Peter A. Kenny's
Adoption and Foster Care Law Blog

Here, I write about foster parenting and legal issues related to foster care and adoption.

New posts come twice a month.

Articles by Category

I have dozens of articles, so please select the category you find most interesting.

Adoption

How to successfully navigate the complicated adoption process


Foster Children

What you can do to best help your foster child


Parenting Tips and Advice

Ideas from an attorney and a psychologist on how to raise foster and adopted children


Inspiration

The joys and the challenges of adoption and foster care in story and poetry


Legal Matters

What a lawyer can do to for you, how to prepare for court, and other legal issues



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Complete List of Articles

White Parents / Black Child September 22, 2020

“We are white parents planning to adopt our four-year-old foster son of color. Any suggestions on how to handle the race questions ahead?”


College or a Job for a High School Graduate? September 8, 2020

My 18-year-old adopted son will be graduating from high school in the Spring. I want him to apply to college and receive an education.  He wants to get a job.  Help.

The fact that he is adopted should make no difference.  You should respond the same way you would if he were your birth child.  But before you do, here are a few things you might consider.


About Tantrums August 25, 2020 Once a tantrum has started, stopping it is difficult. Rock-em sock-em tantrums are unlikely to be corrected by rational pleas or explanations. Foster parents need a three-step approach. First, do what you can to prevent a tantrum. Second, stop the out-of-control behavior. Third, re-engage the energy in another activity.
Your Quiet Foster Child August 11, 2020 You have had a new second-grade foster son or daughter for a month.  He is compliant but smiles rarely.  Very passive and says little.  All your overtures seem to have elicited short and unhelpful responses.  How can you connect?
Fix the Problem, Not the Blame July 28, 2020 “The more I get after him, the worse he gets.  He’s just doing it to get attention,” complained one foster mom.  Mother has stated the major objection to the Lecture/Yell/Punish (LYP) method of discipline. It’s not that effective.
About Time Outs July 14, 2020 What does the coach do when his basketball team loses control of the game?  A good coach calls a time out.  Not so much to give his team new instructions but to “stop the bleeding.”  Give them some time to regroup.
The Scary Stuff June 30, 2020 “My adopted son and daughter are almost legal adults. I know I need to give them more freedom to grow up,” one dad told me. “And yet the stakes are so much higher. No more little problems. Now my kids are facing mistakes that could change or destroy their lives. I know I need to let them go and yet I am frightened at what can happen. I want to protect them.”
Curfews for Teens June 16, 2020

Prevention by reining in a teen’s time away from home late at night is a good parental strategy. It is important to know where your youngsters are, especially later at night.  Especially for teens when the odds go up for car crashes, sex, and other life-changing events.


A Foster Child's Self-image June 15, 2020

What can a foster parent do?


Choice of Friends June 2, 2020 Peers are important, especially for teens.  As Judith Harris in The Nurture Assumption makes clear, peers have a strong influence in socializing one another. And teens are fascinated by the novelty of someone different. Perhaps they are attracted by the apparent self-confidence of a braggart or a bully, or the delinquent behavior of an agemate who flaunts the law. Probation departments have rules that forbid delinquents from associating with other probationers. Worrying about your child’s companions is legitimate. Children copy the behavior of their friends.
Vacations with Foster Kids May 19, 2020 Everyone needs to get away from difficult or boring routines. As foster parents, struggling with damaged children and with little money to waste, you need a break more than most.  A getaway also provides you with the opportunity to bond with your child through new adventuring.  Here are a few ideas on where you might go in Indiana and what to do. (To leave the state, you need permission from your caseworker and the judge.)
About Procrastination May 15, 2020 Get ready for school. Pick up your toys. Do your homework. Come to dinner. Foot-dragging can provoke long drawn-out attempts to get results by endless nagging. Parents become frustrated. Reminding and arguing and threatening are usually ineffective. Even worse, the attention that nagging provides can reinforce the very behavior that is driving the parent mad. The best discipline for slowpokes is for the parent to set deadlines. And then to enforce them, not with a lecture or punishment, but with practical consequences.
Thoughts on Defiance April 21, 2020

“I don’t have to,” asserts six-year-old Dion when he is told to pick up his toys. Some moms might automatically react negatively to the verbal defiance. “Don’t you dare talk to me like that,” she may reply. Mom may even be successful at obtaining compliance. But the price may be that Dion learns simply to suppress his oppositional feelings. A wiser mom might respond that she understands and accepts Dion’s resistance. “I know you’re mad but we still have to get these toys picked up.” Mom is showing respect for Dion’s feelings while still insisting on obedience.


