Peter A. Kenny's
Adoption and Foster Care Law Blog
Here, I write about foster parenting and legal issues related to foster care and adoption.
New posts come twice a month.
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Ideas from an attorney and a psychologist on how to raise foster and adopted children
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My 18-year-old adopted son will be graduating from high school in the Spring. I want him to apply to college and receive an education. He wants to get a job. Help.
The fact that he is adopted should make no difference. You should respond the same way you would if he were your birth child. But before you do, here are a few things you might consider.
Prevention by reining in a teen’s time away from home late at night is a good parental strategy. It is important to know where your youngsters are, especially later at night. Especially for teens when the odds go up for car crashes, sex, and other life-changing events.
Attorney Peter Kenny announces the publication of his third book: Making a Difference: Foster Care and Adoption. His book contains over 70 single-page topics, all of which are of major interest to foster and adoptive parents. The book is inspiring, and practical, a quick and easy read.
By Mary Kenny
I am so unfulfilled I have a house a car a job a loving spouse But I have no child. I need a child- I need a child so I can grow- Maybe I should adopt. *** I am so blessed I have a home a car a job a loving spouse But I have no child. I have so much to share. I need to help a child- Help a child to grow- Maybe I should adopt.
Foster parents, like other people, learn best from experience. Which means that those new to fostering are at a disadvantage. Even if they have already raised children of their own, Foster parenting presents some unique challenges.
A friend of mine complained that his eleven- and thirteen-year-old foster sons frequently spiced their talk with crude sexual and violent words.
Your new foster child appears at your door, frequently with nothing more than bare essentials.
To raise consciousness about how a child feels at that moment, here is a memorable exercise that has been used during foster parent training. To begin, the leader asks you to write down on five separate slips of paper the five things you value most.
Five-year-olds and up are capable of learning and performing several household chores.
"We have had our five-year-old foster daughter for six months and are hoping to adopt her. She causes no trouble but is like a shy little mouse with few words and big eyes. How can we break through and communicate with her?"
Frequently at foster parent gatherings the organizers will trot out a young man or woman who grew up in foster care and is now educated and successful in a career as a teacher, writer, or in another productive field. This child would be a high achiever in any field, but remains unusual. Most adopted children, like all developing youngsters, are works in progress.
“We have had our foster child for almost two years and nothing seems to be happening. Mother makes a little progress and then relapses. How long will this go on? When does the state give up on reunification and look for another permanent home?”
“Constantly in motion. That’s our first-grader, Jonny. If I can get him to stop for a minute, he stays poised on the edge of his seat, ready to run off as soon as I say okay….His mind is just as undisciplined, jumping from one thought to another. Homework time is a nightmare. His doctor prescribed medication to calm him without much success. Any ideas?”
One simple and meaningful way to get to know your foster/adopted child is to help him or her collect their history in pictures and stories in their own homemade personal book. Whether you are able to adopt the child or not, a picture-story book will become a treasure for a child who lacks “possessions.”
The child fares better when foster parents and the birth parent can get along. Mutual distrust and hostility, often based on a lack of information, serve no one. You don’t have to agree with one another. But foster parents do need to withhold judgment. And show courtesy and respect for the person.
To paraphrase the former Peace Corps slogan, foster parenting is the toughest job you’ll ever love. You have chosen a difficult path. Instead of a big cheering section, you are likely to face problems, and even be blamed unfairly when things go wrong.
We were attending Grandparents’ Day at the elementary school of our youngest grandchildren. Several of the children were showing pictures of themselves as babies being held and admired by their grandparents. “I don’t have any baby pictures,” my young granddaughter said matter-of-factly. “I don’t know what I looked like when I was a baby.”
Why older foster children think teen adoption is a great idea:
“As a football coach, I always had to be ready to overcome unexpected challenges. With injuries, crowd noise, and especially weather, the game plan is always adjusting to adversity.”
My father, Dr. Jim Kenny, wrote the following article on how he felt about being the adoptive father of my brother and three sisters.
In my last blog entry, I asked you to imagine welcoming your new ten-year-old foster son. He certainly feels alone and scared and may express that by acting cocksure, or more likely quiet and reserved at first. From a psychologist who was also a foster parent, here are a few hints on how you might respond.
