Peter A. Kenny's
Adoption and Foster Care Law Blog
Here, I write about foster parenting and legal issues related to foster care and adoption.
New posts come twice a month.
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Ideas from an attorney and a psychologist on how to raise foster and adopted children
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My 18-year-old adopted son will be graduating from high school in the Spring. I want him to apply to college and receive an education. He wants to get a job. Help.
The fact that he is adopted should make no difference. You should respond the same way you would if he were your birth child. But before you do, here are a few things you might consider.
Prevention by reining in a teen’s time away from home late at night is a good parental strategy. It is important to know where your youngsters are, especially later at night. Especially for teens when the odds go up for car crashes, sex, and other life-changing events.
Attorney Peter Kenny announces the publication of his third book: Making a Difference: Foster Care and Adoption. His book contains over 70 single-page topics, all of which are of major interest to foster and adoptive parents. The book is inspiring, and practical, a quick and easy read.
By Mary Kenny
I am so unfulfilled I have a house a car a job a loving spouse But I have no child. I need a child- I need a child so I can grow- Maybe I should adopt. *** I am so blessed I have a home a car a job a loving spouse But I have no child. I have so much to share. I need to help a child- Help a child to grow- Maybe I should adopt.
Foster parents, like other people, learn best from experience. Which means that those new to fostering are at a disadvantage. Even if they have already raised children of their own, Foster parenting presents some unique challenges.
A friend of mine complained that his eleven- and thirteen-year-old foster sons frequently spiced their talk with crude sexual and violent words.
Your new foster child appears at your door, frequently with nothing more than bare essentials.
To raise consciousness about how a child feels at that moment, here is a memorable exercise that has been used during foster parent training. To begin, the leader asks you to write down on five separate slips of paper the five things you value most.
Five-year-olds and up are capable of learning and performing several household chores.
"We have had our five-year-old foster daughter for six months and are hoping to adopt her. She causes no trouble but is like a shy little mouse with few words and big eyes. How can we break through and communicate with her?"
Frequently at foster parent gatherings the organizers will trot out a young man or woman who grew up in foster care and is now educated and successful in a career as a teacher, writer, or in another productive field. This child would be a high achiever in any field, but remains unusual. Most adopted children, like all developing youngsters, are works in progress.
“We have had our foster child for almost two years and nothing seems to be happening. Mother makes a little progress and then relapses. How long will this go on? When does the state give up on reunification and look for another permanent home?”
“Constantly in motion. That’s our first-grader, Jonny. If I can get him to stop for a minute, he stays poised on the edge of his seat, ready to run off as soon as I say okay….His mind is just as undisciplined, jumping from one thought to another. Homework time is a nightmare. His doctor prescribed medication to calm him without much success. Any ideas?”
One simple and meaningful way to get to know your foster/adopted child is to help him or her collect their history in pictures and stories in their own homemade personal book. Whether you are able to adopt the child or not, a picture-story book will become a treasure for a child who lacks “possessions.”
The child fares better when foster parents and the birth parent can get along. Mutual distrust and hostility, often based on a lack of information, serve no one. You don’t have to agree with one another. But foster parents do need to withhold judgment. And show courtesy and respect for the person.
To paraphrase the former Peace Corps slogan, foster parenting is the toughest job you’ll ever love. You have chosen a difficult path. Instead of a big cheering section, you are likely to face problems, and even be blamed unfairly when things go wrong.
We were attending Grandparents’ Day at the elementary school of our youngest grandchildren. Several of the children were showing pictures of themselves as babies being held and admired by their grandparents. “I don’t have any baby pictures,” my young granddaughter said matter-of-factly. “I don’t know what I looked like when I was a baby.”
Why older foster children think teen adoption is a great idea:
“As a football coach, I always had to be ready to overcome unexpected challenges. With injuries, crowd noise, and especially weather, the game plan is always adjusting to adversity.”
My father, Dr. Jim Kenny, wrote the following article on how he felt about being the adoptive father of my brother and three sisters.
In my last blog entry, I asked you to imagine welcoming your new ten-year-old foster son. He certainly feels alone and scared and may express that by acting cocksure, or more likely quiet and reserved at first. From a psychologist who was also a foster parent, here are a few hints on how you might respond.
Imagine your new foster son has just come in the door. His name is Eric, he is ten years old, and is clutching a paper sack holding everything he owns. Not much. You greet him warmly and tell him he is welcome. But you don’t really know him. All you have to go by are your expectations. Here are a few thoughts you might consider.
Caseworkers and DCS conferences do not have the final word about removal, placement, and possible adoption of Indiana children in foster care. Courts are where these ultimate decisions are made. Foster parents have rights to be heard in court.
