Peter A. Kenny's
Adoption and Foster Care Law Blog
Here, I write about foster parenting and legal issues related to foster care and adoption.
New posts come twice a month.
Articles by Category
I have dozens of articles, so please select the category you find most interesting.
Ideas from an attorney and a psychologist on how to raise foster and adopted children
Subscribe by Email
Get news on foster parenting and legal issues related to foster care and adoption.
Sent twice a month. Free of charge.
Complete List of Articles
My 18-year-old adopted son will be graduating from high school in the Spring. I want him to apply to college and receive an education. He wants to get a job. Help.
The fact that he is adopted should make no difference. You should respond the same way you would if he were your birth child. But before you do, here are a few things you might consider.
Prevention by reining in a teen’s time away from home late at night is a good parental strategy. It is important to know where your youngsters are, especially later at night. Especially for teens when the odds go up for car crashes, sex, and other life-changing events.
Attorney Peter Kenny announces the publication of his third book: Making a Difference: Foster Care and Adoption. His book contains over 70 single-page topics, all of which are of major interest to foster and adoptive parents. The book is inspiring, and practical, a quick and easy read.
By Mary Kenny
I am so unfulfilled I have a house a car a job a loving spouse But I have no child. I need a child- I need a child so I can grow- Maybe I should adopt. *** I am so blessed I have a home a car a job a loving spouse But I have no child. I have so much to share. I need to help a child- Help a child to grow- Maybe I should adopt.
Foster parents, like other people, learn best from experience. Which means that those new to fostering are at a disadvantage. Even if they have already raised children of their own, Foster parenting presents some unique challenges.
A friend of mine complained that his eleven- and thirteen-year-old foster sons frequently spiced their talk with crude sexual and violent words.
Your new foster child appears at your door, frequently with nothing more than bare essentials.
To raise consciousness about how a child feels at that moment, here is a memorable exercise that has been used during foster parent training. To begin, the leader asks you to write down on five separate slips of paper the five things you value most.
Five-year-olds and up are capable of learning and performing several household chores.
"We have had our five-year-old foster daughter for six months and are hoping to adopt her. She causes no trouble but is like a shy little mouse with few words and big eyes. How can we break through and communicate with her?"
Frequently at foster parent gatherings the organizers will trot out a young man or woman who grew up in foster care and is now educated and successful in a career as a teacher, writer, or in another productive field. This child would be a high achiever in any field, but remains unusual. Most adopted children, like all developing youngsters, are works in progress.
“We have had our foster child for almost two years and nothing seems to be happening. Mother makes a little progress and then relapses. How long will this go on? When does the state give up on reunification and look for another permanent home?”
“Constantly in motion. That’s our first-grader, Jonny. If I can get him to stop for a minute, he stays poised on the edge of his seat, ready to run off as soon as I say okay….His mind is just as undisciplined, jumping from one thought to another. Homework time is a nightmare. His doctor prescribed medication to calm him without much success. Any ideas?”
One simple and meaningful way to get to know your foster/adopted child is to help him or her collect their history in pictures and stories in their own homemade personal book. Whether you are able to adopt the child or not, a picture-story book will become a treasure for a child who lacks “possessions.”
The child fares better when foster parents and the birth parent can get along. Mutual distrust and hostility, often based on a lack of information, serve no one. You don’t have to agree with one another. But foster parents do need to withhold judgment. And show courtesy and respect for the person.
To paraphrase the former Peace Corps slogan, foster parenting is the toughest job you’ll ever love. You have chosen a difficult path. Instead of a big cheering section, you are likely to face problems, and even be blamed unfairly when things go wrong.
We were attending Grandparents’ Day at the elementary school of our youngest grandchildren. Several of the children were showing pictures of themselves as babies being held and admired by their grandparents. “I don’t have any baby pictures,” my young granddaughter said matter-of-factly. “I don’t know what I looked like when I was a baby.”
Why older foster children think teen adoption is a great idea:
“As a football coach, I always had to be ready to overcome unexpected challenges. With injuries, crowd noise, and especially weather, the game plan is always adjusting to adversity.”
My father, Dr. Jim Kenny, wrote the following article on how he felt about being the adoptive father of my brother and three sisters.
In my last blog entry, I asked you to imagine welcoming your new ten-year-old foster son. He certainly feels alone and scared and may express that by acting cocksure, or more likely quiet and reserved at first. From a psychologist who was also a foster parent, here are a few hints on how you might respond.
Imagine your new foster son has just come in the door. His name is Eric, he is ten years old, and is clutching a paper sack holding everything he owns. Not much. You greet him warmly and tell him he is welcome. But you don’t really know him. All you have to go by are your expectations. Here are a few thoughts you might consider.
