Peter A. Kenny's
Adoption and Foster Care Law Blog
Here, I write about foster parenting and legal issues related to foster care and adoption.
New posts come twice a month.
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Ideas from an attorney and a psychologist on how to raise foster and adopted children
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My 18-year-old adopted son will be graduating from high school in the Spring. I want him to apply to college and receive an education. He wants to get a job. Help.
The fact that he is adopted should make no difference. You should respond the same way you would if he were your birth child. But before you do, here are a few things you might consider.
Prevention by reining in a teen’s time away from home late at night is a good parental strategy. It is important to know where your youngsters are, especially later at night. Especially for teens when the odds go up for car crashes, sex, and other life-changing events.
Attorney Peter Kenny announces the publication of his third book: Making a Difference: Foster Care and Adoption. His book contains over 70 single-page topics, all of which are of major interest to foster and adoptive parents. The book is inspiring, and practical, a quick and easy read.
By Mary Kenny
I am so unfulfilled I have a house a car a job a loving spouse But I have no child. I need a child- I need a child so I can grow- Maybe I should adopt. *** I am so blessed I have a home a car a job a loving spouse But I have no child. I have so much to share. I need to help a child- Help a child to grow- Maybe I should adopt.
Foster parents, like other people, learn best from experience. Which means that those new to fostering are at a disadvantage. Even if they have already raised children of their own, Foster parenting presents some unique challenges.
A friend of mine complained that his eleven- and thirteen-year-old foster sons frequently spiced their talk with crude sexual and violent words.
Your new foster child appears at your door, frequently with nothing more than bare essentials.
To raise consciousness about how a child feels at that moment, here is a memorable exercise that has been used during foster parent training. To begin, the leader asks you to write down on five separate slips of paper the five things you value most.
Five-year-olds and up are capable of learning and performing several household chores.
"We have had our five-year-old foster daughter for six months and are hoping to adopt her. She causes no trouble but is like a shy little mouse with few words and big eyes. How can we break through and communicate with her?"
Frequently at foster parent gatherings the organizers will trot out a young man or woman who grew up in foster care and is now educated and successful in a career as a teacher, writer, or in another productive field. This child would be a high achiever in any field, but remains unusual. Most adopted children, like all developing youngsters, are works in progress.
“We have had our foster child for almost two years and nothing seems to be happening. Mother makes a little progress and then relapses. How long will this go on? When does the state give up on reunification and look for another permanent home?”
“Constantly in motion. That’s our first-grader, Jonny. If I can get him to stop for a minute, he stays poised on the edge of his seat, ready to run off as soon as I say okay….His mind is just as undisciplined, jumping from one thought to another. Homework time is a nightmare. His doctor prescribed medication to calm him without much success. Any ideas?”
One simple and meaningful way to get to know your foster/adopted child is to help him or her collect their history in pictures and stories in their own homemade personal book. Whether you are able to adopt the child or not, a picture-story book will become a treasure for a child who lacks “possessions.”
The child fares better when foster parents and the birth parent can get along. Mutual distrust and hostility, often based on a lack of information, serve no one. You don’t have to agree with one another. But foster parents do need to withhold judgment. And show courtesy and respect for the person.
To paraphrase the former Peace Corps slogan, foster parenting is the toughest job you’ll ever love. You have chosen a difficult path. Instead of a big cheering section, you are likely to face problems, and even be blamed unfairly when things go wrong.
We were attending Grandparents’ Day at the elementary school of our youngest grandchildren. Several of the children were showing pictures of themselves as babies being held and admired by their grandparents. “I don’t have any baby pictures,” my young granddaughter said matter-of-factly. “I don’t know what I looked like when I was a baby.”
Why older foster children think teen adoption is a great idea:
“As a football coach, I always had to be ready to overcome unexpected challenges. With injuries, crowd noise, and especially weather, the game plan is always adjusting to adversity.”
My father, Dr. Jim Kenny, wrote the following article on how he felt about being the adoptive father of my brother and three sisters.
In my last blog entry, I asked you to imagine welcoming your new ten-year-old foster son. He certainly feels alone and scared and may express that by acting cocksure, or more likely quiet and reserved at first. From a psychologist who was also a foster parent, here are a few hints on how you might respond.
Imagine your new foster son has just come in the door. His name is Eric, he is ten years old, and is clutching a paper sack holding everything he owns. Not much. You greet him warmly and tell him he is welcome. But you don’t really know him. All you have to go by are your expectations. Here are a few thoughts you might consider.
Caseworkers and DCS conferences do not have the final word about removal, placement, and possible adoption of Indiana children in foster care. Courts are where these ultimate decisions are made. Foster parents have rights to be heard in court.
My father, Dr. Jim Kenny, with the help of an artist from Stone Belt in Indiana, recently wrote a children’s story about a little monkey who loses both parents and begins searching the jungle, looking for them. After many adventures, he discovers a family of chimpanzees who offer him a permanent home. Little Lost Monkey is a foster-to-adopt story.