Two New Special Families April 12, 2020

Good news at a bad time. As the Coronavirus kept most of us isolated at home, I drove from Indianapolis to Gary to meet two Indiana families.


Selecting the Right Attorney April 7, 2020 I am a foster parent. I need an attorney. How do I go about finding the best one?
Adoption Is Forever March 24, 2020 The courtroom was crowded. More than thirty people were present. The new dad and mom, of course. Grandparents. Older brothers and sisters. Friends and neighbors. They were there to witness the formalization of a lifelong commitment. The crowd had come to celebrate the adoption of Jana, a five-year-old. She had been their foster daughter for more than a year.
Negotiating for Adoption Subsidies March 10, 2020 All post-adoption subsidies in Indiana are referred for negotiation. In Marion County, your case will be assigned to one of four attorneys who will probably begin by offering a minimal amount of support or nothing. How much you eventually are awarded will depend on the knowledge and skill of your personal adoption attorney. Details of the negotiating process are contained within Chapter Ten of the DCS Manual.
Preparing for Adoption Court February 25, 2020 Know your judge. Adoption court hearings differ widely. Most are uncontested and informal. In those cases, you can anticipate a positive experience, brief and happy for you and your new child.
Getting Through to Your Child February 11, 2020 The biggest mistake we make in our effort to control the behavior of our children is our tendency to blame them. We wrap our verbal discipline inside a message that sounds like good parenting. It may sound good to us but it often fails because our child responds by shutting us out or automatically defending himself or herself.
Important People Who Can Help January 28, 2020 Foster parents, especially those who hope or plan to adopt, need to know and cultivate the major players. Rather than waiting around for their wishes to come true, they can quietly do a lot to enhance their chances. Here are some important contacts.
The Rights of the Child Come First January 14, 2020 Laws are provided to protect those most in need. The powerful can take care of themselves. Civil rights legislation offers a voice to women, ethnic minorities, persons of a different gender persuasion, those who are injured, and even to so-called illegal immigrants. An immature child with an unsafe or no home clearly heads this list. As our potentially most vulnerable citizen, the child whose basic need for safe and sane surroundings is seriously in jeopardy has an overriding right to our protection. The child’s rights become primary. 
Celebrating Family December 31, 2019 During a recent visit to our local hospital in Indianapolis, I noticed a brief and intermittent melody played over the hospital-wide sound system. I had to ask a nurse what that meant. She replied with a smile: “Oh, they play that every time we have a baby born here.”
On Giving December 17, 2019

This poem by Kahlil Gibran in “The Prophet” suggests much about the motivation of foster and adoptive parents.


About Lying December 3, 2019 When one lecturer recently asked a group of foster parents what behavior they would most like to eliminate in their child’s repertoire, lying led the list. “It’s a betrayal of family trust,” declared one father. “How can you ever trust him if you never know whether you are getting the truth?”
Family First November 19, 2019 The primary goal of the new Family First Preventive Services Act (10/19) is to avoid foster care when possible by keeping mother and child together in the home. Minimal federal funds are authorized for up to 12 months to provide mental health and substance abuse treatment for parents and for pregnant foster children. Keeping the original family together with help is a worthy goal. As a psychologist friend of mine remarked: “If the abuse is serious enough to remove a child in the first place, then chances of reunification should be slim.”
Finding That First Job November 5, 2019 My foster son wants to work. What kind of job should he get for starters and how can I help him?
On Stealing October 22, 2019 A better approach is to begin with prevention. You are taking a damaged child into your home. Don’t tempt him or her. Instead, secure your valuables.
Making a Difference, a new book on foster care and adoption October 8, 2019

Attorney Peter Kenny announces the publication of his third book: Making a Difference: Foster Care and Adoption. His book contains over 70 single-page topics, all of which are of major interest to foster and adoptive parents.  The book is inspiring, and practical, a quick and easy read.


