Peter A. Kenny's
Adoption and Foster Care Law Blog
Here, I write about foster parenting and legal issues related to foster care and adoption.
New posts come twice a month.
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Ideas from an attorney and a psychologist on how to raise foster and adopted children
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My 18-year-old adopted son will be graduating from high school in the Spring. I want him to apply to college and receive an education. He wants to get a job. Help.
The fact that he is adopted should make no difference. You should respond the same way you would if he were your birth child. But before you do, here are a few things you might consider.
Prevention by reining in a teen’s time away from home late at night is a good parental strategy. It is important to know where your youngsters are, especially later at night. Especially for teens when the odds go up for car crashes, sex, and other life-changing events.
Attorney Peter Kenny announces the publication of his third book: Making a Difference: Foster Care and Adoption. His book contains over 70 single-page topics, all of which are of major interest to foster and adoptive parents. The book is inspiring, and practical, a quick and easy read.
By Mary Kenny
I am so unfulfilled I have a house a car a job a loving spouse But I have no child. I need a child- I need a child so I can grow- Maybe I should adopt. *** I am so blessed I have a home a car a job a loving spouse But I have no child. I have so much to share. I need to help a child- Help a child to grow- Maybe I should adopt.
Foster parents, like other people, learn best from experience. Which means that those new to fostering are at a disadvantage. Even if they have already raised children of their own, Foster parenting presents some unique challenges.
A friend of mine complained that his eleven- and thirteen-year-old foster sons frequently spiced their talk with crude sexual and violent words.
Your new foster child appears at your door, frequently with nothing more than bare essentials.
To raise consciousness about how a child feels at that moment, here is a memorable exercise that has been used during foster parent training. To begin, the leader asks you to write down on five separate slips of paper the five things you value most.
Five-year-olds and up are capable of learning and performing several household chores.
"We have had our five-year-old foster daughter for six months and are hoping to adopt her. She causes no trouble but is like a shy little mouse with few words and big eyes. How can we break through and communicate with her?"
Frequently at foster parent gatherings the organizers will trot out a young man or woman who grew up in foster care and is now educated and successful in a career as a teacher, writer, or in another productive field. This child would be a high achiever in any field, but remains unusual. Most adopted children, like all developing youngsters, are works in progress.
“We have had our foster child for almost two years and nothing seems to be happening. Mother makes a little progress and then relapses. How long will this go on? When does the state give up on reunification and look for another permanent home?”
“Constantly in motion. That’s our first-grader, Jonny. If I can get him to stop for a minute, he stays poised on the edge of his seat, ready to run off as soon as I say okay….His mind is just as undisciplined, jumping from one thought to another. Homework time is a nightmare. His doctor prescribed medication to calm him without much success. Any ideas?”
One simple and meaningful way to get to know your foster/adopted child is to help him or her collect their history in pictures and stories in their own homemade personal book. Whether you are able to adopt the child or not, a picture-story book will become a treasure for a child who lacks “possessions.”
The child fares better when foster parents and the birth parent can get along. Mutual distrust and hostility, often based on a lack of information, serve no one. You don’t have to agree with one another. But foster parents do need to withhold judgment. And show courtesy and respect for the person.
To paraphrase the former Peace Corps slogan, foster parenting is the toughest job you’ll ever love. You have chosen a difficult path. Instead of a big cheering section, you are likely to face problems, and even be blamed unfairly when things go wrong.
We were attending Grandparents’ Day at the elementary school of our youngest grandchildren. Several of the children were showing pictures of themselves as babies being held and admired by their grandparents. “I don’t have any baby pictures,” my young granddaughter said matter-of-factly. “I don’t know what I looked like when I was a baby.”
Why older foster children think teen adoption is a great idea:
“As a football coach, I always had to be ready to overcome unexpected challenges. With injuries, crowd noise, and especially weather, the game plan is always adjusting to adversity.”
My father, Dr. Jim Kenny, wrote the following article on how he felt about being the adoptive father of my brother and three sisters.
In my last blog entry, I asked you to imagine welcoming your new ten-year-old foster son. He certainly feels alone and scared and may express that by acting cocksure, or more likely quiet and reserved at first. From a psychologist who was also a foster parent, here are a few hints on how you might respond.
Imagine your new foster son has just come in the door. His name is Eric, he is ten years old, and is clutching a paper sack holding everything he owns. Not much. You greet him warmly and tell him he is welcome. But you don’t really know him. All you have to go by are your expectations. Here are a few thoughts you might consider.
Caseworkers and DCS conferences do not have the final word about removal, placement, and possible adoption of Indiana children in foster care. Courts are where these ultimate decisions are made. Foster parents have rights to be heard in court.