My father, Dr. Jim Kenny, with the help of an artist from Stone Belt in Indiana, recently wrote a children’s story about a little monkey who loses both parents and begins searching the jungle, looking for them. After many adventures, he discovers a family of chimpanzees who offer him a permanent home. Little Lost Monkey is a foster-to-adopt story.
Here is our definition which has been used to support adoption in many courts throughout the US: “Bonding is a significant reciprocal attachment which both parties want and expect to continue, and is interrupted at peril to the parties involved.” Interrupted bonding is strongly correlated with adult mental illness, crime, poverty, and homelessness. Bonding can be demonstrated by 24/7the amount of time spent together, by community support, and by statements from the parties involved.
A cooperative adoption allows for some continuing post-adoption contact. This usually involves a nominal offering of information about the child and/or the exchange of cards, letters and photos. Less frequently, personal visits may be permitted on special occasions. It may make sense when the birth parent fears giving up all future connection with her child.
A Middle School teacher began the following story and asked his students to make up an ending: One child’s story finished very differently.
“My pre-teen-age boys get into fights regularly,” complained one foster parent. “It’s hard to stop them. My caseworker warns me against punishment. Help!”
The strongest material you can have in advocating for your foster child is a well-documented daily journal. Keeping a daily journal assists you when reporting to the Child Welfare Department or advocating for your foster child at case conferences and at court hearings, especially adoption. When opinions are divided, your journal provides you with reasons and documentation for your views.
Whatever happened to the old adage: “Experience is the best teacher”? Most would agree that is true. So why the heavy reliance on agency-run workshops or classes for foster parent training? Parenting can be learned and improved in several ways.
For too many people, discipline is equated with punishment. This creates a special problem for foster children who have already suffered from abuse and neglect. In actual fact, punishment is a rather ineffective method for obtaining compliance. There are other methods that work better. Here are a few ideas.
Many different subsidies are available for Indiana foster parents who wish to adopt. They include continuing your monthly payments, providing health insurance, reimbursing you for some of your adoption expenses, a federal income tax credit, and help with college tuition. Your new child is entitled to all the financial support that is offered.
My mother’s wrote: “We raised twelve children, both ‘homemade’ and adopted. People often ask me how I did it. But then I met Ralph. Ralph is the one who makes me ask, ‘How do you do it?’”
I want to share Carol Lynn Pearson’s moving poem on adoption.
You may have been thinking about adoption. How does a family go about making that decision? Like marriage, adoption involves a lifetime commitment. Not a step to take lightly.
Here are a few thoughts about when and why foster parents might benefit from legal help.
My admiration for what foster and adoptive parents do is boundless. I am honored to be their attorney. They have tackled the toughest job I can imagine, offering their home to already damaged youngsters who may well take out their misdirected anger on the “new” parents.
The Kenny Law Blog will offer a brief twice-monthly comment on issues of interest to foster parents, especially those who are considering adoption.
Fix the Problem, Not the Blame
July 28, 2020“The more I get after him, the worse he gets. He’s just doing it to get attention,” complained one foster mom. Mother has stated the major objection to the Lecture/Yell/Punish (LYP) method of discipline. It’s not that effective.
Of course he is getting worse. Most of us thrive on attention. So stop rewarding his problem behavior. What else can you do? Correct the problem directly rather than blaming and punishing the child. Apply brief consequences. Here are a few examples:
When he lies: Skip the lecture on the importance of trust. Instead, after a falsehood or two, no longer accept his word. Check independently on everything important that he tells you.
On stealing: After missing a few family possessions, one foster parent frisked his kids each time they left the house, even making a game of it. Another parent searched their room while they were gone.
On playing hookey: The school called to report an unannounced absence. After this happened twice, mom took a day to ride the bus and sit in class with her teen foster daughter. When the daughter complained that mom was embarrassing her, mom replied with a smile: “School is important. I simply want to make sure you attend.”
When siblings fight: Separate the combatants. Make it a fun game. Collect one of the combatants and take him with you as a helper. Or play “Hugo.” Identify one of those yelling or fighting as Hugo, and then direct him to go somewhere else.
The hyperactive child: Hold him on your lap and read him a story. Or set him on an armless stool with his legs dangling for a few minutes. Hopefully, balancing will require his full attention.
Consequences are designed to prevent problem behavior by providing a minimum of attention. The remedy is focused on stopping the behavior itself rather than trying to correct the personality of the child.
In addition to brevity, consequences aim at stopping the questionable behavior itself rather than inducing guilt with a time-consuming lecture. Further, the child is not demeaned with actual punishments like grounding, isolation, or withdrawal of privileges. The most important difference: Consequences are far more effective than a lecture and punishment.
read moreAbout Time Outs
July 14, 2020What does the coach do when his basketball team loses control of the game? A good coach calls a time out. Not so much to give his team new instructions but to “stop the bleeding.” Give them some time to regroup.
