Peter A. Kenny's
Adoption and Foster Care Law Blog
Here, I write about foster parenting and legal issues related to foster care and adoption.
New posts come twice a month.
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Ideas from an attorney and a psychologist on how to raise foster and adopted children
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My 18-year-old adopted son will be graduating from high school in the Spring. I want him to apply to college and receive an education. He wants to get a job. Help.
The fact that he is adopted should make no difference. You should respond the same way you would if he were your birth child. But before you do, here are a few things you might consider.
Prevention by reining in a teen’s time away from home late at night is a good parental strategy. It is important to know where your youngsters are, especially later at night. Especially for teens when the odds go up for car crashes, sex, and other life-changing events.
Attorney Peter Kenny announces the publication of his third book: Making a Difference: Foster Care and Adoption. His book contains over 70 single-page topics, all of which are of major interest to foster and adoptive parents. The book is inspiring, and practical, a quick and easy read.
By Mary Kenny
I am so unfulfilled I have a house a car a job a loving spouse But I have no child. I need a child- I need a child so I can grow- Maybe I should adopt. *** I am so blessed I have a home a car a job a loving spouse But I have no child. I have so much to share. I need to help a child- Help a child to grow- Maybe I should adopt.
Foster parents, like other people, learn best from experience. Which means that those new to fostering are at a disadvantage. Even if they have already raised children of their own, Foster parenting presents some unique challenges.
A friend of mine complained that his eleven- and thirteen-year-old foster sons frequently spiced their talk with crude sexual and violent words.
Your new foster child appears at your door, frequently with nothing more than bare essentials.
To raise consciousness about how a child feels at that moment, here is a memorable exercise that has been used during foster parent training. To begin, the leader asks you to write down on five separate slips of paper the five things you value most.
Five-year-olds and up are capable of learning and performing several household chores.
"We have had our five-year-old foster daughter for six months and are hoping to adopt her. She causes no trouble but is like a shy little mouse with few words and big eyes. How can we break through and communicate with her?"
Frequently at foster parent gatherings the organizers will trot out a young man or woman who grew up in foster care and is now educated and successful in a career as a teacher, writer, or in another productive field. This child would be a high achiever in any field, but remains unusual. Most adopted children, like all developing youngsters, are works in progress.
“We have had our foster child for almost two years and nothing seems to be happening. Mother makes a little progress and then relapses. How long will this go on? When does the state give up on reunification and look for another permanent home?”
“Constantly in motion. That’s our first-grader, Jonny. If I can get him to stop for a minute, he stays poised on the edge of his seat, ready to run off as soon as I say okay….His mind is just as undisciplined, jumping from one thought to another. Homework time is a nightmare. His doctor prescribed medication to calm him without much success. Any ideas?”
One simple and meaningful way to get to know your foster/adopted child is to help him or her collect their history in pictures and stories in their own homemade personal book. Whether you are able to adopt the child or not, a picture-story book will become a treasure for a child who lacks “possessions.”
The child fares better when foster parents and the birth parent can get along. Mutual distrust and hostility, often based on a lack of information, serve no one. You don’t have to agree with one another. But foster parents do need to withhold judgment. And show courtesy and respect for the person.
To paraphrase the former Peace Corps slogan, foster parenting is the toughest job you’ll ever love. You have chosen a difficult path. Instead of a big cheering section, you are likely to face problems, and even be blamed unfairly when things go wrong.
We were attending Grandparents’ Day at the elementary school of our youngest grandchildren. Several of the children were showing pictures of themselves as babies being held and admired by their grandparents. “I don’t have any baby pictures,” my young granddaughter said matter-of-factly. “I don’t know what I looked like when I was a baby.”
Why older foster children think teen adoption is a great idea:
“As a football coach, I always had to be ready to overcome unexpected challenges. With injuries, crowd noise, and especially weather, the game plan is always adjusting to adversity.”
My father, Dr. Jim Kenny, wrote the following article on how he felt about being the adoptive father of my brother and three sisters.
In my last blog entry, I asked you to imagine welcoming your new ten-year-old foster son. He certainly feels alone and scared and may express that by acting cocksure, or more likely quiet and reserved at first. From a psychologist who was also a foster parent, here are a few hints on how you might respond.
Imagine your new foster son has just come in the door. His name is Eric, he is ten years old, and is clutching a paper sack holding everything he owns. Not much. You greet him warmly and tell him he is welcome. But you don’t really know him. All you have to go by are your expectations. Here are a few thoughts you might consider.
