Peter A. Kenny's
Adoption and Foster Care Law Blog
Here, I write about foster parenting and legal issues related to foster care and adoption.
New posts come twice a month.
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Ideas from an attorney and a psychologist on how to raise foster and adopted children
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Complete List of Articles
My 18-year-old adopted son will be graduating from high school in the Spring. I want him to apply to college and receive an education. He wants to get a job. Help.
The fact that he is adopted should make no difference. You should respond the same way you would if he were your birth child. But before you do, here are a few things you might consider.
Prevention by reining in a teen’s time away from home late at night is a good parental strategy. It is important to know where your youngsters are, especially later at night. Especially for teens when the odds go up for car crashes, sex, and other life-changing events.
Attorney Peter Kenny announces the publication of his third book: Making a Difference: Foster Care and Adoption. His book contains over 70 single-page topics, all of which are of major interest to foster and adoptive parents. The book is inspiring, and practical, a quick and easy read.
By Mary Kenny
I am so unfulfilled I have a house a car a job a loving spouse But I have no child. I need a child- I need a child so I can grow- Maybe I should adopt. *** I am so blessed I have a home a car a job a loving spouse But I have no child. I have so much to share. I need to help a child- Help a child to grow- Maybe I should adopt.
Foster parents, like other people, learn best from experience. Which means that those new to fostering are at a disadvantage. Even if they have already raised children of their own, Foster parenting presents some unique challenges.
A friend of mine complained that his eleven- and thirteen-year-old foster sons frequently spiced their talk with crude sexual and violent words.
Your new foster child appears at your door, frequently with nothing more than bare essentials.
To raise consciousness about how a child feels at that moment, here is a memorable exercise that has been used during foster parent training. To begin, the leader asks you to write down on five separate slips of paper the five things you value most.
Five-year-olds and up are capable of learning and performing several household chores.
"We have had our five-year-old foster daughter for six months and are hoping to adopt her. She causes no trouble but is like a shy little mouse with few words and big eyes. How can we break through and communicate with her?"
Frequently at foster parent gatherings the organizers will trot out a young man or woman who grew up in foster care and is now educated and successful in a career as a teacher, writer, or in another productive field. This child would be a high achiever in any field, but remains unusual. Most adopted children, like all developing youngsters, are works in progress.
“We have had our foster child for almost two years and nothing seems to be happening. Mother makes a little progress and then relapses. How long will this go on? When does the state give up on reunification and look for another permanent home?”
“Constantly in motion. That’s our first-grader, Jonny. If I can get him to stop for a minute, he stays poised on the edge of his seat, ready to run off as soon as I say okay….His mind is just as undisciplined, jumping from one thought to another. Homework time is a nightmare. His doctor prescribed medication to calm him without much success. Any ideas?”
One simple and meaningful way to get to know your foster/adopted child is to help him or her collect their history in pictures and stories in their own homemade personal book. Whether you are able to adopt the child or not, a picture-story book will become a treasure for a child who lacks “possessions.”
The child fares better when foster parents and the birth parent can get along. Mutual distrust and hostility, often based on a lack of information, serve no one. You don’t have to agree with one another. But foster parents do need to withhold judgment. And show courtesy and respect for the person.
To paraphrase the former Peace Corps slogan, foster parenting is the toughest job you’ll ever love. You have chosen a difficult path. Instead of a big cheering section, you are likely to face problems, and even be blamed unfairly when things go wrong.
We were attending Grandparents’ Day at the elementary school of our youngest grandchildren. Several of the children were showing pictures of themselves as babies being held and admired by their grandparents. “I don’t have any baby pictures,” my young granddaughter said matter-of-factly. “I don’t know what I looked like when I was a baby.”
Why older foster children think teen adoption is a great idea:
“As a football coach, I always had to be ready to overcome unexpected challenges. With injuries, crowd noise, and especially weather, the game plan is always adjusting to adversity.”
My father, Dr. Jim Kenny, wrote the following article on how he felt about being the adoptive father of my brother and three sisters.
In my last blog entry, I asked you to imagine welcoming your new ten-year-old foster son. He certainly feels alone and scared and may express that by acting cocksure, or more likely quiet and reserved at first. From a psychologist who was also a foster parent, here are a few hints on how you might respond.
Imagine your new foster son has just come in the door. His name is Eric, he is ten years old, and is clutching a paper sack holding everything he owns. Not much. You greet him warmly and tell him he is welcome. But you don’t really know him. All you have to go by are your expectations. Here are a few thoughts you might consider.
Caseworkers and DCS conferences do not have the final word about removal, placement, and possible adoption of Indiana children in foster care. Courts are where these ultimate decisions are made. Foster parents have rights to be heard in court.