Time outs have an honorable history for effectiveness for parents in dealing with fighting and with temper tantrums. Rather than punishing their child, the parent applies a non-punitive consequence, one designed to stop the wild behavior without demeaning the person.
One foster parent found a fun way to stop fighting. When two of her young foster children began to scream at and hit each other, she shouted “Hugo.” With that, she named one of the youngsters Hugo (You go….) He was sent someplace else, to his room or outside for a short period. She knew her discipline was working when one of the combatants complained: “Why can’t I be Hugo?”
Another foster parent developed a simple way to stop her four-year-old when he began to shout and strike out at not getting his way. Rather than yelling at him or threatening punishment, she blew her whistle and said Time out.” Then she picked him up and placed him on a high-back stool with no arms. He had to remain there long enough to calm down. She wisely realized that the important issue was not whether he could have his way but whether he could control his behavior. In fact, he became so concerned with not falling off the stool that his lack of control subsided rapidly.
What to do? It’s simple. First, you need a loud noise to get their attention. Perhaps a short blast on whistle, a horn, or a magic word. Then remove your child from the immediate situation and engage him in some activity. You will have better results if the new activity is something that captures his attention. Good luck!
read moreThe Scary Stuff
June 30, 2020“My adopted son and daughter are almost legal adults. I know I need to give them more freedom to grow up,” one dad told me. “And yet the stakes are so much higher. No more little problems. Now my kids are facing mistakes that could change or destroy their lives. I know I need to let them go and yet I am frightened at what can happen. I want to protect them.”
Powerful life-shaping drives, like sex and aggression, have much in common. They both generate sudden strong physical arousal which insists on an immediate response. The cost of a serious mistake is unacceptably high. These drives are most impelling in adolescence, a time when emerging adults lack sufficient life experience to fully appreciate the dangers. What can parents do to minimize the dangers?
Why is it that the matters that parents are most concerned about are also the ones where they have the least to say? A thoughtful consideration of either violence or sex is considered taboo in our culture. Instead we demonize sex as pornography and we trivialize violence as if it were a game. Our attitude makes it doubly difficult to protect our children and to prepare them to cope with the two primal drives of sex and aggression.
Sex is the way the human race renews itself and a tangible expression of love. Yet we ignore its wondrous purposes, primarily focusing on premature and unwanted pregnancy. Aggression can fuel assertiveness and energize a person to overcome handicaps. It becomes a problem when it degenerates to personal violence. Unfortunately, we make light of it with a mindless overflow of homicidal video games and films, as if killing were romantic and death were not real. We live in a society that treats sex schizophrenically as a peekaboo sin, while violence is paraded as entertainment.
No verbal lectures can be relied upon to override surging hormones and passion. Checking for drugs and sex is a never-ending and nearly impossible quest. Teens are inventive enough to work their way around almost any parental attempt to control them.
Blind spots in our culture make it difficult for parents to deal with the dangerous problems of late adolescence. Each family must work with their teen to find their own reasonable solution: a balance between the almost-adult’s need for freedom to grow and the parents’ need to set limits learned over a lifetime.
read moreCurfews for Teens
June 16, 2020Prevention by reining in a teen’s time away from home late at night is a good parental strategy. It is important to know where your youngsters are, especially later at night. Especially for teens when the odds go up for car crashes, sex, and other life-changing events. On the one hand, teens need independence to try their wings while still under parental control. On the other hand, they need protection from their lack of life experience and their impetuous natures.
Curfews may be easier to verify but harder to enforce. The ability to apply a curfew will lesson the possibilities for tragedy.
Mark and Cindy realized that most problems with sex, cars, drugs and alcohol occurred later. They decided to require that their 15-year-old foster son be home by 10 on weekend nights. Although far from perfect, they believed this was a reasonable precaution. They used a strategy of rewards with bonuses for late time coupled with assigned work for every fifteen minutes late to enforce the curfew. While not perfect, the results were mostly positive.
What is a good curfew time? That varies, depending upon the age of your foster child and his or her likelihood of getting into trouble. Talk it over with your teen. Then set a time you believe is reasonable. Choose an earlier time to begin with. You can lengthen it later as he or she proves to be reliable.
Since problems with drugs and sex occur when your child is away from home, a curfew allows you as a parent to relax. You do know if your teen is home or not. If he is not home when he is expected, the simplest discipline is to go get your foster teen. No need to be mean about it. Do what you can to find out where your child is, collect him or her, and bring your teen home.
read more