Peter A. Kenny's
Adoption and Foster Care Law Blog
Here, I write about foster parenting and legal issues related to foster care and adoption.
New posts come twice a month.
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Ideas from an attorney and a psychologist on how to raise foster and adopted children
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My 18-year-old adopted son will be graduating from high school in the Spring. I want him to apply to college and receive an education. He wants to get a job. Help.
The fact that he is adopted should make no difference. You should respond the same way you would if he were your birth child. But before you do, here are a few things you might consider.
Prevention by reining in a teen’s time away from home late at night is a good parental strategy. It is important to know where your youngsters are, especially later at night. Especially for teens when the odds go up for car crashes, sex, and other life-changing events.
Attorney Peter Kenny announces the publication of his third book: Making a Difference: Foster Care and Adoption. His book contains over 70 single-page topics, all of which are of major interest to foster and adoptive parents. The book is inspiring, and practical, a quick and easy read.
By Mary Kenny
I am so unfulfilled I have a house a car a job a loving spouse But I have no child. I need a child- I need a child so I can grow- Maybe I should adopt. *** I am so blessed I have a home a car a job a loving spouse But I have no child. I have so much to share. I need to help a child- Help a child to grow- Maybe I should adopt.
Foster parents, like other people, learn best from experience. Which means that those new to fostering are at a disadvantage. Even if they have already raised children of their own, Foster parenting presents some unique challenges.
A friend of mine complained that his eleven- and thirteen-year-old foster sons frequently spiced their talk with crude sexual and violent words.
Your new foster child appears at your door, frequently with nothing more than bare essentials.
To raise consciousness about how a child feels at that moment, here is a memorable exercise that has been used during foster parent training. To begin, the leader asks you to write down on five separate slips of paper the five things you value most.
Five-year-olds and up are capable of learning and performing several household chores.
"We have had our five-year-old foster daughter for six months and are hoping to adopt her. She causes no trouble but is like a shy little mouse with few words and big eyes. How can we break through and communicate with her?"
Frequently at foster parent gatherings the organizers will trot out a young man or woman who grew up in foster care and is now educated and successful in a career as a teacher, writer, or in another productive field. This child would be a high achiever in any field, but remains unusual. Most adopted children, like all developing youngsters, are works in progress.
“We have had our foster child for almost two years and nothing seems to be happening. Mother makes a little progress and then relapses. How long will this go on? When does the state give up on reunification and look for another permanent home?”
“Constantly in motion. That’s our first-grader, Jonny. If I can get him to stop for a minute, he stays poised on the edge of his seat, ready to run off as soon as I say okay….His mind is just as undisciplined, jumping from one thought to another. Homework time is a nightmare. His doctor prescribed medication to calm him without much success. Any ideas?”
One simple and meaningful way to get to know your foster/adopted child is to help him or her collect their history in pictures and stories in their own homemade personal book. Whether you are able to adopt the child or not, a picture-story book will become a treasure for a child who lacks “possessions.”
The child fares better when foster parents and the birth parent can get along. Mutual distrust and hostility, often based on a lack of information, serve no one. You don’t have to agree with one another. But foster parents do need to withhold judgment. And show courtesy and respect for the person.
To paraphrase the former Peace Corps slogan, foster parenting is the toughest job you’ll ever love. You have chosen a difficult path. Instead of a big cheering section, you are likely to face problems, and even be blamed unfairly when things go wrong.
We were attending Grandparents’ Day at the elementary school of our youngest grandchildren. Several of the children were showing pictures of themselves as babies being held and admired by their grandparents. “I don’t have any baby pictures,” my young granddaughter said matter-of-factly. “I don’t know what I looked like when I was a baby.”
Why older foster children think teen adoption is a great idea:
“As a football coach, I always had to be ready to overcome unexpected challenges. With injuries, crowd noise, and especially weather, the game plan is always adjusting to adversity.”
My father, Dr. Jim Kenny, wrote the following article on how he felt about being the adoptive father of my brother and three sisters.