Caseworkers and DCS conferences do not have the final word about removal, placement, and possible adoption of Indiana children in foster care. Courts are where these ultimate decisions are made. Foster parents have rights to be heard in court.
My father, Dr. Jim Kenny, with the help of an artist from Stone Belt in Indiana, recently wrote a children’s story about a little monkey who loses both parents and begins searching the jungle, looking for them. After many adventures, he discovers a family of chimpanzees who offer him a permanent home. Little Lost Monkey is a foster-to-adopt story.
Here is our definition which has been used to support adoption in many courts throughout the US: “Bonding is a significant reciprocal attachment which both parties want and expect to continue, and is interrupted at peril to the parties involved.” Interrupted bonding is strongly correlated with adult mental illness, crime, poverty, and homelessness. Bonding can be demonstrated by 24/7the amount of time spent together, by community support, and by statements from the parties involved.
A cooperative adoption allows for some continuing post-adoption contact. This usually involves a nominal offering of information about the child and/or the exchange of cards, letters and photos. Less frequently, personal visits may be permitted on special occasions. It may make sense when the birth parent fears giving up all future connection with her child.
A Middle School teacher began the following story and asked his students to make up an ending: One child’s story finished very differently.
“My pre-teen-age boys get into fights regularly,” complained one foster parent. “It’s hard to stop them. My caseworker warns me against punishment. Help!”
The strongest material you can have in advocating for your foster child is a well-documented daily journal. Keeping a daily journal assists you when reporting to the Child Welfare Department or advocating for your foster child at case conferences and at court hearings, especially adoption. When opinions are divided, your journal provides you with reasons and documentation for your views.
Whatever happened to the old adage: “Experience is the best teacher”? Most would agree that is true. So why the heavy reliance on agency-run workshops or classes for foster parent training? Parenting can be learned and improved in several ways.
For too many people, discipline is equated with punishment. This creates a special problem for foster children who have already suffered from abuse and neglect. In actual fact, punishment is a rather ineffective method for obtaining compliance. There are other methods that work better. Here are a few ideas.
Many different subsidies are available for Indiana foster parents who wish to adopt. They include continuing your monthly payments, providing health insurance, reimbursing you for some of your adoption expenses, a federal income tax credit, and help with college tuition. Your new child is entitled to all the financial support that is offered.
My mother’s wrote: “We raised twelve children, both ‘homemade’ and adopted. People often ask me how I did it. But then I met Ralph. Ralph is the one who makes me ask, ‘How do you do it?’”
I want to share Carol Lynn Pearson’s moving poem on adoption.
You may have been thinking about adoption. How does a family go about making that decision? Like marriage, adoption involves a lifetime commitment. Not a step to take lightly.
Here are a few thoughts about when and why foster parents might benefit from legal help.
My admiration for what foster and adoptive parents do is boundless. I am honored to be their attorney. They have tackled the toughest job I can imagine, offering their home to already damaged youngsters who may well take out their misdirected anger on the “new” parents.
The Kenny Law Blog will offer a brief twice-monthly comment on issues of interest to foster parents, especially those who are considering adoption.
Ten Good Reasons to Adopt a Teen
May 8, 2018Why older foster children think teen adoption is a great idea:
- No formula, diapers, bottles, or burp rags are required.
- We sleep through the night—even if our parents won’t.
- We will be ready to move out sooner. But we will always come home to visit.
- We can program your cell phone and VCR and help run your computer.
- We will keep you up to date with the latest trends and fashions.
- Once we get our permits, we can drive you to places.
- You don’t just get a child; you get a friend.
- We can pick up after ourselves and do our laundry.
- We will teach you to be more patient, understanding, kind, and empathetic.
- We all need someone to share our life dreams, achievements, and holidays with.
(Adapted from: You Gotta Believe!)
Click to see children waiting to be adopted in Indiana (source: state of Indiana)
read moreTony Dungy on Adoption
April 24, 2018“As a football coach, I always had to be ready to overcome unexpected challenges. With injuries, crowd noise, and especially weather, the game plan is always adjusting to adversity.
November was National Adoption Month, and I hope this spirit remains strong in our hearts. Just as many families leaned on neighbors’ hospitality for shelter in the wake of hurricane Irma, many children across the United States are waiting for someone to become their hero through foster care or adoption.
We know that children do better when they feel safe and loved. As adoptive and foster parents, my wife Lauren and I have witnessed the transformative effect of welcoming children into our home.
I am always humbled when former players thank me years later after I coached them. Usually they mention how grateful they were for an opportunity. Though the joy I gained from mentoring young people far outweighs what I can give.
