Peter A. Kenny's
Adoption and Foster Care Law Blog
Here, I write about foster parenting and legal issues related to foster care and adoption.
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My 18-year-old adopted son will be graduating from high school in the Spring. I want him to apply to college and receive an education. He wants to get a job. Help.
The fact that he is adopted should make no difference. You should respond the same way you would if he were your birth child. But before you do, here are a few things you might consider.
Prevention by reining in a teen’s time away from home late at night is a good parental strategy. It is important to know where your youngsters are, especially later at night. Especially for teens when the odds go up for car crashes, sex, and other life-changing events.
Attorney Peter Kenny announces the publication of his third book: Making a Difference: Foster Care and Adoption. His book contains over 70 single-page topics, all of which are of major interest to foster and adoptive parents. The book is inspiring, and practical, a quick and easy read.
By Mary Kenny
I am so unfulfilled I have a house a car a job a loving spouse But I have no child. I need a child- I need a child so I can grow- Maybe I should adopt. *** I am so blessed I have a home a car a job a loving spouse But I have no child. I have so much to share. I need to help a child- Help a child to grow- Maybe I should adopt.
Foster parents, like other people, learn best from experience. Which means that those new to fostering are at a disadvantage. Even if they have already raised children of their own, Foster parenting presents some unique challenges.
A friend of mine complained that his eleven- and thirteen-year-old foster sons frequently spiced their talk with crude sexual and violent words.
Your new foster child appears at your door, frequently with nothing more than bare essentials.
To raise consciousness about how a child feels at that moment, here is a memorable exercise that has been used during foster parent training. To begin, the leader asks you to write down on five separate slips of paper the five things you value most.
Five-year-olds and up are capable of learning and performing several household chores.
"We have had our five-year-old foster daughter for six months and are hoping to adopt her. She causes no trouble but is like a shy little mouse with few words and big eyes. How can we break through and communicate with her?"
Frequently at foster parent gatherings the organizers will trot out a young man or woman who grew up in foster care and is now educated and successful in a career as a teacher, writer, or in another productive field. This child would be a high achiever in any field, but remains unusual. Most adopted children, like all developing youngsters, are works in progress.
“We have had our foster child for almost two years and nothing seems to be happening. Mother makes a little progress and then relapses. How long will this go on? When does the state give up on reunification and look for another permanent home?”
“Constantly in motion. That’s our first-grader, Jonny. If I can get him to stop for a minute, he stays poised on the edge of his seat, ready to run off as soon as I say okay….His mind is just as undisciplined, jumping from one thought to another. Homework time is a nightmare. His doctor prescribed medication to calm him without much success. Any ideas?”
One simple and meaningful way to get to know your foster/adopted child is to help him or her collect their history in pictures and stories in their own homemade personal book. Whether you are able to adopt the child or not, a picture-story book will become a treasure for a child who lacks “possessions.”
The child fares better when foster parents and the birth parent can get along. Mutual distrust and hostility, often based on a lack of information, serve no one. You don’t have to agree with one another. But foster parents do need to withhold judgment. And show courtesy and respect for the person.
To paraphrase the former Peace Corps slogan, foster parenting is the toughest job you’ll ever love. You have chosen a difficult path. Instead of a big cheering section, you are likely to face problems, and even be blamed unfairly when things go wrong.
We were attending Grandparents’ Day at the elementary school of our youngest grandchildren. Several of the children were showing pictures of themselves as babies being held and admired by their grandparents. “I don’t have any baby pictures,” my young granddaughter said matter-of-factly. “I don’t know what I looked like when I was a baby.”
Why older foster children think teen adoption is a great idea:
“As a football coach, I always had to be ready to overcome unexpected challenges. With injuries, crowd noise, and especially weather, the game plan is always adjusting to adversity.”
My father, Dr. Jim Kenny, wrote the following article on how he felt about being the adoptive father of my brother and three sisters.