Here is our definition which has been used to support adoption in many courts throughout the US: “Bonding is a significant reciprocal attachment which both parties want and expect to continue, and is interrupted at peril to the parties involved.” Interrupted bonding is strongly correlated with adult mental illness, crime, poverty, and homelessness. Bonding can be demonstrated by 24/7the amount of time spent together, by community support, and by statements from the parties involved.
A cooperative adoption allows for some continuing post-adoption contact. This usually involves a nominal offering of information about the child and/or the exchange of cards, letters and photos. Less frequently, personal visits may be permitted on special occasions. It may make sense when the birth parent fears giving up all future connection with her child.
A Middle School teacher began the following story and asked his students to make up an ending: One child’s story finished very differently.
“My pre-teen-age boys get into fights regularly,” complained one foster parent. “It’s hard to stop them. My caseworker warns me against punishment. Help!”
The strongest material you can have in advocating for your foster child is a well-documented daily journal. Keeping a daily journal assists you when reporting to the Child Welfare Department or advocating for your foster child at case conferences and at court hearings, especially adoption. When opinions are divided, your journal provides you with reasons and documentation for your views.
Whatever happened to the old adage: “Experience is the best teacher”? Most would agree that is true. So why the heavy reliance on agency-run workshops or classes for foster parent training? Parenting can be learned and improved in several ways.
For too many people, discipline is equated with punishment. This creates a special problem for foster children who have already suffered from abuse and neglect. In actual fact, punishment is a rather ineffective method for obtaining compliance. There are other methods that work better. Here are a few ideas.
Many different subsidies are available for Indiana foster parents who wish to adopt. They include continuing your monthly payments, providing health insurance, reimbursing you for some of your adoption expenses, a federal income tax credit, and help with college tuition. Your new child is entitled to all the financial support that is offered.
My mother’s wrote: “We raised twelve children, both ‘homemade’ and adopted. People often ask me how I did it. But then I met Ralph. Ralph is the one who makes me ask, ‘How do you do it?’”
I want to share Carol Lynn Pearson’s moving poem on adoption.
You may have been thinking about adoption. How does a family go about making that decision? Like marriage, adoption involves a lifetime commitment. Not a step to take lightly.
Here are a few thoughts about when and why foster parents might benefit from legal help.
My admiration for what foster and adoptive parents do is boundless. I am honored to be their attorney. They have tackled the toughest job I can imagine, offering their home to already damaged youngsters who may well take out their misdirected anger on the “new” parents.
The Kenny Law Blog will offer a brief twice-monthly comment on issues of interest to foster parents, especially those who are considering adoption.
White Parents / Black Child
September 22, 2020“We are white parents planning to adopt our four-year-old foster son of color. Any suggestions on how to handle the race questions ahead?” I doubt that you need any advice in acquainting him with the rich heritage his culture provides. He has many black heroes to emulate: in entertainment, in sports, in religion, in politics, and in literature. And much to be proud of. He is lucky to anticipate growing up in two cultures. You can share stories with him of both black and white accomplishments. Even more important is a black presence. If you do not already have black friends, involve yourselves in areas of work and play where you can meet and enjoy the company of people of color. Some of your new friends might become godparents or honorary uncles and aunties. You might develop ties with a family with whom your child can visit or spend a sleepover. He also needs peers that look like him. If his color makes him a nearly invisible minority in school, consider other more integrated schools. If that is not possible, enroll him in sports and other activities as he grows older where having black friends seems more natural. Check with nearby black churches or community centers to explore options. Unfortunately, as time passes, your son is likely to be mentally or physically bullied because of his color. Don’t make a big deal of it, but don’t wait until something unpleasant happens either. Let your son know that you are open to hearing about any racial bullying or hurtful experiences. When he shares a bad moment, you might mention that all bullies act big and tough because they feel little inside. They are insecure. They need to show off and assert themselves by picking on others who seem vulnerable. When someone picks on your son, he needs to hear and know that he is a bigger and better person than the bully. After offering reassurance, help your son figure out how and when to respond and what to ignore. As he become a teen, the problems become more adult. How should he respond when a store clerk follows him around? When a traffic cop stops him for “driving while black?” Perhaps he might share his hurt or anger with friends he can trust to be supportive. Hopefully he will continue to be comfortable sharing with you. And always tell your child that he is loved and special. That he must be stronger and better than racial bullies.read moreCollege or a Job for a High School Graduate?
September 8, 2020My 18-year-old adopted son will be graduating from high school in the Spring. I want him to apply to college and receive an education. He wants to get a job. Help.
The fact that he is adopted should make no difference. You should respond the same way you would if he were your birth child. But before you do, here are a few things you might consider.