The same is true in fostering and adoption. Being a dad is my best job and my family is the greatest team. If you believe every child deserves a safe, loving home, contact your local child welfare agency about children available in your state.”
Tony Dungy was the head football coach of the Indianapolis Colts from 2002 through 2008. They qualified for the playoffs every year and in 2007, defeated the Chicago Bears in the Super Bowl. More importantly, as he says in his letter, he and his wife are the parents of seven children. This message was adapted from his letter of 11-15-17 to the Tampa Bay Times.
read moreOn Being an Adoptive Dad
April 10, 2018My father, Dr. Jim Kenny, wrote the following piece on my brother and sister for this law blog.
As a mere male, I am not lucky enough to have the equipment to bear a child, and the satisfaction of giving birth. But fortunately, four of our children are adopted. Planning for and seeing my new child for the first time was my male birth experience. I vividly recall “The First Time Ever I Saw your Face.” (Roberta Flach’s hit folk song from the seventies)
Tracy was eight months old when she joined us from the Children’s Home in Germany. We were driving home on the autobahn in our VW beetle from Friedrichshafen to Wiesbaden. We were alone in a blinding blizzard. I was trying to keep my eyes peeled to the road while constantly looking to my right to see our new daughter snuggled tightly in Mary’s lap.
We flew to Quebec City to greet and collect our second daughter. Annie, our new eight-month-old, was sitting in a high chair inside the nursery. I rapped on the nursery window. She rewarded me with an endearing wide-mouth smile which she still flashes 49 years later.
Sharon had been in four foster homes by age 15 months. Mary and I and ten smaller Kennys came to Catholic Charities in Gary to welcome her and take her home. I will never forget her standing there solemnly, holding her caseworker’s hand. Finally, she let go, raising her right arm and fist to give us the black power salute. What a beginning! Many years later, Sharon asked us for the date she was adopted, telling Mary: “I want to celebrate my re-birthday.”
We were taking turns holding four-month-old Matt in church on a weekend trial visit. With us in the pew were our seven sons. In the reading that day, we heard that Samuel was sent by God to the house of Jesse to select a new king to replace Saul. Jesse had seven sons. One by one, Samuel met with them and remained unsatisfied. Finally, he asked if Jesse had any other sons. Jesse pondered, then mentioned a rather insignificant offspring who was out tending the sheep. He was told to summon the outsider, and in walked David, the famous and future king of Israel. I got chills. What a beginning! His name is Matthew David Kenny. Years later, Matt would compare his adoption to winning the lottery.
Our youngest granddaughter was adopted from Indiana foster care at age 6. She has a favorite book which she asks to have read to her over and over. It bears a title which well describes what being an adoptive dad means for me: “I‘ll love you forever. I’ll love you for always. As long as I’m living, my child you’ll be.”
read moreHints on Handling Your New Foster Child
March 27, 2018In my last blog entry, I asked you to imagine welcoming your new ten-year-old foster son. He certainly feels alone and scared and may express that by acting cocksure, or more likely quiet and reserved at first. From a psychologist who was also a foster parent, here are a few hints on how you might respond.
First of all, relax. Take your time to get to know him. He comes with life experiences that shape the way he views the world. That includes you.
You and your new foster son will spend the first few weeks checking out one another. Problem behavior need not be tolerated, but you can correct unacceptable behavior without demeaning his person. Remember, he may already have the idea that he is bad. When correcting him, statements like “I feel bad when…” and “we don’t do that here” are a better way to communicate.
Beginning your complaint with “you…” followed with a statement that assigns personal blame may only reinforce an already poor self-image. Focusing on stopping the problem behavior is a wiser approach than making a judgment about your new young man.
Be careful of overdoing verbal love and praise. He may not understand your intentions and may even become angry. Let your caring and love show by providing food, shelter, and a consistent home life. At the same time, comment when he does something worthwhile.
Start keeping a daily journal. Take a few minutes to jot down incidents of interest. This will be useful in case conferences, in court, and in later preparing a “Life Book” if you wish. This can also help you evaluate your own parenting by taking note of what works and what doesn’t.
Give your son some household task to do. Something simple, like making his bed, picking up his room, caring for a pet, or some other basic chore. Put your expectations on a chart or in writing. Be appreciative but don’t accept poor workmanship.
Finally, while eating, sleeping, living, and playing together, set a good example. Keep your word. Be on time. Don’t use language that he shouldn’t use.
Adjusting to a new family member is always difficult, for both sides. Be patient with him. And with yourself.
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