In my last blog entry, I asked you to imagine welcoming your new ten-year-old foster son. He certainly feels alone and scared and may express that by acting cocksure, or more likely quiet and reserved at first. From a psychologist who was also a foster parent, here are a few hints on how you might respond.
Imagine your new foster son has just come in the door. His name is Eric, he is ten years old, and is clutching a paper sack holding everything he owns. Not much. You greet him warmly and tell him he is welcome. But you don’t really know him. All you have to go by are your expectations. Here are a few thoughts you might consider.
Caseworkers and DCS conferences do not have the final word about removal, placement, and possible adoption of Indiana children in foster care. Courts are where these ultimate decisions are made. Foster parents have rights to be heard in court.
My father, Dr. Jim Kenny, with the help of an artist from Stone Belt in Indiana, recently wrote a children’s story about a little monkey who loses both parents and begins searching the jungle, looking for them. After many adventures, he discovers a family of chimpanzees who offer him a permanent home. Little Lost Monkey is a foster-to-adopt story.
Here is our definition which has been used to support adoption in many courts throughout the US: “Bonding is a significant reciprocal attachment which both parties want and expect to continue, and is interrupted at peril to the parties involved.” Interrupted bonding is strongly correlated with adult mental illness, crime, poverty, and homelessness. Bonding can be demonstrated by 24/7the amount of time spent together, by community support, and by statements from the parties involved.
A cooperative adoption allows for some continuing post-adoption contact. This usually involves a nominal offering of information about the child and/or the exchange of cards, letters and photos. Less frequently, personal visits may be permitted on special occasions. It may make sense when the birth parent fears giving up all future connection with her child.
A Middle School teacher began the following story and asked his students to make up an ending: One child’s story finished very differently.
“My pre-teen-age boys get into fights regularly,” complained one foster parent. “It’s hard to stop them. My caseworker warns me against punishment. Help!”
The strongest material you can have in advocating for your foster child is a well-documented daily journal. Keeping a daily journal assists you when reporting to the Child Welfare Department or advocating for your foster child at case conferences and at court hearings, especially adoption. When opinions are divided, your journal provides you with reasons and documentation for your views.
Whatever happened to the old adage: “Experience is the best teacher”? Most would agree that is true. So why the heavy reliance on agency-run workshops or classes for foster parent training? Parenting can be learned and improved in several ways.
For too many people, discipline is equated with punishment. This creates a special problem for foster children who have already suffered from abuse and neglect. In actual fact, punishment is a rather ineffective method for obtaining compliance. There are other methods that work better. Here are a few ideas.
Many different subsidies are available for Indiana foster parents who wish to adopt. They include continuing your monthly payments, providing health insurance, reimbursing you for some of your adoption expenses, a federal income tax credit, and help with college tuition. Your new child is entitled to all the financial support that is offered.
My mother’s wrote: “We raised twelve children, both ‘homemade’ and adopted. People often ask me how I did it. But then I met Ralph. Ralph is the one who makes me ask, ‘How do you do it?’”
I want to share Carol Lynn Pearson’s moving poem on adoption.
You may have been thinking about adoption. How does a family go about making that decision? Like marriage, adoption involves a lifetime commitment. Not a step to take lightly.
Here are a few thoughts about when and why foster parents might benefit from legal help.
My admiration for what foster and adoptive parents do is boundless. I am honored to be their attorney. They have tackled the toughest job I can imagine, offering their home to already damaged youngsters who may well take out their misdirected anger on the “new” parents.
The Kenny Law Blog will offer a brief twice-monthly comment on issues of interest to foster parents, especially those who are considering adoption.