Inspirational Moments for Foster and Adoptive Parents September 10, 2019

It’s not always the big things that affirm foster and adoptive parents. Here are four everyday moments that different foster parents I know found memorable.


Four Good Reads for Children at Bedtime August 27, 2019

Several parents have asked for suggestions about children’s books that especially relate to foster and adopted children. Here are my favorites.


Keep Smiling August 13, 2019

A strong sense of humor is a necessary survival tool for foster parents. Here are three of many examples shared by my foster parent friends.


The Family Meal July 30, 2019

The family meal has historically served two very important functions. It has provided better nutrition and it offers a major time when parents and children can relate to one another. So sit down and eat together when that is possible. But if not, here are a few other ideas.


Who Gives of Himself (Herself) July 16, 2019

James Russell Lowell, in his epic poem, "The Vision of Sir Launfal", writes of a knight who goes off in search of the cup which Jesus shared with his followers at his last supper.


On Adopting a Foster Child July 2, 2019

My husband and I recently adopted our beautiful two-year-old son. When I share this amazing news with people, I sometimes get a response that, well, stings.


Vacations with Foster Kids June 18, 2019

Where to go and what to do in Indiana for foster families.


Time Out for Foster Parents June 4, 2019

Be gentle with yourself. You are your child’s biggest and best resource. Remember when you first get on a plane? The stewardess is giving safety instructions. In case of emergency, if you are traveling with a small child, she tells you to put on your own oxygen mask first. Without you, your child may be lost.


Grandma Made a Promise April 9, 2019

When this single grandmother adopted her two young grandchildren, that was occasion to celebrate-- special enough to write a poem.


Don't Make Kids Wait March 26, 2019

Imagine you are awaiting the results of your breast exam or prostate test. You call daily but they still don’t have the results. What are you thinking, feeling?


Quotes about Adoption March 12, 2019

I hope these quotes about adoption inspire you like they have inspired me.


Extending Adoption Subsidies in Indiana February 26, 2019

You have adopted a child with a disability. Normally, the child's Medicaid and per diem payments, funded by the federal Adoption Assistance Program (AAP), continue till age 18. Can you get them extended until age 21? Yes, but it’s somewhat complicated. Here's how.


On True Love for Foster and Adoptive Friends February 12, 2019

In a plastic and often hollow world, you are the real people. You are doing it, giving without recompense. Lovers in a me-first world. Like Pinocchio and the weathered and worn Velveteen Rabbit, it is your loving that makes you real.


Every Child Has the Right to a Permanent Home January 29, 2019

Research has clearly shown that delay in achieving permanence is not in the child’s best interest. Time is the enemy of a growing and developing child.


The US Federal Income Tax Credit for Adoption January 15, 2019

The US government offers a one-time non-refundable tax credit to adopting parents for expenses incurred in the process. Most Indiana foster-to-adopt parents receive a post-adoption subsidy paid by the state. If that is the case...


Why Adopt? Inspiring Ideas from Past Clients January 1, 2019

There are as many answers as there are adoptive parents. Each person has their own story, their own personal motives. Here are a few ideas from past clients that have inspired me.


Dealing with Children's Cellphone Use December 18, 2018

Taking away their cellphones and forbidding access is not usually a wise strategy. In addition to preventing contact with their peers and searching for useful information, it may foster resentment and encourage sneakiness. Here are four approaches which may help you monitor cellphones and computer use without appearing to take over.


How to Become a Foster Parent in Indiana December 11, 2018

An overview of how to become a foster parent in Indiana. The process appears more complicated than it actually is.