My father, Dr. Jim Kenny, with the help of an artist from Stone Belt in Indiana, recently wrote a children’s story about a little monkey who loses both parents and begins searching the jungle, looking for them. After many adventures, he discovers a family of chimpanzees who offer him a permanent home. Little Lost Monkey is a foster-to-adopt story.
Here is our definition which has been used to support adoption in many courts throughout the US: “Bonding is a significant reciprocal attachment which both parties want and expect to continue, and is interrupted at peril to the parties involved.” Interrupted bonding is strongly correlated with adult mental illness, crime, poverty, and homelessness. Bonding can be demonstrated by 24/7the amount of time spent together, by community support, and by statements from the parties involved.
A cooperative adoption allows for some continuing post-adoption contact. This usually involves a nominal offering of information about the child and/or the exchange of cards, letters and photos. Less frequently, personal visits may be permitted on special occasions. It may make sense when the birth parent fears giving up all future connection with her child.
A Middle School teacher began the following story and asked his students to make up an ending: One child’s story finished very differently.
“My pre-teen-age boys get into fights regularly,” complained one foster parent. “It’s hard to stop them. My caseworker warns me against punishment. Help!”
The strongest material you can have in advocating for your foster child is a well-documented daily journal. Keeping a daily journal assists you when reporting to the Child Welfare Department or advocating for your foster child at case conferences and at court hearings, especially adoption. When opinions are divided, your journal provides you with reasons and documentation for your views.
Whatever happened to the old adage: “Experience is the best teacher”? Most would agree that is true. So why the heavy reliance on agency-run workshops or classes for foster parent training? Parenting can be learned and improved in several ways.
For too many people, discipline is equated with punishment. This creates a special problem for foster children who have already suffered from abuse and neglect. In actual fact, punishment is a rather ineffective method for obtaining compliance. There are other methods that work better. Here are a few ideas.
Many different subsidies are available for Indiana foster parents who wish to adopt. They include continuing your monthly payments, providing health insurance, reimbursing you for some of your adoption expenses, a federal income tax credit, and help with college tuition. Your new child is entitled to all the financial support that is offered.
My mother’s wrote: “We raised twelve children, both ‘homemade’ and adopted. People often ask me how I did it. But then I met Ralph. Ralph is the one who makes me ask, ‘How do you do it?’”
I want to share Carol Lynn Pearson’s moving poem on adoption.
You may have been thinking about adoption. How does a family go about making that decision? Like marriage, adoption involves a lifetime commitment. Not a step to take lightly.
Here are a few thoughts about when and why foster parents might benefit from legal help.
My admiration for what foster and adoptive parents do is boundless. I am honored to be their attorney. They have tackled the toughest job I can imagine, offering their home to already damaged youngsters who may well take out their misdirected anger on the “new” parents.
The Kenny Law Blog will offer a brief twice-monthly comment on issues of interest to foster parents, especially those who are considering adoption.
Helping New Foster Parents
October 9, 2018Foster parents, like other people, learn best from experience. Which means that those new to fostering are at a disadvantage. Even if they have already raised children of their own, Foster parenting presents some unique challenges.
The children come with a troubled and troubling history. They begin as “temporary,” possibly in transit. You and they may both need to feel each other out, as if you are on probation. Meanwhile, they are wards of the DCS. The Department of Child Services maintains control and you are subject to their policies: Physical punishment is not allowed. You may only leave them with other licensed foster parents. And more rules.
As experienced foster parents, you can be an asset to the newcomers. What better way to continue and expand your own continuing commitment and love for children without a permanent home!
Perhaps you already know of someone. If not, ask the case manager or find out names of the beginners at your next foster parent training. Don’t wait to be assigned. Approach a first-timer and offer your support. Many possibilities exist.
Mentoring. They may call and ask how to handle certain unique behavioral problems. Or what to do when a child they have come to love is about to be transferred. How to relate to their DCS worker. What to do about false allegations.
They may have questions about the possibility of adoption. What all is involved? And more importantly, how to think the matter though. Adoption is a lifetime commitment. You may have already done that and can share your own experience. They may ask your advice on how to find a good attorney, one who is knowledgeable about adoptions from foster care and is effective.
They may need moral support when they get discouraged. Someone with whom to share difficult moments. To be reminded of why they became a foster parent in the first place.
Sometimes, you can help with practical logistics. Babysitting can provide a break. If you are still foster parents yourselves, you can fill in for one another. Both of you will gain from the backup. If you have already “retired,” this might be a good reason to maintain your license. You can become a “foster grandparent.”