Dealing with Children's Cellphone Use
December 18, 2018Trying to control our child’s use of modern technology presents a relatively new parenting task. The internet is both a gold mine and a jungle. Separating the blessings from the problems can be very hard to do. Taking away their cellphones and forbidding access is not usually a wise strategy. In addition to preventing contact with their peers and searching for useful information, it may foster resentment and encourage sneakiness. Here are four approaches which may help you monitor cellphones and computer use without appearing to take over. First and most important, understand what your children are doing on the internet, not what you think they are doing. Get with them. Show an interest in how they actually use their phone. Inquire about their favorite sites. Let them tell you why they like certain games. How to text. What do the different emojis mean? Ask for their help in unscrambling problems with your own device. Second, focus on the positives. Encourage Google searches to find information and answers to questions that arise, even trivial ones. Explore creative games, like Minecraft and so many others. Find sites that pose riddles and tell jokes. Check out and share favorite music on YouTube. Third, take advantage of "phone-free" time zones. Some parents feel their children spend "all the time" on their cellphones. In that case, avoid lecturing and forbidding. Instead, set aside a time for cellphone and computer use and simply shut down the computer or collect the phones during the “zone.” Several parents I know take their child’s phone away at bedtime. And at mealtime. Fourth, plan other activities. Too much cellphone use often is accompanied by physical passivity and couch potato-ism. To combat this tendency, take a pro-active role in out-of-home cooperative play. Get them enrolled in team sports and attend their games. Take hikes and exercise together. Encourage dance or music or swim lessons, wherever they might show an interest. And support them with your presence. To sum up, see cellphones and the internet as a gift with some problems. Focus on the positives and counteract cellphone abuse with attractive alternatives.read moreHow to Become a Foster Parent in Indiana
December 11, 2018While Indiana foster parents must be licensed by the Department of Child Services (DCS), the requirements match those of the average law-abiding citizen. The process sounds more complicated than it actually is. First of all, let’s clear up some possible misconceptions. Foster parents in Indiana do not need to be married. They may be single. Or they may be living with a partner. A live-in relationship with a significant other or same-sex partner should be established for at least one year to demonstrate stability. The first step is to contact your local county DCS office and indicate your interest. If you don’t know the number, check the state website at IN.gov or call their hotline at 888-631-9510. After some initial paperwork, the county DCS will begin a home study. Applicants must be at least 21 years of age, and pass a criminal history check that shows them to be free of felonies that involve violence and children. The background check includes a fingerprint-based national history search. They must demonstrate financial stability. Verifying a bank balance and/or regular rent or payment of utilities should be sufficient. They must provide a safe home and be able to offer reliable transportation. This means owning or renting a home or apartment that meets physical safety standards and has adequate bedroom space. All family members must be in reasonably good health and free of disabling addictions. A statement from a physician for all household members is usually sufficient. Some pre-service training sessions are required. This may include successful completion of First Aid, CPR, and Universal Precautions training. At least three personal references are usually required. These may be in writing. A Regional Licensing Specialist will make one or more home visits. Then try it out. For those interested in making a more permanent commitment, foster care can be a first step toward adoption.read moreFoster Care Payments Are Not Taxable Income
November 27, 2018On December 15, 2017, the Indiana Department of Child Services (DCS) described an adjustment to payments for foster parents. They sent them the following brief message: “We are writing to inform you of the foster care per diem rates for this upcoming year. There is a slight adjustment based upon the increase in the consumer price index. The new rates are as follows: Age 0-4$20.53 Age 5-13$22.29 Age 14-18$25.72 The letter noted an additional daily increase of about $8.00 per day for “care with services,” and more substantial increases for those foster parents who have been approved for "therapeutic care." Foster care payments are reimbursement for the daily costs of raising a child, and are not considered taxable income by the IRS. The payments need not be included on the foster parents’ tax return if the care was provided to a qualified foster child and the money was paid by a state or qualified agency. Having a foster child in the home does not change the family’s status for receiving food stamps. The foster child cannot receive benefits as a separate SNAP household. However, any other income received for the child, such as child support, still does not count as income to the foster family household. (Obviously, these payments are for foster care. For payments after the adoption of a foster child, please refer to my blog post on subsidies.)read moreAdoption: Two Views
October 23, 2018By Mary Kenny
I am so unfulfilled I have a house a car a job a loving spouse But I have no child. I need a child- I need a child so I can grow- Maybe I should adopt. *** I am so blessed I have a home a car a job a loving spouse But I have no child. I have so much to share. I need to help a child- Help a child to grow- Maybe I should adopt.read more