Foster Care Payments Are Not Taxable Income November 27, 2018

Foster care payments are reimbursement for the daily costs of raising a child, and are not considered taxable income by the IRS. Having a foster child in the home does not change the family’s status for receiving food stamps.


Adoption: Two Views October 23, 2018

By Mary Kenny

I am so unfulfilled
I have a house
	a car
		a job
			a loving spouse
But I have no child.
I need a child-
	I need a child so I can grow-
Maybe I should adopt.

***

I am so blessed
I have a home
	a car
		a job
			a loving spouse
But I have no child.
I have so much to share.
I need to help a child-
	Help a child to grow-
Maybe I should adopt.	

Helping New Foster Parents October 9, 2018

Foster parents, like other people, learn best from experience. Which means that those new to fostering are at a disadvantage. Even if they have already raised children of their own, Foster parenting presents some unique challenges.


Dealing with Bad Language September 25, 2018

A friend of mine complained that his eleven- and thirteen-year-old foster sons frequently spiced their talk with crude sexual and violent words.


Leaving Home with Empty Hands September 11, 2018

Your new foster child appears at your door, frequently with nothing more than bare essentials.

To raise consciousness about how a child feels at that moment, here is a memorable exercise that has been used during foster parent training. To begin, the leader asks you to write down on five separate slips of paper the five things you value most.


Family Helpers August 28, 2018

Five-year-olds and up are capable of learning and performing several household chores.


The Non-responsive Child August 14, 2018

"We have had our five-year-old foster daughter for six months and are hoping to adopt her. She causes no trouble but is like a shy little mouse with few words and big eyes. How can we break through and communicate with her?"


The Exception Proves the Rule July 31, 2018

Frequently at foster parent gatherings the organizers will trot out a young man or woman who grew up in foster care and is now educated and successful in a career as a teacher, writer, or in another productive field. This child would be a high achiever in any field, but remains unusual. Most adopted children, like all developing youngsters, are works in progress.


Handling the Non-stop Child July 17, 2018

“Constantly in motion. That’s our first-grader, Jonny. If I can get him to stop for a minute, he stays poised on the edge of his seat, ready to run off as soon as I say okay….His mind is just as undisciplined, jumping from one thought to another. Homework time is a nightmare. His doctor prescribed medication to calm him without much success. Any ideas?”


The Termination of Parental Rights July 17, 2018

“We have had our foster child for almost two years and nothing seems to be happening. Mother makes a little progress and then relapses. How long will this go on? When does the state give up on reunification and look for another permanent home?”


Preparing a Life Book July 3, 2018

One simple and meaningful way to get to know your foster/adopted child is to help him or her collect their history in pictures and stories in their own homemade personal book. Whether you are able to adopt the child or not, a picture-story book will become a treasure for a child who lacks “possessions.”


All About the Child June 19, 2018

The child fares better when foster parents and the birth parent can get along. Mutual distrust and hostility, often based on a lack of information, serve no one. You don’t have to agree with one another. But foster parents do need to withhold judgment. And show courtesy and respect for the person.


Foster Parenting Isn't Easy June 5, 2018

To paraphrase the former Peace Corps slogan, foster parenting is the toughest job you’ll ever love. You have chosen a difficult path. Instead of a big cheering section, you are likely to face problems, and even be blamed unfairly when things go wrong.


A Grandmother's Story May 22, 2018

We were attending Grandparents’ Day at the elementary school of our youngest grandchildren. Several of the children were showing pictures of themselves as babies being held and admired by their grandparents. “I don’t have any baby pictures,” my young granddaughter said matter-of-factly. “I don’t know what I looked like when I was a baby.”


Ten Good Reasons to Adopt a Teen May 8, 2018

Why older foster children think teen adoption is a great idea:


Tony Dungy on Adoption April 24, 2018

“As a football coach, I always had to be ready to overcome unexpected challenges. With injuries, crowd noise, and especially weather, the game plan is always adjusting to adversity.”


On Being an Adoptive Dad April 10, 2018

My father, Dr. Jim Kenny, wrote the following article on how he felt about being the adoptive father of my brother and three sisters.