In my last blog entry, I asked you to imagine welcoming your new ten-year-old foster son. He certainly feels alone and scared and may express that by acting cocksure, or more likely quiet and reserved at first. From a psychologist who was also a foster parent, here are a few hints on how you might respond.
Imagine your new foster son has just come in the door. His name is Eric, he is ten years old, and is clutching a paper sack holding everything he owns. Not much. You greet him warmly and tell him he is welcome. But you don’t really know him. All you have to go by are your expectations. Here are a few thoughts you might consider.
Caseworkers and DCS conferences do not have the final word about removal, placement, and possible adoption of Indiana children in foster care. Courts are where these ultimate decisions are made. Foster parents have rights to be heard in court.
My father, Dr. Jim Kenny, with the help of an artist from Stone Belt in Indiana, recently wrote a children’s story about a little monkey who loses both parents and begins searching the jungle, looking for them. After many adventures, he discovers a family of chimpanzees who offer him a permanent home. Little Lost Monkey is a foster-to-adopt story.
Here is our definition which has been used to support adoption in many courts throughout the US: “Bonding is a significant reciprocal attachment which both parties want and expect to continue, and is interrupted at peril to the parties involved.” Interrupted bonding is strongly correlated with adult mental illness, crime, poverty, and homelessness. Bonding can be demonstrated by 24/7the amount of time spent together, by community support, and by statements from the parties involved.
A cooperative adoption allows for some continuing post-adoption contact. This usually involves a nominal offering of information about the child and/or the exchange of cards, letters and photos. Less frequently, personal visits may be permitted on special occasions. It may make sense when the birth parent fears giving up all future connection with her child.
A Middle School teacher began the following story and asked his students to make up an ending: One child’s story finished very differently.
“My pre-teen-age boys get into fights regularly,” complained one foster parent. “It’s hard to stop them. My caseworker warns me against punishment. Help!”
The strongest material you can have in advocating for your foster child is a well-documented daily journal. Keeping a daily journal assists you when reporting to the Child Welfare Department or advocating for your foster child at case conferences and at court hearings, especially adoption. When opinions are divided, your journal provides you with reasons and documentation for your views.
Whatever happened to the old adage: “Experience is the best teacher”? Most would agree that is true. So why the heavy reliance on agency-run workshops or classes for foster parent training? Parenting can be learned and improved in several ways.
For too many people, discipline is equated with punishment. This creates a special problem for foster children who have already suffered from abuse and neglect. In actual fact, punishment is a rather ineffective method for obtaining compliance. There are other methods that work better. Here are a few ideas.
Many different subsidies are available for Indiana foster parents who wish to adopt. They include continuing your monthly payments, providing health insurance, reimbursing you for some of your adoption expenses, a federal income tax credit, and help with college tuition. Your new child is entitled to all the financial support that is offered.
My mother’s wrote: “We raised twelve children, both ‘homemade’ and adopted. People often ask me how I did it. But then I met Ralph. Ralph is the one who makes me ask, ‘How do you do it?’”
I want to share Carol Lynn Pearson’s moving poem on adoption.
You may have been thinking about adoption. How does a family go about making that decision? Like marriage, adoption involves a lifetime commitment. Not a step to take lightly.
Here are a few thoughts about when and why foster parents might benefit from legal help.
My admiration for what foster and adoptive parents do is boundless. I am honored to be their attorney. They have tackled the toughest job I can imagine, offering their home to already damaged youngsters who may well take out their misdirected anger on the “new” parents.
The Kenny Law Blog will offer a brief twice-monthly comment on issues of interest to foster parents, especially those who are considering adoption.
When a Cooperative Adoption Makes Sense
January 16, 2018A cooperative adoption allows for some continuing post-adoption contact. This usually involves a nominal offering of information about the child and/or the exchange of cards, letters and photos. Less frequently, personal visits may be permitted on special occasions. In actual fact, my experience has been that the contact tends to decrease over time as the birth parent tends to lose interest.
