Peter A. Kenny's
Adoption and Foster Care Law Blog
Here, I write about foster parenting and legal issues related to foster care and adoption.
New posts come twice a month.
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Ideas from an attorney and a psychologist on how to raise foster and adopted children
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My 18-year-old adopted son will be graduating from high school in the Spring. I want him to apply to college and receive an education. He wants to get a job. Help.
The fact that he is adopted should make no difference. You should respond the same way you would if he were your birth child. But before you do, here are a few things you might consider.
Prevention by reining in a teen’s time away from home late at night is a good parental strategy. It is important to know where your youngsters are, especially later at night. Especially for teens when the odds go up for car crashes, sex, and other life-changing events.
Attorney Peter Kenny announces the publication of his third book: Making a Difference: Foster Care and Adoption. His book contains over 70 single-page topics, all of which are of major interest to foster and adoptive parents. The book is inspiring, and practical, a quick and easy read.
By Mary Kenny
I am so unfulfilled I have a house a car a job a loving spouse But I have no child. I need a child- I need a child so I can grow- Maybe I should adopt. *** I am so blessed I have a home a car a job a loving spouse But I have no child. I have so much to share. I need to help a child- Help a child to grow- Maybe I should adopt.
Foster parents, like other people, learn best from experience. Which means that those new to fostering are at a disadvantage. Even if they have already raised children of their own, Foster parenting presents some unique challenges.
A friend of mine complained that his eleven- and thirteen-year-old foster sons frequently spiced their talk with crude sexual and violent words.
Your new foster child appears at your door, frequently with nothing more than bare essentials.
To raise consciousness about how a child feels at that moment, here is a memorable exercise that has been used during foster parent training. To begin, the leader asks you to write down on five separate slips of paper the five things you value most.
Five-year-olds and up are capable of learning and performing several household chores.
"We have had our five-year-old foster daughter for six months and are hoping to adopt her. She causes no trouble but is like a shy little mouse with few words and big eyes. How can we break through and communicate with her?"
Frequently at foster parent gatherings the organizers will trot out a young man or woman who grew up in foster care and is now educated and successful in a career as a teacher, writer, or in another productive field. This child would be a high achiever in any field, but remains unusual. Most adopted children, like all developing youngsters, are works in progress.
“We have had our foster child for almost two years and nothing seems to be happening. Mother makes a little progress and then relapses. How long will this go on? When does the state give up on reunification and look for another permanent home?”
“Constantly in motion. That’s our first-grader, Jonny. If I can get him to stop for a minute, he stays poised on the edge of his seat, ready to run off as soon as I say okay….His mind is just as undisciplined, jumping from one thought to another. Homework time is a nightmare. His doctor prescribed medication to calm him without much success. Any ideas?”
One simple and meaningful way to get to know your foster/adopted child is to help him or her collect their history in pictures and stories in their own homemade personal book. Whether you are able to adopt the child or not, a picture-story book will become a treasure for a child who lacks “possessions.”
The child fares better when foster parents and the birth parent can get along. Mutual distrust and hostility, often based on a lack of information, serve no one. You don’t have to agree with one another. But foster parents do need to withhold judgment. And show courtesy and respect for the person.
To paraphrase the former Peace Corps slogan, foster parenting is the toughest job you’ll ever love. You have chosen a difficult path. Instead of a big cheering section, you are likely to face problems, and even be blamed unfairly when things go wrong.
We were attending Grandparents’ Day at the elementary school of our youngest grandchildren. Several of the children were showing pictures of themselves as babies being held and admired by their grandparents. “I don’t have any baby pictures,” my young granddaughter said matter-of-factly. “I don’t know what I looked like when I was a baby.”
Why older foster children think teen adoption is a great idea:
“As a football coach, I always had to be ready to overcome unexpected challenges. With injuries, crowd noise, and especially weather, the game plan is always adjusting to adversity.”
My father, Dr. Jim Kenny, wrote the following article on how he felt about being the adoptive father of my brother and three sisters.
In my last blog entry, I asked you to imagine welcoming your new ten-year-old foster son. He certainly feels alone and scared and may express that by acting cocksure, or more likely quiet and reserved at first. From a psychologist who was also a foster parent, here are a few hints on how you might respond.
Imagine your new foster son has just come in the door. His name is Eric, he is ten years old, and is clutching a paper sack holding everything he owns. Not much. You greet him warmly and tell him he is welcome. But you don’t really know him. All you have to go by are your expectations. Here are a few thoughts you might consider.
Caseworkers and DCS conferences do not have the final word about removal, placement, and possible adoption of Indiana children in foster care. Courts are where these ultimate decisions are made. Foster parents have rights to be heard in court.