Hints on Handling Your New Foster Child March 27, 2018

In my last blog entry, I asked you to imagine welcoming your new ten-year-old foster son. He certainly feels alone and scared and may express that by acting cocksure, or more likely quiet and reserved at first. From a psychologist who was also a foster parent, here are a few hints on how you might respond.


My New Foster Son March 13, 2018

Imagine your new foster son has just come in the door. His name is Eric, he is ten years old, and is clutching a paper sack holding everything he owns. Not much. You greet him warmly and tell him he is welcome. But you don’t really know him. All you have to go by are your expectations. Here are a few thoughts you might consider.


A Voice for Foster Parents February 27, 2018

Caseworkers and DCS conferences do not have the final word about removal, placement, and possible adoption of Indiana children in foster care. Courts are where these ultimate decisions are made. Foster parents have rights to be heard in court.


A Foster-to-Adopt Story for Children February 13, 2018

My father, Dr. Jim Kenny, with the help of an artist from Stone Belt in Indiana, recently wrote a children’s story about a little monkey who loses both parents and begins searching the jungle, looking for them. After many adventures, he discovers a family of chimpanzees who offer him a permanent home. Little Lost Monkey is a foster-to-adopt story.


Why Bonding Matters January 30, 2018

Here is our definition which has been used to support adoption in many courts throughout the US: “Bonding is a significant reciprocal attachment which both parties want and expect to continue, and is interrupted at peril to the parties involved.” Interrupted bonding is strongly correlated with adult mental illness, crime, poverty, and homelessness. Bonding can be demonstrated by 24/7the amount of time spent together, by community support, and by statements from the parties involved.


When a Cooperative Adoption Makes Sense January 16, 2018

A cooperative adoption allows for some continuing post-adoption contact. This usually involves a nominal offering of information about the child and/or the exchange of cards, letters and photos. Less frequently, personal visits may be permitted on special occasions. It may make sense when the birth parent fears giving up all future connection with her child.


A Tale with Two Endings January 2, 2018

A Middle School teacher began the following story and asked his students to make up an ending: One child’s story finished very differently.


When Kids Fight December 19, 2017

 “My pre-teen-age boys get into fights regularly,” complained one foster parent.  “It’s hard to stop them. My caseworker warns me against punishment.  Help!” 


How to Keep a Journal on Your Foster Child December 5, 2017

The strongest material you can have in advocating for your foster child is a well-documented daily journal. Keeping a daily journal assists you when reporting to the Child Welfare Department or advocating for your foster child at case conferences and at court hearings, especially adoption. When opinions are divided, your journal provides you with reasons and documentation for your views.


The Best Training for Foster Parents November 21, 2017

Whatever happened to the old adage: “Experience is the best teacher”?   Most would agree that is true.  So why the heavy reliance on agency-run workshops or classes for foster parent training?  Parenting can be learned and improved in several ways.


Dealing with Allegations of Abuse for Foster Parents November 7, 2017 Foster parents are especially vulnerable to charges of child abuse and neglect. Charges may be leveled by the foster child, the birth parent, the caseworker, a neighbor, or a stranger. The reasons are many and the allegations may be exaggerated or patently false, often motivated by resentment. No matter the source or the merit of the charges or how absurd they appear, they must be taken seriously right from the start. Don’t wait.
Foster Children Discipline Tips for Foster Parents October 24, 2017

For too many people, discipline is equated with punishment. This creates a special problem for foster children who have already suffered from abuse and neglect. In actual fact, punishment is a rather ineffective method for obtaining compliance. There are other methods that work better. Here are a few ideas.


Indiana Adoption Subsidies for Foster Parents October 10, 2017

Many different subsidies are available for Indiana foster parents who wish to adopt. They include continuing your monthly payments, providing health insurance, reimbursing you for some of your adoption expenses, a federal income tax credit, and help with college tuition. Your new child is entitled to all the financial support that is offered.


My Mother's Thoughts on Adoption September 26, 2017

My mother’s wrote: “We raised twelve children, both ‘homemade’ and adopted. People often ask me how I did it. But then I met Ralph. Ralph is the one who makes me ask, ‘How do you do it?’”