Each foster child is a unique challenge. Each child needs a special type of reassurance. That is true of foster parents too. It’s a tough but rewarding job. And foster-to-adopt parents can enlarge their experiences by sharing it with others. All of those involved benefit.
read moreDealing with Bad Language
September 25, 2018A friend of mine complained that his eleven- and thirteen-year-old foster sons frequently spiced their talk with crude sexual and violent words. “They use the f-word and speak about killing some “dickhead.” Usually it’s coupled with a mean putdown. I think they’re mainly doing it to shock my wife and me.”
Of course they are trying to shock you. Perhaps to show with their language you how tough and independent they are. So try not to overreact. Words themselves aren’t bad. Actions can be.
I think the biggest mistake you can make is to respond with a long lecture, explaining why those words are inappropriate and wrong. And likely to get them in trouble. The main problem with lectures is that they take too long. By giving attention to the very behavior you wish to discourage, your reaction provides the reaction they were seeking in the first place - attention.
Threats and punishment are also unlikely to be effective. They are more likely to involve you and your foster sons in an ongoing battle about how to irritate each other. With teenage boys, you likely have bigger issues than bad words that require correction.
If you can, ignore the words. Ignoring is not doing nothing. It may take a bit of time, but your failure to react or become upset is a good way to get rid of the undesirable expressions. If you ignore something, it is likely to go away.
You might try humor. Together, invent some nonsense words that might be used to replace the crude ones and still express the strong feelings. Or hold your nose and look sour. I had another friend who began to laugh, telling his foster son: “You just set a new family record, using the f- word eight times in one sentence. Congratulations. I thought that was impossible.” The young man was not expecting his crudity to be treated as a joke. He never used the word again.
Finally, set a good example. Don’t salt your own speech with language or putdowns that you don’t expect to hear from your foster sons.
Good luck!
read moreLeaving Home with Empty Hands
September 11, 2018Your new foster child appears at your door, frequently with nothing more than bare essentials.
To raise consciousness about how a child feels at that moment, here is a memorable exercise that has been used during foster parent training. To begin, the leader asks you to write down on five separate slips of paper the five things you value most.
Now, starting with number five, you are told to throw one in the waste basket. Give it up. For one woman, that was her heirloom dining room table. Then she was asked to reflect on her feelings. She said she felt a strong sense of loss. That table had belonged to her grandmother.
Then, one by one, she was told to get rid of her next most treasured possessions. With increasing hesitation, she placed slip after slip into the trash. Strong feelings mounted as she had to let go of her car, her computer, and her house. It became more difficult to share her feelings with the group.
Finally came the possession that she valued the most. It was her wedding ring. She looked at her husband and started to cry. After a few moments, the leader said: “Now you know how a foster child feels upon first coming to your home.”
The same exercise might be tried with people. Imagine a child having to give up each member of his family. His mother. Father. Brother. Sister. His teacher. His best friends. His familiar neighborhood and school.
Here he is, knowing no one. Nothing to hold onto. Scared. How should you respond? Try putting yourself in his or her place. Imagine you have lost everything familiar and important. How would you want to be welcomed and treated?
Family Helpers
August 28, 2018Five-year-olds and up are capable of learning and performing several household chores.
Enlisting your foster or newly-adopted child as a family helper has two significant advantages. First, their self-image may be improved by being encouraged to contribute a simple but important effort. And second, chores are a good way to integrate him or her into the everyday life of your family. The clear but quiet message: You are truly one of us. You belong.
What tasks may be assigned depend upon the needs of the family and the age of the child. The overall principle is to keep the tasks simple and short. At the same time, chores need not be mere busy work. Use them to teach basic abilities. Learning to organize and clean and prepare for meals and cook can provide lifetime skills.
You might ask your child to clean up his or her room once or twice a week. Set a specific day and time with a deadline. Make a brief performance chart with three or four sub-tasks. For example; 1. Make bed. 2. Pick up floor. 3. Dirty clothes in basket. 4. Clean clothes put away.
Take time to monitor and set a deadline. Try not to nag. Provide a token reward if the room is cleaned on time. If not, clean the room together with your child but without a reward. Rewards should be real, immediate, and appreciated. They might include a sweet or food treat or a small but special privilege.
Helping out at suppertime provides another good opportunity. Setting the table with plates and silverware nightly or on certain nights is an easy but important job. Again, don’t keep reminding your child. Tell him or her once or twice. Then do it yourself without comment, but also without any small reward.
Another suppertime task might be to work together as you and your child prepare one food item. Dessert is a popular place to start. If your child is enthusiastic, this might lead to teaching him or her other cooking skills. It can be a good feeling to help prepare meals for one’s new family.
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