Imagine your new foster son has just come in the door. His name is Eric, he is ten years old, and is clutching a paper sack holding everything he owns. Not much. You greet him warmly and tell him he is welcome. But you don’t really know him. All you have to go by are your expectations. Here are a few thoughts you might consider.
Caseworkers and DCS conferences do not have the final word about removal, placement, and possible adoption of Indiana children in foster care. Courts are where these ultimate decisions are made. Foster parents have rights to be heard in court.
My father, Dr. Jim Kenny, with the help of an artist from Stone Belt in Indiana, recently wrote a children’s story about a little monkey who loses both parents and begins searching the jungle, looking for them. After many adventures, he discovers a family of chimpanzees who offer him a permanent home. Little Lost Monkey is a foster-to-adopt story.
Here is our definition which has been used to support adoption in many courts throughout the US: “Bonding is a significant reciprocal attachment which both parties want and expect to continue, and is interrupted at peril to the parties involved.” Interrupted bonding is strongly correlated with adult mental illness, crime, poverty, and homelessness. Bonding can be demonstrated by 24/7the amount of time spent together, by community support, and by statements from the parties involved.
A cooperative adoption allows for some continuing post-adoption contact. This usually involves a nominal offering of information about the child and/or the exchange of cards, letters and photos. Less frequently, personal visits may be permitted on special occasions. It may make sense when the birth parent fears giving up all future connection with her child.
A Middle School teacher began the following story and asked his students to make up an ending: One child’s story finished very differently.
“My pre-teen-age boys get into fights regularly,” complained one foster parent. “It’s hard to stop them. My caseworker warns me against punishment. Help!”
The strongest material you can have in advocating for your foster child is a well-documented daily journal. Keeping a daily journal assists you when reporting to the Child Welfare Department or advocating for your foster child at case conferences and at court hearings, especially adoption. When opinions are divided, your journal provides you with reasons and documentation for your views.
Whatever happened to the old adage: “Experience is the best teacher”? Most would agree that is true. So why the heavy reliance on agency-run workshops or classes for foster parent training? Parenting can be learned and improved in several ways.
For too many people, discipline is equated with punishment. This creates a special problem for foster children who have already suffered from abuse and neglect. In actual fact, punishment is a rather ineffective method for obtaining compliance. There are other methods that work better. Here are a few ideas.
Many different subsidies are available for Indiana foster parents who wish to adopt. They include continuing your monthly payments, providing health insurance, reimbursing you for some of your adoption expenses, a federal income tax credit, and help with college tuition. Your new child is entitled to all the financial support that is offered.
My mother’s wrote: “We raised twelve children, both ‘homemade’ and adopted. People often ask me how I did it. But then I met Ralph. Ralph is the one who makes me ask, ‘How do you do it?’”
I want to share Carol Lynn Pearson’s moving poem on adoption.
You may have been thinking about adoption. How does a family go about making that decision? Like marriage, adoption involves a lifetime commitment. Not a step to take lightly.
Here are a few thoughts about when and why foster parents might benefit from legal help.
My admiration for what foster and adoptive parents do is boundless. I am honored to be their attorney. They have tackled the toughest job I can imagine, offering their home to already damaged youngsters who may well take out their misdirected anger on the “new” parents.
The Kenny Law Blog will offer a brief twice-monthly comment on issues of interest to foster parents, especially those who are considering adoption.