First of all, at age 18, he is legally an adult. You can try to persuade him, but ultimately the final choice belongs to him. It is his life.
Second, college is not the only place people learn how to succeed in life. The work world offers many opportunities to learn important life skills at all levels, from getting along with others to specific technical expertise.
And third, he can do both. He can begin with a full-time job and later go back to school to learn what he has found that he needed. He can begin college while working nights, weekends, or in the summer. Or he can postpone a job and devote himself full time to academics.
Let’s focus on his getting a job since that is his choice for now. Don’t be disappointed if he wants to start in a service industry. Many successful adults began their careers there. What did they learn? Basic human skills like how to get along with others and how to settle disputes. They also learned they did not want to remain at the bottom of the work force forever.
What about an entry level position in a field of his choice? Not a bad idea. That is a good way to learn what is involved before committing himself more fully through four years of college. If he likes what he is doing, his company may advance him over time and help with further training. An apprenticeship might represent an ideal place to begin. As he searches for employment, he may be motivated to learn how to prepare a resume, how to dress for success and otherwise present himself in the best light, and how to compromise.
College is not the only place to prepare for a career. On-the- job training provides a more practical approach and the chance for earlier advancement.
read moreAbout Tantrums
August 25, 2020Once a tantrum has started, stopping it is difficult. Rock-em sock-em tantrums are unlikely to be corrected by rational pleas or explanations. Foster parents need a three-step approach. First, do what you can to prevent a tantrum. Second, stop the out-of-control behavior. Third, re-engage the energy in another activity.
Two-year-olds are especially prone to tantrums. Think of their position in life. They have discovered that they can have an opinion and express it, but they have limited speech and little life experience. They have strong wants, and when those wants are frustrated, they have limited ways to deal with the situation. With such limitations, adults might also choose to have a tantrum.
Small children can erupt anywhere and at any time, but they are more likely to do so when they are hungry, tired, or frustrated. As foster parents arrive at a better understanding of their child, they can anticipate some tantrums with a snack, a nap, or by avoiding strange and new situations.
Don’t reward the upset child by trying to talk him into behaving. Too often, such behaviors are seen as a way to get attention. And the child may continue the tantrum in anticipation of the desired payoff.
If a child has a tantrum while shopping and the parent buys a treat to interrupt the tantrum, the tantrums are likely to become more frequent. When the tantrums occur in a store, the solution is obvious. Tell your foster-child once to stop it. If that fails, don’t threaten or punish. Instead, pick up the child and leave the store immediately. The same technique applies when visiting a friend. Parents are physically bigger than two-year-olds. Move with the child to an empty room and wait out the tantrum behavior. If the child continues to be unhappy, end the visit.
When a child is having a tantrum, look for a non-verbal way to regain control. One mother picked up her out-of-control foster-daughter and sat her on an armless high stool. Her foster-daughter had to concentrate on balance and consequently was unable to throw herself around in a tantrum. As soon as she settled down, mother picked her up, gave her a hug, and turned her free. Any age-appropriate physical activity might work to capture the anger.
A child in the midst of a tantrum is a very unhappy child. Avoid rewarding the tantrum. Reasoning is impossible and scolding is cruel. Interrupt the tantrum by some physical tactic. Then give the child a chance to calm down and move on.
read moreYour Quiet Foster Child
August 11, 2020You have had a new second-grade foster son or daughter for a month. He is compliant but smiles rarely. Very passive and says little. All your overtures seem to have elicited short and unhelpful responses. How can you connect?
Listen with your third ear. Become quiet yourself. Observe.
Watch him play with handheld devices. Does your child play games? Ask him about them. Can she teach you any games?
How about other simple card games, like War? Would he be interested in playing with you?
Does she watch you doing things around the house? In the kitchen? Ask her for help. Start with simple things like spreading a bit of cheese on crackers for family appetizers. Or topping off vanilla wafers for family dessert with a dab of frosting.
Does he follow you when you are performing home repairs? Would he be interested in helping with any home maintenance? Perhaps he could hold your tools and hand you one when you asked.
Can you spend some quiet time with your daughter fixing her hair? Perhaps you will be able to share other beauty aids with her, like decorating her fingernails or skin care.
Do you exercise regularly? Are you a jogger or a runner? If so, would he be interested in running with you? Or any exercise program that involves lifting or stretching. Would he enjoy simply playing catch? Or a one-on-one game of kickball?
Do you sew or knit? Perhaps she would be interested in learning how to make a simple project. Or repair a hole in her shorts.
Are you an amateur artist? Is she interested in drawing? If so, encourage any of her efforts. The longest journey begins with a first small step. Take turns doing a shared drawing, even a silly one.
Hobbies offer a multitude of areas for mutual togethering. Something that you are passionate about may be contagious. Or she may simply want to please you. Watch and listen. Her actions may suggest ways to connect where words fall short.
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