Caseworkers and DCS conferences do not have the final word about removal, placement, and possible adoption of Indiana children in foster care. Courts are where these ultimate decisions are made. Foster parents have rights to be heard in court.
My father, Dr. Jim Kenny, with the help of an artist from Stone Belt in Indiana, recently wrote a children’s story about a little monkey who loses both parents and begins searching the jungle, looking for them. After many adventures, he discovers a family of chimpanzees who offer him a permanent home. Little Lost Monkey is a foster-to-adopt story.
Here is our definition which has been used to support adoption in many courts throughout the US: “Bonding is a significant reciprocal attachment which both parties want and expect to continue, and is interrupted at peril to the parties involved.” Interrupted bonding is strongly correlated with adult mental illness, crime, poverty, and homelessness. Bonding can be demonstrated by 24/7the amount of time spent together, by community support, and by statements from the parties involved.
A cooperative adoption allows for some continuing post-adoption contact. This usually involves a nominal offering of information about the child and/or the exchange of cards, letters and photos. Less frequently, personal visits may be permitted on special occasions. It may make sense when the birth parent fears giving up all future connection with her child.
A Middle School teacher began the following story and asked his students to make up an ending: One child’s story finished very differently.
“My pre-teen-age boys get into fights regularly,” complained one foster parent. “It’s hard to stop them. My caseworker warns me against punishment. Help!”
The strongest material you can have in advocating for your foster child is a well-documented daily journal. Keeping a daily journal assists you when reporting to the Child Welfare Department or advocating for your foster child at case conferences and at court hearings, especially adoption. When opinions are divided, your journal provides you with reasons and documentation for your views.
Whatever happened to the old adage: “Experience is the best teacher”? Most would agree that is true. So why the heavy reliance on agency-run workshops or classes for foster parent training? Parenting can be learned and improved in several ways.
For too many people, discipline is equated with punishment. This creates a special problem for foster children who have already suffered from abuse and neglect. In actual fact, punishment is a rather ineffective method for obtaining compliance. There are other methods that work better. Here are a few ideas.
Many different subsidies are available for Indiana foster parents who wish to adopt. They include continuing your monthly payments, providing health insurance, reimbursing you for some of your adoption expenses, a federal income tax credit, and help with college tuition. Your new child is entitled to all the financial support that is offered.
My mother’s wrote: “We raised twelve children, both ‘homemade’ and adopted. People often ask me how I did it. But then I met Ralph. Ralph is the one who makes me ask, ‘How do you do it?’”
I want to share Carol Lynn Pearson’s moving poem on adoption.
You may have been thinking about adoption. How does a family go about making that decision? Like marriage, adoption involves a lifetime commitment. Not a step to take lightly.
Here are a few thoughts about when and why foster parents might benefit from legal help.
My admiration for what foster and adoptive parents do is boundless. I am honored to be their attorney. They have tackled the toughest job I can imagine, offering their home to already damaged youngsters who may well take out their misdirected anger on the “new” parents.
The Kenny Law Blog will offer a brief twice-monthly comment on issues of interest to foster parents, especially those who are considering adoption.
The Non-responsive Child
August 14, 2018“We have had our five-year-old foster daughter for six months and are hoping to adopt her. She causes no trouble but is like a shy little mouse with few words and big eyes. How can we break through and communicate with her?”
A wonderful question about the attitude of many foster children. As parents, we are baffled by the quiet ones. What are they thinking? Are they scared? Sullen? Overcompliant? Being careful? They won’t tell us.
Here are a few hints to reach past that wall. Most important, you need to start where she is, not with what you would like her to be and do. Try using her less-verbal method of communication.
Listen with your third ear. Observe what appears to interest her. Sit with her while she watches TV or listens to music. Invite her to sing you a favorite song. Ask her to show you how to play her digital games. Play games with her that she selects.
Do things with her. Common tasks are a good way to communicate without the need for many words. Eat and do chores together. Perhaps she can set the table for dinner. Pick up and clean a room with her. Share an exercise routine with her. Welcome any innovations she suggests to the routines.
Take advantage of moments with emotional overtones. Pets provide many opportunities for loving physical contact. Don’t be afraid to show your own positive and upset feelings. It’s okay for adults to laugh and jump for joy at a happy surprise. And to cry when sad or hurt.
Even shy passive children misbehave, most often by delaying or failing to perform a task. Avoid lecturing and discipline that punishes or isolates her. Instead, get the task done with minimum fuss. If after being told several times, she fails to bathe or dress herself, do it for her. If she does not come when called, go and collect her. Nagging takes time and provides too much attention for the behavior you are trying to correct.
And finally, bedtime offers a rare private moment to be together. Read your daughter a story. Let her pick. Or tell her one from your own childhood.
read moreThe Exception Proves the Rule
July 31, 2018Frequently at foster parent gatherings the organizers will trot out a young man or woman who grew up in foster care and is now educated and successful in a career as a teacher, writer, or in another productive field.
