Peter A. Kenny's
Adoption and Foster Care Law Blog
Here, I write about foster parenting and legal issues related to foster care and adoption.
New posts come twice a month.
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Ideas from an attorney and a psychologist on how to raise foster and adopted children
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My 18-year-old adopted son will be graduating from high school in the Spring. I want him to apply to college and receive an education. He wants to get a job. Help.
The fact that he is adopted should make no difference. You should respond the same way you would if he were your birth child. But before you do, here are a few things you might consider.
Prevention by reining in a teen’s time away from home late at night is a good parental strategy. It is important to know where your youngsters are, especially later at night. Especially for teens when the odds go up for car crashes, sex, and other life-changing events.
Attorney Peter Kenny announces the publication of his third book: Making a Difference: Foster Care and Adoption. His book contains over 70 single-page topics, all of which are of major interest to foster and adoptive parents. The book is inspiring, and practical, a quick and easy read.
By Mary Kenny
I am so unfulfilled I have a house a car a job a loving spouse But I have no child. I need a child- I need a child so I can grow- Maybe I should adopt. *** I am so blessed I have a home a car a job a loving spouse But I have no child. I have so much to share. I need to help a child- Help a child to grow- Maybe I should adopt.
Foster parents, like other people, learn best from experience. Which means that those new to fostering are at a disadvantage. Even if they have already raised children of their own, Foster parenting presents some unique challenges.
A friend of mine complained that his eleven- and thirteen-year-old foster sons frequently spiced their talk with crude sexual and violent words.
Your new foster child appears at your door, frequently with nothing more than bare essentials.
To raise consciousness about how a child feels at that moment, here is a memorable exercise that has been used during foster parent training. To begin, the leader asks you to write down on five separate slips of paper the five things you value most.
Five-year-olds and up are capable of learning and performing several household chores.
"We have had our five-year-old foster daughter for six months and are hoping to adopt her. She causes no trouble but is like a shy little mouse with few words and big eyes. How can we break through and communicate with her?"
Frequently at foster parent gatherings the organizers will trot out a young man or woman who grew up in foster care and is now educated and successful in a career as a teacher, writer, or in another productive field. This child would be a high achiever in any field, but remains unusual. Most adopted children, like all developing youngsters, are works in progress.
“We have had our foster child for almost two years and nothing seems to be happening. Mother makes a little progress and then relapses. How long will this go on? When does the state give up on reunification and look for another permanent home?”
“Constantly in motion. That’s our first-grader, Jonny. If I can get him to stop for a minute, he stays poised on the edge of his seat, ready to run off as soon as I say okay….His mind is just as undisciplined, jumping from one thought to another. Homework time is a nightmare. His doctor prescribed medication to calm him without much success. Any ideas?”
One simple and meaningful way to get to know your foster/adopted child is to help him or her collect their history in pictures and stories in their own homemade personal book. Whether you are able to adopt the child or not, a picture-story book will become a treasure for a child who lacks “possessions.”
The child fares better when foster parents and the birth parent can get along. Mutual distrust and hostility, often based on a lack of information, serve no one. You don’t have to agree with one another. But foster parents do need to withhold judgment. And show courtesy and respect for the person.
To paraphrase the former Peace Corps slogan, foster parenting is the toughest job you’ll ever love. You have chosen a difficult path. Instead of a big cheering section, you are likely to face problems, and even be blamed unfairly when things go wrong.
We were attending Grandparents’ Day at the elementary school of our youngest grandchildren. Several of the children were showing pictures of themselves as babies being held and admired by their grandparents. “I don’t have any baby pictures,” my young granddaughter said matter-of-factly. “I don’t know what I looked like when I was a baby.”
Why older foster children think teen adoption is a great idea:
“As a football coach, I always had to be ready to overcome unexpected challenges. With injuries, crowd noise, and especially weather, the game plan is always adjusting to adversity.”
My father, Dr. Jim Kenny, wrote the following article on how he felt about being the adoptive father of my brother and three sisters.
In my last blog entry, I asked you to imagine welcoming your new ten-year-old foster son. He certainly feels alone and scared and may express that by acting cocksure, or more likely quiet and reserved at first. From a psychologist who was also a foster parent, here are a few hints on how you might respond.
Imagine your new foster son has just come in the door. His name is Eric, he is ten years old, and is clutching a paper sack holding everything he owns. Not much. You greet him warmly and tell him he is welcome. But you don’t really know him. All you have to go by are your expectations. Here are a few thoughts you might consider.
Caseworkers and DCS conferences do not have the final word about removal, placement, and possible adoption of Indiana children in foster care. Courts are where these ultimate decisions are made. Foster parents have rights to be heard in court.