My father, Dr. Jim Kenny, with the help of an artist from Stone Belt in Indiana, recently wrote a children’s story about a little monkey who loses both parents and begins searching the jungle, looking for them. After many adventures, he discovers a family of chimpanzees who offer him a permanent home. Little Lost Monkey is a foster-to-adopt story.
Here is our definition which has been used to support adoption in many courts throughout the US: “Bonding is a significant reciprocal attachment which both parties want and expect to continue, and is interrupted at peril to the parties involved.” Interrupted bonding is strongly correlated with adult mental illness, crime, poverty, and homelessness. Bonding can be demonstrated by 24/7the amount of time spent together, by community support, and by statements from the parties involved.
A cooperative adoption allows for some continuing post-adoption contact. This usually involves a nominal offering of information about the child and/or the exchange of cards, letters and photos. Less frequently, personal visits may be permitted on special occasions. It may make sense when the birth parent fears giving up all future connection with her child.
A Middle School teacher began the following story and asked his students to make up an ending: One child’s story finished very differently.
“My pre-teen-age boys get into fights regularly,” complained one foster parent. “It’s hard to stop them. My caseworker warns me against punishment. Help!”
The strongest material you can have in advocating for your foster child is a well-documented daily journal. Keeping a daily journal assists you when reporting to the Child Welfare Department or advocating for your foster child at case conferences and at court hearings, especially adoption. When opinions are divided, your journal provides you with reasons and documentation for your views.
Whatever happened to the old adage: “Experience is the best teacher”? Most would agree that is true. So why the heavy reliance on agency-run workshops or classes for foster parent training? Parenting can be learned and improved in several ways.
For too many people, discipline is equated with punishment. This creates a special problem for foster children who have already suffered from abuse and neglect. In actual fact, punishment is a rather ineffective method for obtaining compliance. There are other methods that work better. Here are a few ideas.
Many different subsidies are available for Indiana foster parents who wish to adopt. They include continuing your monthly payments, providing health insurance, reimbursing you for some of your adoption expenses, a federal income tax credit, and help with college tuition. Your new child is entitled to all the financial support that is offered.
My mother’s wrote: “We raised twelve children, both ‘homemade’ and adopted. People often ask me how I did it. But then I met Ralph. Ralph is the one who makes me ask, ‘How do you do it?’”
I want to share Carol Lynn Pearson’s moving poem on adoption.
You may have been thinking about adoption. How does a family go about making that decision? Like marriage, adoption involves a lifetime commitment. Not a step to take lightly.
Here are a few thoughts about when and why foster parents might benefit from legal help.
My admiration for what foster and adoptive parents do is boundless. I am honored to be their attorney. They have tackled the toughest job I can imagine, offering their home to already damaged youngsters who may well take out their misdirected anger on the “new” parents.
The Kenny Law Blog will offer a brief twice-monthly comment on issues of interest to foster parents, especially those who are considering adoption.
Know Your Case Manager
January 12, 2021Your case manager has legal control of the child in your care. As a foster parent, it is very important for you to get along. Whether you like each other or not, cooperation is vital as you plan a future for the child. Here are a few suggestions to help you work together. When you speak to each other for the first time, try to find something in common. Perhaps there is someone you both know, or you share a hobby. You may live in the same neighborhood or have gone to the same school. A personal connection will help ease the way around later disagreements. Getting along does not mean silence on your part. In fact, just the opposite. Email or call her regularly, even weekly. If she is not available, leave a brief progress report about your child. Tell in a few words about his or her eating and sleeping, his school performance, her attitude and behavior and any progress or problems. Regular reporting on your child’s well-being need not require an answer from your case manager. You don’t want to be a nuisance. A regular report simply documents your interest in the child, especially if you wish to adopt. Don’t be a constant complainer. If you have a problem or a request, get to the point. If you feel some action is required, tell your case manager what you want done and why. Briefly. If she says no, avoid arguments. Remember, she is busy, and she is in charge. Better to cut your losses early and keep the channels open. Avoid critiquing or blaming your case manager. Do not confront her. That only makes eventual agreement more difficult. For things to work out smoothly, a good simple approach is to try not to begin a sentence with the second person pronoun (YOU.) Instead, consider beginning your request with an I-message. Use the first-person pronoun. Approach the subject by stating your own position. “I can’t leave my other children and drive him to his weekly visits with her birth mother”….“I think she needs a new therapist”….“We need to find another daycare.” I-messages avoid the negative implication of dictating or judging the other person’s position. Disagreements can be more easily resolved if both parties state at the start what they want or think should happen. Keep in mind that you both have the same long-term objective: To find the best permanent home for the child in your care. Above all else, the child’s welfare is the most desired and important outcome.read moreLegal Rights for Indiana Foster Parents