A Moving Poem on Adoption September 12, 2017

I want to share Carol Lynn Pearson’s moving poem on adoption.


Should I Adopt? August 29, 2017

You may have been thinking about adoption. How does a family go about making that decision? Like marriage, adoption involves a lifetime commitment. Not a step to take lightly.


When Do You Need a Lawyer? August 15, 2017

Here are a few thoughts about when and why foster parents might benefit from legal help.


Motivation for Foster Parents August 1, 2017

My admiration for what foster and adoptive parents do is boundless. I am honored to be their attorney. They have tackled the toughest job I can imagine, offering their home to already damaged youngsters who may well take out their misdirected anger on the “new” parents.


Welcome to the Kenny Law Blog July 18, 2017

The Kenny Law Blog will offer a brief twice-monthly comment on issues of interest to foster parents, especially those who are considering adoption.


White Parents / Black Child

September 22, 2020

“We are white parents planning to adopt our four-year-old foster son of color. Any suggestions on how to handle the race questions ahead?”

I doubt that you need any advice in acquainting him with the rich heritage his culture provides. He has many black heroes to emulate: in entertainment, in sports, in religion, in politics, and in literature. And much to be proud of. He is lucky to anticipate growing up in two cultures. You can share stories with him of both black and white accomplishments.

Even more important is a black presence. If you do not already have black friends, involve yourselves in areas of work and play where you can meet and enjoy the company of people of color. Some of your new friends might become godparents or honorary uncles and aunties. You might develop ties with a family with whom your child can visit or spend a sleepover.

He also needs peers that look like him. If his color makes him a nearly invisible minority in school, consider other more integrated schools. If that is not possible, enroll him in sports and other activities as he grows older where having black friends seems more natural. Check with nearby black churches or community centers to explore options.

Unfortunately, as time passes, your son is likely to be mentally or physically bullied because of his color. Don’t make a big deal of it, but don’t wait until something unpleasant happens either. Let your son know that you are open to hearing about any racial bullying or hurtful experiences.

When he shares a bad moment, you might mention that all bullies act big and tough because they feel little inside. They are insecure. They need to show off and assert themselves by picking on others who seem vulnerable. When someone picks on your son, he needs to hear and know that he is a bigger and better person than the bully. After offering reassurance, help your son figure out how and when to respond and what to ignore.

As he become a teen, the problems become more adult. How should he respond when a store clerk follows him around? When a traffic cop stops him for “driving while black?” Perhaps he might share his hurt or anger with friends he can trust to be supportive. Hopefully he will continue to be comfortable sharing with you.

And always tell your child that he is loved and special. That he must be stronger and better than racial bullies.

read more

College or a Job for a High School Graduate?

September 8, 2020

My 18-year-old adopted son will be graduating from high school in the Spring. I want him to apply to college and receive an education.  He wants to get a job.  Help.

The fact that he is adopted should make no difference.  You should respond the same way you would if he were your birth child.  But before you do, here are a few things you might consider.

First of all, at age 18, he is legally an adult. You can try to persuade him, but ultimately the final choice belongs to him.  It is his life.

Second, college is not the only place people learn how to succeed in life.  The work world offers many opportunities to learn important life skills at all levels, from getting along with others to specific technical expertise.

And third, he can do both.  He can begin with a full-time job and later go back to school to learn what he has found that he needed.  He can begin college while working nights, weekends, or in the summer.  Or he can postpone a job and devote himself full time to academics. 

Let’s focus on his getting a job since that is his choice for now. Don’t be disappointed if he wants to start in a service industry.  Many successful adults began their careers there.  What did they learn?  Basic human skills like how to get along with others and how to settle disputes.  They also learned they did not want to remain at the bottom of the work force forever.

What about an entry level position in a field of his choice?  Not a bad idea.  That is a good way to learn what is involved before committing himself more fully through four years of college. If he likes what he is doing, his company may advance him over time and help with further training.  An apprenticeship might represent an ideal place to begin.  As he searches for employment, he may be motivated to learn how to prepare a resume, how to dress for success and otherwise present himself in the best light, and how to compromise.