My father, Dr. Jim Kenny, with the help of an artist from Stone Belt in Indiana, recently wrote a children’s story about a little monkey who loses both parents and begins searching the jungle, looking for them. After many adventures, he discovers a family of chimpanzees who offer him a permanent home. Little Lost Monkey is a foster-to-adopt story.
Here is our definition which has been used to support adoption in many courts throughout the US: “Bonding is a significant reciprocal attachment which both parties want and expect to continue, and is interrupted at peril to the parties involved.” Interrupted bonding is strongly correlated with adult mental illness, crime, poverty, and homelessness. Bonding can be demonstrated by 24/7the amount of time spent together, by community support, and by statements from the parties involved.
A cooperative adoption allows for some continuing post-adoption contact. This usually involves a nominal offering of information about the child and/or the exchange of cards, letters and photos. Less frequently, personal visits may be permitted on special occasions. It may make sense when the birth parent fears giving up all future connection with her child.
A Middle School teacher began the following story and asked his students to make up an ending: One child’s story finished very differently.
“My pre-teen-age boys get into fights regularly,” complained one foster parent. “It’s hard to stop them. My caseworker warns me against punishment. Help!”
The strongest material you can have in advocating for your foster child is a well-documented daily journal. Keeping a daily journal assists you when reporting to the Child Welfare Department or advocating for your foster child at case conferences and at court hearings, especially adoption. When opinions are divided, your journal provides you with reasons and documentation for your views.
Whatever happened to the old adage: “Experience is the best teacher”? Most would agree that is true. So why the heavy reliance on agency-run workshops or classes for foster parent training? Parenting can be learned and improved in several ways.
For too many people, discipline is equated with punishment. This creates a special problem for foster children who have already suffered from abuse and neglect. In actual fact, punishment is a rather ineffective method for obtaining compliance. There are other methods that work better. Here are a few ideas.
Many different subsidies are available for Indiana foster parents who wish to adopt. They include continuing your monthly payments, providing health insurance, reimbursing you for some of your adoption expenses, a federal income tax credit, and help with college tuition. Your new child is entitled to all the financial support that is offered.
My mother’s wrote: “We raised twelve children, both ‘homemade’ and adopted. People often ask me how I did it. But then I met Ralph. Ralph is the one who makes me ask, ‘How do you do it?’”
I want to share Carol Lynn Pearson’s moving poem on adoption.
You may have been thinking about adoption. How does a family go about making that decision? Like marriage, adoption involves a lifetime commitment. Not a step to take lightly.
Here are a few thoughts about when and why foster parents might benefit from legal help.
My admiration for what foster and adoptive parents do is boundless. I am honored to be their attorney. They have tackled the toughest job I can imagine, offering their home to already damaged youngsters who may well take out their misdirected anger on the “new” parents.
The Kenny Law Blog will offer a brief twice-monthly comment on issues of interest to foster parents, especially those who are considering adoption.
Rowdy Student to Son
April 20, 2021"At certain points, his behavior got so bad," Chelsea said, "I thought, 'I can't do this anymore. I can't be a teacher.'" Chelsea was working with Teach for America in a low-income elementary school. That's how she found herself in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, struggling to control Jerome and, somehow, gaining his trust. Other teachers would send the boy to her classroom, where she made him get his work done. "I got a lot of thankful emails and knocks on my door," she said. She did not expect to encounter a tough boy like Jerome. She definitely did not plan on adopting him and his little brother. "I never thought I'd be a single mom in my early twenties, especially of two boys, one of whom was my 12-year-old student. And the other one who was only a year-and-a-half." Jerome was living with his birth mother and his newborn brother, Jace, at the time. Mother’s husband and a small daughter had both already died. The family of three was in poverty and moved around a lot. By 2015, Chelsea had signed up for a third year as a special ed teacher so she could continue to work with Jerome. Then one night she had a dream that Jerome was living with her. The very next day, he sat alone with her taking a test. "He just asked if he could live with me," she recalled. "I told him I had been feeling the same thing." The next day, Chelsea went to dinner with Jerome, Jace and their mother. After Chelsea had explained she would be returning to her home in Georgia, mother told her: “I want you to take Jerome and Jace with you." Chelsea returned to Georgia, pulled money from her retirement account for a down payment on a house, and filed to adopt both boys. At age 26, she was a middle school teacher in a suburb of Atlanta. Jerome "has not gotten any suspensions or anything, which is a huge improvement from life in Louisiana," she said. "He used to fail all of his classes and just didn't care. Now he has made honor roll both quarters of his eighth-grade year so far."read moreTwo Dumb Questions on Adoption