In Marion County, to save bureaucratic delays, the prosecutor refers many cases awaiting a court hearing for the termination of parental rights to mediation. The birth parents and the foster/adopt parents with their lawyers are requested to meet with a court-appointed mediator to see if some agreement is possible. When the adopting parents already know and have interacted with the biological parents, they have some idea of what a continuing relationship might involve. They can use that knowledge to develop a workable plan.
Cooperative adoptions differ from open adoptions. An open adoption recognizes the need to share personal information but does not in itself give the birth parent any legal right of continuing contact or visitation.
A cooperative adoption is not allowed where felony child abuse is possible. Other red flags are raised when the two families cannot get along or work together.
In over 22 years of practice, I have helped my clients complete approximately 100 cooperative adoptions. Although the birth parent may file a complaint if the adoptive parents fail to honor the agreement, this has never occurred to my knowledge. Even in that case, Indiana law makes clear that the adoption itself is irrevocable.
An agreement for continuing contact after the adoption has several advantages. Knowing they do not have to relinquish their child totally, the birth parents may feel more accepting and comfortable with the adoption. Fighting is minimized. The time before and after the termination of parental rights can be considerably shortened.
The child benefits by having to spend less time in limbo. The abrupt rupture of relationships between homes is softened. And the child is not left to construct a fantasy, good or bad, about the birth parent. Reality may be easier to handle than one’s imagination.
If details of post-adoption contacts can be worked out, cooperative adoptions have permitted hundreds of foster children to obtain permanent homes through adoption with minimal delay and without a court fight.
Cooperative adoptions are not for everyone. About one in six of my clients have been able to pursue that option. Only you can determine if that choice is best for you and your child-to-be.
read moreA Tale with Two Endings
January 2, 2018by James A. Kenny, Ph.D.
A Middle School teacher began the following story and asked his students to make up an ending:
Hundreds of years ago, a soldier came home from a European war. He was ill and poor and wanted to die. As he lay by the wayside, the devil appeared to him and made him an offer. “I can change your life,” the devil said. “I will give you health and wealth and romance.”
“What must I give you in return?” asked the soldier. “Perhaps nothing,” replied the devil, “on one condition. You must not take anything off, not even to bathe, for one full year. If you succeed in this, all that you gain is yours. If you fail, however, your soul is mine.”
“That’s a deal,” said the soldier. “I accept your offer.” The devil then gave the soldier a ring, telling him to show the ring to anyone and everywhere, and all money and services would be provided.
At this point the teacher asked the students to write the second half of the story. All the stories followed a similar pattern up to the last minute. The soldier complied perfectly about taking nothing off. He used the ring to gain health from a medical man. Whenever he showed the ring, he was given money and he bought housing and a carriage and servants.
When the year was almost up, he came upon a beautiful maiden in distress. He bound up her wounds, gave her money, and took her to her home. She fell in love with the soldier. Her father approved and they planned to marry.
His bride-to-be, of course, was curious about his unwillingness to remove or change his clothes. He explained that he had taken a vow to keep them on for a year. She was satisfied.
And all the stories resulted in the devil being foiled and ended “happily forever after” – except for one. In this single story, on the night before their marriage, the young soldier, happily in love with his bride, gave her his precious ring as a token of his love.
As the young soldier walked to the church to be married, the devil came for his soul. “Oh no,” said the soldier. “I followed all your rules and took off nothing.”
“Not true,” replied the devil. “You took off my ring to give to your lady as a wedding pledge.” And the soldier was taken away and lost everything.
The teacher was puzzled. Why would this young student compose such a different ending? “I checked into his background,” he told us. “Only one thing separated him from his classmates. He was a foster child.”
read moreWhen Kids Fight
December 19, 2017by James A. Kenny, Ph.D.
“My pre-teen-age boys get into fights regularly,” complained one foster parent. “It’s hard to stop them. My caseworker warns me against punishment. Help!”