Like Jackie Robinson breaking the color barrier in baseball, this poster child has beaten the odds. The fact that we introduce him at all indicated that this is an unusual person. And to become this unusual person, like Jackie Robinson, the foster child needed extraordinary talent, tremendous drive, and a good bit of luck. Rarely do all those elements come together in one person. For most in similar situations, whether a young black baseball player in the 1940s or foster children at any time, the cards are so thoroughly stacked against them that their best effort will not bring them success in their field of choice, but only setbacks and discouragement. The exception proves the rule.
Much more common is the difficult child, a work in process. He or she needs constant encouragement, monitoring, second chances, protection from life-changing mistakes, the freedom to make small ones.
Shuffled and shunted from home to home
Often passed along by time to graduation into independent living
Their feelings flatlined and neutered by society’s unconcern
No surprise that they strike back in dispassionate anger
Offending a society that has not befriended them
Foster parents need patience and consistency. Go slow. Accept small gains. Don’t expect miracles. Like nursing a stunted plant or a bedraggled flower to health, look forward to the joy of restoring harmony to a life adrift without a base.
read moreThe Termination of Parental Rights
July 17, 2018“We have had our foster child for almost two years and nothing seems to be happening. Mother makes a little progress and then relapses. How long will this go on? When does the state give up on reunification and look for another permanent home?”
A good question, one that concerns many of us. While there are strong understandable reasons to maintain the birth family if it all possible, at some point, the child’s right to grow up in a permanent home becomes primary. The federal Adoption and Safe families Act (ASFA, 1997) has set some wise deadlines based on child development studies. In order to receive federal funding, state laws must generally follow suit.
Reunification is the first choice but another permanency plan can be substituted as early as three months in unusually negative circumstances. At the other end, in the words of a former Indiana Child Welfare Director, “One year is a long time in the life of a child. In third grade, it’s a long time till lunch.” The state is required to file for a termination of parental rights (TPR) after the child has been in temporary care for 12 months, or 15 of the past 22 months.
Foster children in Indiana spend an average of 20 months in foster care. Our average is well above the maximum time that research suggests is safe for any child to spend in temporary care. Why so long?
I could give many reasons for the delay, beginning with a shortage of caseworkers to enforce the law. Add to that, a tendency to give birth mother time initially to work out problems on her own. Underlying this is a strong bias that a genetic parent always has a prior right, that the child “belongs” to the parent. The legal timelines are there to protect the right of a developing child to placement in a safe and permanent home within “child time.”
The best strategy to shorten time in foster care is for the Department of Child Services (DCS) to start immediately. They can have a reunification plan within 24 hours of removing the child. It’s not complicated. The plan should state clearly the reasons for removal and counter them with practical remedies. Then monitor compliance weekly. Everyone benefits. Mother knows immediately what she has to do to get her child back. And DCS knows sooner rather than later whether the plan is working. Childhood is too short to delay.
How can foster parents help? By being aware of the timelines and working together with the caseworkers, CASAs, and court system to move things along.
read moreHandling the Non-stop Child
July 17, 2018“Constantly in motion. That’s our first-grader, Jonny. If I can get him to stop for a minute, he stays poised on the edge of his seat, ready to run off as soon as I say okay….His mind is just as undisciplined, jumping from one thought to another. Homework time is a nightmare. His doctor prescribed medication to calm him without much success. Any ideas?”
Yes. Consider turning a negative into a positive. Think of energy as a gift. Stop telling him to sit still. He can’t. Instead, go with what seems to propel him.
Encourage high-energy activities like fast walking, bike riding, soccer, dancing, and tumbling. Run and exercise with him. Copy exercise routines off the internet. Make a game of running and push-ups. Offer small token prizes like pennies, points, or M&Ms or for his physical achievements.
Involve him with physical household chores. Possibilities include walking the dog, helping a parent clean house or with a large repair job, sorting recyclables before taking out the trash, and similar tasks.
Focus on short time-limited segments in doing his homework. Reward him for each small unit completed. Let him stand and talk and walk around while completing work for school if he wants to. I had a physician friend who ran marathons who was known for his advice: “Never trust an idea you get while sitting down.” Motion makes our brains function better.
WebMD recommends that children with restless energy get at least 60 minutes of moderate to intense exercise every day. Not only is physical activity helpful in burning off steam, but it releases the same neurotransmitters that are contained in drugs used to treat ADHD. Exercise can help the child’s body learn to cope with distracting thoughts and impulsive behavior.
Children who suffer from hyperactivity and problems with concentration who exercised regularly performed better on tests of attention and had less impulsivity, even without medication. Numerous research studies have confirmed these findings.
read more