April 6, 2021From my own family and from my legal practice, I have become aware of dumb questions people ask about adoption. Two in particular stand out. “Why did you adopt?” is the first no-brainer. One version is the suggestion “You must be a saint to take on these poor motherless children.” Very few foster parents consider themselves saints or adopt because they feel they “should.” People adopt for the same variety of reasons they have children in the usual way. They want a family. Or they have had a foster child and have become accustomed to parenthood. Or they fall in love with the child. The only difference is they have a choice. They are not surprised by a pregnancy. My parents had three boys in a row. They wanted a girl and adopted one. They had three more boys. They adopted another little girl. Two more homemade children and they adopted my last two siblings. Why? I think they felt the house was empty and they missed babies. “Which ones are really yours?” is the second dumb question. My younger brother apparently had been asked by a neighbor friend which ones of my siblings were adopted. My brother didn’t know, had to ask our mom. It was so insignificant a fact that he had forgotten. Even though the adopted children had a different beginning, we were all family, brothers and sisters. An Indiana 2003 appellate court decision upheld the adoption by a foster father of five years over a competing petition from biological relatives, noting that he was the parent “in terms that matter most.” The choice of adoption is as significant as the choice of a marital partner. In fact, there are far more divorces than there are failed adoptions. On the other hand, perhaps no children, however they arrived, belong to their parents. In the lovely words of the Arab poet, Khalil Gibran: “Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of life’s longing for itself.”read moreMoving Toward Permanence
March 23, 2021Here are a few suggestions, both for birth parents who wish to be reunited with their child, and for foster parents who hope to adopt. First, show yourself to be a committed and caring parent. If you are a birth parent, follow your reunification plan carefully. Correct the reasons given for the loss of your child. Be on time for your appointments. Turn your home and life around. As a foster parent, follow the child welfare policies. Keep a daily journal. Include everyday happenings, as well as school achievements and medical appointments. Preparing a Life Book for your foster child is evidence of your concern and commitment. Second, get along with the case manager and the CASA/GAL. This is equally important for both birth and foster parents. If they don’t contact you, call them and report. Having your own opinion is important, but do not badmouth the other parties. Search for areas of agreement and build on those. If the birth mother and foster parents get along, consider a cooperative adoption. Third, marshal a wider body of support. Reach out to your extended family and friends, your church family, and the child’s teacher and physician. If you are a foster parent, seek counsel and support from your fellow foster parents. Finally, if serious issues remain and a court decision seems necessary, find and hire a knowledgeable attorney. You need a compelling voice to help present your information and wishes before the judge. Don’t assume everything will work out the way you think it should. Your child is too important.read moreInstant Family
March 9, 2021“Instant Family” is a realistic full-length feature film about the ups and downs of fostering-to-adopt. To quote one reviewer: “We are foster parents and this movie touched every base and emotion about what foster parents go through.” The film story was written by a foster parent. The actors are excellent. And beyond all that, it is touching and funny and great entertainment. Ellen and Pete, the featured couple, are childless and in their 40s. While working to renovate an old house, they decide to adopt a teen. With an unrealistic notion that they can bring a disadvantaged older child into their home smoothly, they begin an eight-week orientation class in foster parenting. There they meet with other like-minded couples and individuals who have their own differing personal motivations. Soon they learn that their choice of Liz, a 15-year-old girl, is a package deal. She comes with two smaller siblings. But when Ellen and Pete find themselves faced with the challenge of simultaneously hosting three young siblings with a tragic shared background, they quickly learn that parenting is not quite as simple as renovating a house. The “fun” begins. “Instant Family” tackles all the major issues: A single foster parent, Christian parents, a gay couple, and our featured foster parents. Other typical scenes involve foster parent training with two delightful caseworkers, group support sessions, an adoption fair, court appearances, reunification, and more. But the best part of all happens within the family as the honeymoon ends quickly. The little girl has a shout-out temper tantrum. The 15-year-old is defiant and runs away. An effervescent grandma arrives, bringing both chaos and delight. Relatives and friends are free with well-meaning but off-the-mark comments. And so much more. The foster kids are moody, changeable, and always surprising. And everything is laced with non-stop energy, with frustration, and constantly spiced with laugh-out loud moments. “Instant Family” rivals “Parenthood,” my family’s all-time favorite movie, as a touching family comedy to please all audiences. Over thirty-six hundred Amazon reviewers awarded the film a 4.6 rating. It is available on Amazon Prime and Hulu. Worth viewing. And if you aren’t moved to tears by the picture’s ending, consult a physician--you don’t have a heart.read more