College is not the only place to prepare for a career. On-the- job training provides a more practical approach and the chance for earlier advancement. 

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About Tantrums

August 25, 2020

Once a tantrum has started, stopping it is difficult. Rock-em sock-em tantrums are unlikely to be corrected by rational pleas or explanations. Foster parents need a three-step approach. First, do what you can to prevent a tantrum. Second, stop the out-of-control behavior. Third, re-engage the energy in another activity.

Two-year-olds are especially prone to tantrums. Think of their position in life. They have discovered that they can have an opinion and express it, but they have limited speech and little life experience. They have strong wants, and when those wants are frustrated, they have limited ways to deal with the situation. With such limitations, adults might also choose to have a tantrum.

Small children can erupt anywhere and at any time, but they are more likely to do so when they are hungry, tired, or frustrated. As foster parents arrive at a better understanding of their child, they can anticipate some tantrums with a snack, a nap, or by avoiding strange and new situations.

Don’t reward the upset child by trying to talk him into behaving.  Too often, such behaviors are seen as a way to get attention. And the child may continue the tantrum in anticipation of the desired payoff.

If a child has a tantrum while shopping and the parent buys a treat to interrupt the tantrum, the tantrums are likely to become more frequent. When the tantrums occur in a store, the solution is obvious. Tell your foster-child once to stop it. If that fails, don’t threaten or punish. Instead, pick up the child and leave the store immediately. The same technique applies when visiting a friend. Parents are physically bigger than two-year-olds. Move with the child to an empty room and wait out the tantrum behavior. If the child continues to be unhappy, end the visit.

When a child is having a tantrum, look for a non-verbal way to regain control. One mother picked up her out-of-control foster-daughter and sat her on an armless high stool. Her foster-daughter had to concentrate on balance and consequently was unable to throw herself around in a tantrum. As soon as she settled down, mother picked her up, gave her a hug, and turned her free.  Any age-appropriate physical activity might work to capture the anger.

A child in the midst of a tantrum is a very unhappy child. Avoid rewarding the tantrum. Reasoning is impossible and scolding is cruel. Interrupt the tantrum by some physical tactic. Then give the child a chance to calm down and move on.

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Your Quiet Foster Child

August 11, 2020

You have had a new second-grade foster son or daughter for a month.  He is compliant but smiles rarely.  Very passive and says little.  All your overtures seem to have elicited short and unhelpful responses.  How can you connect?

Listen with your third ear. Become quiet yourself.  Observe.

Watch him play with handheld devices.  Does your child play games?  Ask him about them. Can she teach you any games?

How about other simple card games, like War?  Would he be interested in playing with you? 

Does she watch you doing things around the house?  In the kitchen?  Ask her for help.  Start with simple things like spreading a bit of cheese on crackers for family appetizers.  Or topping off vanilla wafers for family dessert with a dab of frosting. 

Does he follow you when you are performing home repairs?  Would he be interested in helping with any home maintenance?  Perhaps he could hold your tools and hand you one when you asked.

Can you spend some quiet time with your daughter fixing her hair?  Perhaps you will be able to share other beauty aids with her, like decorating her fingernails or skin care.  

Do you exercise regularly?  Are you a jogger or a runner?  If so, would he be interested in running with you? Or any exercise program that involves lifting or stretching.  Would he enjoy simply playing catch?  Or a one-on-one game of kickball? 

Do you sew or knit? Perhaps she would be interested in learning how to make a simple project.  Or repair a hole in her shorts.

Are you an amateur artist?  Is she interested in drawing?  If so, encourage any of her efforts. The longest journey begins with a first small step.  Take turns doing a shared drawing, even a silly one.

Hobbies offer a multitude of areas for mutual togethering.  Something that you are passionate about may be contagious.  Or she may simply want to please you. Watch and listen.  Her actions may suggest ways to connect where words fall short.   

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