Too many parents use the L-Y-P method of discipline (Lecture-Yell-Punish). After some misbehavior, the parent begins with logic, by explaining at length. Shortly, the lecture may deteriorate into nagging, and sometimes gives way to demanding and shouting by the parent. When that doesn’t work, the parent may threaten and punish.
There is more to discipline than punishment. There are better methods available for obtaining compliance. The important goal is not to punish but to stop the misbehavior.
Fighting between siblings is as old as mankind. Not just foster children. Even animal sibs go after each other. The combatants are scrambling for dominance, for recognition, for possessions, or simply to get their way. Some parents attempt to referee the issue. They may try a sermon about how we need to be nice and not hurt other people. Or they intervene with a demand that the fighting stop. If the combatants are truly angry, that is like trying to hold back a river flowing downhill.
Don’t waste time arguing. Instead, take action. Call a time-out. Physically separate the combatants. Then distract at least one of them with an alternate activity. Having them perform an action will be more effective than asking them to sit still.
Perhaps they can be directed to a pre-assigned special chair. One family made the separation and distraction into a game they called Hugo (“You go….”) The child who was designated as Hugo was sent somewhere else, outside or to the kitchen. The parents were surprised when being named Hugo became seen as a treat. “Why can’t I be Hugo?” The game was good discipline because it stopped the fighting.
Ritualized dueling with nerf balls or water balloons is an active game that may help defuse fighting. The parent hands each child a nerf ball and announces that a duel will be held. Then dad places the battlers back to back, hands them their “weapon,” and counts off three steps, after which they can turn and fire. When it works, the duel can capture the angry energy and translate it into laughter and fun. Good luck!
read moreHow to Keep a Journal on Your Foster Child
December 5, 2017The strongest material you can have in advocating for your foster child is a well-documented daily journal. Keeping a daily journal assists you when reporting to the Child Welfare Department or advocating for your foster child at case conferences and at court hearings. When opinions are divided, your journal provides you with reasons and documentation for your views.
You can keep your journal on the Internet in a designated site or folder, in a simple inexpensive notebook, or even on scraps of paper to be typed into your Internet site or entered into your child’s notebook later when it is more convenient. Be sure to write the date and the child’s name at the start of each entry. This can be important should a dispute arise at a later time. It is best to keep a separate site or notebook for each child.
Judges can only make decisions about a child’s case plan based on the information presented in court. The information, as presented by the Child Welfare Department or the birth parents, is often incomplete, biased, or just plain wrong. Your foster child depends on you as the most informed person in the courtroom to give the judge accurate information about his or her needs. Your journal can provide critical written evidence which can correct misinformation and bolster your position for what is in the child’s best interests. Federal law states that you have the right to present both written and oral evidence to the court.
Include everything in your journal, the more information the better. You never know what problems may develop. Here are some situations where a daily journal is extremely helpful:
- You may need to defend yourself against a false allegation of abuse or neglect.
- You may feel that a proposed visitation with a particular person would be harmful to the child.
- You may be pursuing an adoption which one or both birth parents are contesting.
- You want to prepare a Life Book recording all that you know about your foster child’s past and present.
Write on a regular basis, daily or at least every few days. Set a regular time to write and stick to it. If you decide to write “when you get around to it,” the days will fly by and nothing will be recorded. Be sure to write when your foster child has had some special event in his or her life.
Do not use your journal to attack the birth parents, the Child Welfare Department or any other interested parties. Instead pretend you are a camera, and record what happened each day. Did the child cry, laugh, get angry, act out, appear sad? Describe any actions of the child which lead to your conclusion: failing to eat, unexplained sickness or vomiting; fighting with another child in the household; destructive behavior of any kind. Describe the good things as well: school successes, kindnesses, good interactions with peers. Remember....facts, not feelings.
Start today to keep a journal. Your foster child can benefit from your documentation.
Learn more at www.fosterparentjournal.org.
read more