Whatever
February 23, 2021What a wonderful way to silently greet your new foster child over the first few weeks. "Whatever!" Plan to observe and listen. Without expectations. See what develops, what happens. Open your heart. Accept him or her for who your new child appears to be at this moment. Don’t expect anything. He may respond to your love with resentment. Love him anyway. He may react to your encouragement with passivity. Encourage him anyway. He may lie and steal. Fix the problem, not the blame. Protect yourself and your possessions. Be patient. If he steals from you, check his room for any pilfered items. Frisk him and his bags before he leaves the house. If he lies to you, double-check his word. If he frustrates you with passivity, set firm deadlines and enforce them. Evaluate the behavior rather than the person. Don’t judge. Judging assumes you are dealing with a bad person. Let God decide that. Your job is to deal with the behavior. Blaming often cements bad behavior by providing valued attention. Nothing interferes with our relationships more than our tendency to judge one another. That’s what prejudice is - Pre-judging. Instead, separate what he does from who he is. Of course, you must protect your property and person by dealing with any misbehavior abruptly and impersonally. On the other hand, enjoy the good moments. But avoid starting off on the wrong foot with your new foster child by expecting him or her to respond to your loving care with gratitude. Take what comes, and let your child grow in appreciation of her or his new home.read moreWhatever
February 23, 2021What a wonderful way to silently greet your new foster child over the first few weeks. "Whatever!" Plan to observe and listen. Without expectations. See what develops, what happens. Open your heart. Accept him or her for who your new child appears to be at this moment. Don’t expect anything. He may respond to your love with resentment. Love him anyway. He may react to your encouragement with passivity. Encourage him anyway. He may lie and steal. Fix the problem, not the blame. Protect yourself and your possessions. Be patient. If he steals from you, check his room for any pilfered items. Frisk him and his bags before he leaves the house. If he lies to you, double-check his word. If he frustrates you with passivity, set firm deadlines and enforce them. Evaluate the behavior rather than the person. Don’t judge. Judging assumes you are dealing with a bad person. Let God decide that. Your job is to deal with the behavior. Blaming often cements bad behavior by providing valued attention. Nothing interferes with our relationships more than our tendency to judge one another. That’s what prejudice is - Pre-judging. Instead, separate what he does from who he is. Of course, you must protect your property and person by dealing with any misbehavior abruptly and impersonally. On the other hand, enjoy the good moments. But avoid starting off on the wrong foot with your new foster child by expecting him or her to respond to your loving care with gratitude. Take what comes, and let your child grow in appreciation of her or his new home.read moreBedwetter at Five
February 9, 2021“We’ve had our five-year-old foster son for over a year now and we were planning to adopt him. All was well until two months ago when he began to wet the bed nightly. Trying to be understanding, we began by waking him regularly to use the bathroom. Lately we have started to withhold sweets and privileges. Nothing seems to work.” Don’t take it personally. If all else was going well, he may be unconsciously testing out your love, asking if this will be like the other homes he was in. You can pass that test by treating his enuresis as a common problem that he needs to handle himself. Here is a simple 1-2-3 approach that may help. First, get a plastic sheet to protect your mattress. Then have him strip the wet bed and remake it each morning with a dry sheet. Have him place the wet sheet in a laundry basket to be washed when you have a load ready. Second, treat his problem matter-of-factly. No lecturing. You don’t want to give attention to behavior you are trying to be rid of. Even negative attention, like lectures and punishment, can be rewarding to undesirable behavior. Third, change your emphasis. Instead of paying attention to his bedwetting, focus on his acceptable behavior: dry nights. Reward each night that he stays dry with a small but immediate positive response. Perhaps a food treat. Hugs. High fives all around. Good luck.read moreCultivate Your CASA
January 26, 2021Every Indiana foster child has a case manager, a birth family with possibly concerned relatives, and foster parents. They also have (or should have) a legal advocate. Either a CASA (Court-appointed special advocate) or GAL (Guardian-ad-litem.) Although they undergo training, they are unpaid volunteers, giving of their time, as you do, to serve kids in need. CASAs and GALs are important players. They have legal standing in court. Their role is to advise the judge independently when there is disagreement between the parties. Too often, in the absence of any contact with or feedback from the foster parents, they may be apt to go along with the case manager. Don’t let that happen automatically. Having support from your child’s CASA can be very important. Especially if you and your case manager end up disagreeing. CASAs make recommendations to the judge. Get along with your CASA. To get along, you must continue to be in contact. Your CASA needs to know about the child in your care. If you don’t know who she or he is, find out. Ask your case manager, the court secretary, or your attorney. Then keep your CASA informed. Send him or her copies of any regular reports that you send to the DCS. Send your CASA a memo of any meetings you have with your case manager. A well-informed CASA can be a resource, or even an advocate for you and your child. Ask for practical information about procedures. Or help in dealing with your child’s problems at school. Invite your CASA for a home visit at a time when your child will be present. After school. Or even for supper. Sharing a meal together is a wonderful way to offer pertinent information and make connections. Be honest. Don’t be shy about having problems or asking for help. Everyone has problems with their children, and especially foster parents. Asking someone for help is a good way to make a friend. CASAs and GALs can play an important role in your child’s quest for a permanent home. Keep them up to date.read more