December 29, 2020Indiana foster parents have many legal rights to assist in caring for their wards. Know your rights and use them when appropriate. Here are the more important ones: To be notified of all case conferences involving your foster child at least two days in advance. To call a case conference and to participate in discussing the rehabilitation of your child and his birth parents, setting visitation arrangements, and helping identify services to meet the special needs of your child. To be represented by an attorney of your choosing. To be notified at least seven days ahead of all court hearings involving your foster child, including date, time, place, and purpose. To be heard in all court hearings and to make recommendations. In a Dispositional Hearing, you are granted the additional right to dispute any part of the predispositional report already in evidence. In a Periodic Review and Permanency Hearing, the additional rights to submit a written statement, to present oral testimony, and to cross-examine witnesses. In a Termination of Parental Rights case, the additional right to submit a written statement. To petition to intervene as a full party in court proceedings. Without status as a party, you cannot normally request a court hearing or offer your own witnesses. A new Indiana law (2019) gives foster parents who have had the child for at least 12 months the right to request a court hearing before a child is removed from their home without their consent. This right can be found in Chapter 6, Section 4 of the current DCS Policy Manual. The above rights are primarily contained in the IC 31-34… sections of the Indiana code. My advice to foster parents: Know the outcome you want. Then work with your attorney to use the appropriate legislation to proceed in case conferencing or in court.read moreThe Best Resource: Each Other
December 15, 2020Foster parents offer a special community of know-how and support. Thanks to the internet and Facebook, Indiana foster parents have a statewide resource, the Indiana Foster and Adoptive Parents group. On IFAAP, with its nearly 10,000 members, our state foster and adoptive parents can communicate back and forth regularly with one another on a large variety of practical and parenting issues. Family get-togethers can be planned. These can lead to shared childcare and sleepovers allowing foster and adoptive kids to meet and play with one another. Birthdays and adoptions can be celebrated. Families can fill in for one another, offering respite care, a night out, a chance to recoup. Clothes for boys and girls can be exchanged as they are outgrown. Toys can be passed on from one family to another. Foster families can share their expertise on practical matters, like help with DCS paperwork, filling out forms, and where to obtain necessary documentation and certificates. They have used and know the local resources. They can help one another locate the best daycare and after-school activities. They can share their experiences finding good medical care and a knowledgeable attorney. Having faced most behavior problems, foster families can provide suggestions on what works and what doesn’t. They offer a variety of information on issues like the uncommunicative child, lying, hoarding food, stealing, hyperactivity, and much more. If you are an Indiana foster or adoptive parent and wish to join the IFAAP group, you may contact them by emailing [email protected] or by calling 812-605-1341.read morePay Attention to Behavior You Want
December 1, 2020“What’s wrong with that kid. The more I get after him, the worse he, he gets. He’s just behaving badly to get attention….” Of course he is. Why do any of us behave the way we do? We all want to be recognized. The mistake most of us make is failing to recognize that negative attention is valued almost as much as positive time and praise. If there were only one simple rule for discipline, it would be this: You get more of whatever you notice. Too many of us choose the LYP method of discipline (Lecture-Yell-Punish). We spend most of our time and focus on correcting the behavior we wish would stop. Unfortunately, this often has the opposite effect. Despite our critical words and punishments, it ends up rewarding the very behaviors we are seeking to eliminate. We need the misbehavior to stop. A better approach is to ignore the “bad” and focus on the good behavior. If he wets the bed, reward him for “dry” nights. If he uses bad language, reward him each day or half-day that he does not use toilet talk or sex words. If he fights with his siblings, you might reward him for time periods free of fighting. If you want him to study, don’t lecture him. Instead, provide time and attention when he does. In addition to your time and attention, you might provide a system that offers a small tangible reward. Find out what he wants. Free time? Time to play games on his cellphone? Token amounts of money? Food treats? Bonus points to be saved for a bigger prize? A later curfew or bedtime? Lying and stealing are slightly more complicated. Still, skip the criticism and ignore the bad behavior. At the same time, you must protect yourself from the consequences. If he lies, you can no longer accept his word. Double-check everything. If he steals from you, search his room for missing valuables. Frisk him before he leaves your home. Ignoring is a powerful way to get rid of undesirable behavior. It is so simple. PAY attention to behavior you value rather than actions you wish to discourage. Ignoring is not doing nothing. If you ignore me, I will go away.read more