite helpful.
“Bonding is a significant reciprocal attachment which both parties want and expect to continue and which is interrupted or terminated at peril to the parties involved.” Humans bond by sharing important life events such as eating, sleeping, and playing together over time. Research provides four objective and strong criteria that are all reflected in federal law and Indiana DCS policies. They are: Time spent together; the Behavior of the Child; Reciprocal Attachment; and Family Identification. They can all be documented in a thorough Bonding Evaluation.
Good luck in court!
read moreGetting Through to Your Child
February 11, 2020The biggest mistake we make in our effort to control the behavior of our children is our tendency to blame them. We wrap our verbal discipline inside a message that sounds like good parenting. It may sound good to us but it often fails because our child responds by shutting us out or automatically defending himself or herself.
“Do your homework!” “Don’t talk back to me like that.” “You’re late again” These three attempts to communicate and control all have the same basic problem. They fly in the fact of our child’s basic instinct to defend himself or herself. We may be correct logically but our child perceives our statement as an attack. That may invite a spoken or quiet negative response in return.
What we say and what our child hears are often different messages. To communicate and get a better response, we need to understand the mind of our child. No matter how good our parental direction may sound to us, we fail if the message does not get through. Perception is our child’s reality.
We fail primarily because the above messages begin with the second person pronoun. They start with an implied “You.” That causes our child’s self-protective wall to go up. Beginning a verbal attempt to correct our child with “you” is always judgmental. The message is about what is wrong with your child. So we shouldn't be surprised when our child ignores us, tries to defend himself, or even attacks back. After all, he knows better than we do what is going on in his life, how he feels, and why he does what he does.
To be more effective, try using “I” messages. Send the same basic direction but from your own point of concern. Tell the child your own thoughts or feelings. For example, you might say “I need your homework done now.” Or “I feel angry when you talk to me like that.” “I worry when you are not home by nine.” This may take some courage as the “I” message leaves you wide open to a personal smart-aleck response telling you to quit worrying. Don’t take the bait. Instead, respond with a smile and tell them: “I’m your dad (or mom). It’s my house and I get to set the rules.”
Obviously, good discipline involves more than I-messaging. For example, parents need to set a time for homework, have rules for appropriate speech, and set curfews ahead of time. And there need to be simple non-punitive consequences for failure to comply. However, “I” messages offer a better chance at success, because they offer personal information about the sender rather than blaming the receiver.
read moreImportant People Who Can Help
January 28, 2020Foster parents, especially those who hope or plan to adopt, need to know and cultivate the major players. Rather than waiting around for their wishes to come true, they can quietly do a lot to enhance their chances. Here are some important contacts.
Indiana Foster and Adoptive Parents is an invaluable interactive Facebook group with over 9000 members. A great place to share your concerns with the true experts, other Indiana foster and adoptive parents who have faced and dealt with similar problems. If you are already a member, simply post your problem and/or your success, and wait for others to respond.
Not yet a member and would like to be? It’s easy. All you need to do to apply is to provide your name, be recommended by a current member, and be on Facebook.
There are three, possibly four people who will have a role in making decisions important to your foster child and to you. Most important is the Judge. He or she has the last word about what happens. Indiana courts have different styles of formality but most judges are willing to hear what you have to say.
When you go to court, be prepared. Bring a copy with you of the Indiana statute that gives you the right to be heard. Then realize that your time may be short. Don’t whine. Be brief and specific about what you want and why. You might write it out ahead of time and practice your statement in front of a friend.
The next important player is your child’s Caseworker. Try to stay in contact. Emailing is better than phoning. Be courteous, be focused about what you want and need, and be brief. Don’t be a complainer. When she or he comes to visit your child, treat your caseworker as a guest and a friend.
Next in importance is your CASA, the Court-Appointed Special Advocate As soon as you know what you want, invite your CASA for a home visit. Treat her as you would a friend, sharing your love for your foster child and your wishes. Again, you must be courteous. Stay positive and don’t complain about the birth parent or your caseworker. If there is disagreement, you want the CASA to be supportive of your position.
Finally, there will be a GAL, your child’s Guardian-ad-Litem, usually an attorney. You are unlikely to see this person but the judge will probably ask for the GAL’s concurrence. If you do happen to meet your child’s GAL ahead of time, don’t criticize the birth parents or the caseworker. Instead, stay positive, and be specific about what you believe is best and give reasons for your position.
read more