My father, Dr. Jim Kenny, with the help of an artist from Stone Belt in Indiana, recently wrote a children’s story about a little monkey who loses both parents and begins searching the jungle, looking for them. After many adventures, he discovers a family of chimpanzees who offer him a permanent home. Little Lost Monkey is a foster-to-adopt story.
Here is our definition which has been used to support adoption in many courts throughout the US: “Bonding is a significant reciprocal attachment which both parties want and expect to continue, and is interrupted at peril to the parties involved.” Interrupted bonding is strongly correlated with adult mental illness, crime, poverty, and homelessness. Bonding can be demonstrated by 24/7the amount of time spent together, by community support, and by statements from the parties involved.
A cooperative adoption allows for some continuing post-adoption contact. This usually involves a nominal offering of information about the child and/or the exchange of cards, letters and photos. Less frequently, personal visits may be permitted on special occasions. It may make sense when the birth parent fears giving up all future connection with her child.
A Middle School teacher began the following story and asked his students to make up an ending: One child’s story finished very differently.
“My pre-teen-age boys get into fights regularly,” complained one foster parent. “It’s hard to stop them. My caseworker warns me against punishment. Help!”
The strongest material you can have in advocating for your foster child is a well-documented daily journal. Keeping a daily journal assists you when reporting to the Child Welfare Department or advocating for your foster child at case conferences and at court hearings, especially adoption. When opinions are divided, your journal provides you with reasons and documentation for your views.
Whatever happened to the old adage: “Experience is the best teacher”? Most would agree that is true. So why the heavy reliance on agency-run workshops or classes for foster parent training? Parenting can be learned and improved in several ways.
For too many people, discipline is equated with punishment. This creates a special problem for foster children who have already suffered from abuse and neglect. In actual fact, punishment is a rather ineffective method for obtaining compliance. There are other methods that work better. Here are a few ideas.
Many different subsidies are available for Indiana foster parents who wish to adopt. They include continuing your monthly payments, providing health insurance, reimbursing you for some of your adoption expenses, a federal income tax credit, and help with college tuition. Your new child is entitled to all the financial support that is offered.
My mother’s wrote: “We raised twelve children, both ‘homemade’ and adopted. People often ask me how I did it. But then I met Ralph. Ralph is the one who makes me ask, ‘How do you do it?’”
I want to share Carol Lynn Pearson’s moving poem on adoption.
You may have been thinking about adoption. How does a family go about making that decision? Like marriage, adoption involves a lifetime commitment. Not a step to take lightly.
Here are a few thoughts about when and why foster parents might benefit from legal help.
My admiration for what foster and adoptive parents do is boundless. I am honored to be their attorney. They have tackled the toughest job I can imagine, offering their home to already damaged youngsters who may well take out their misdirected anger on the “new” parents.
The Kenny Law Blog will offer a brief twice-monthly comment on issues of interest to foster parents, especially those who are considering adoption.
My Mother's Thoughts on Adoption
September 26, 2017I want to share my mother’s reflections. She has written the following on “The Power of One.”
In my mother's words: We raised twelve children, both “homemade” and adopted, and people often ask, “How did you do it?” But last week I met Ralph, and Ralph is the one who makes me ask, “How do you do it?”
Ralph is a single parent, a divorced dad whose children are now grown. Five years ago Ralph decided he needed a challenge. He viewed a web site where older children are available for adoption, and he chose 10-year-old David. Like most children who have been in foster care for many years, David had collected a lot of baggage which he brought to the new relationship. “I knew it would be a challenge,” says Ralph. “I just didn’t know how much of a challenge.”
Through David, Ralph has been introduced to the police more than once. He has been called to the school more times than he can count. He sometimes gets an uneasy feeling that others are judging him. If David has problems, do others assume he is failing as a parent? Does Ralph himself worry that he might be failing as a parent?
But Ralph is not put off by the difficulties. David is now 15, and after five years as Ralph’s son there are some bright moments. Ralph knows that children are not raised in a vacuum. “I take all the help I can get,” says Ralph. David’s “Big Brother” reaches out to him, even arranging for him to be the ball boy for the Pacers one evening. Discovering that he can play football and that he is good at it has motivated David to take more interest in school and to do better at his studies. His football coach takes a personal interest in David and gives him much more than coaching skills.
Five years and counting. One single dad. One troubled child. One child who now has someone he can trust, someone who will never give up on him. David now has the potential to become an adult who is comfortable with himself and who can give to others. Can Ralph or any of us take on a more important challenge?
Sincerely,
Peter A. Kenny, Attorney for Adoption and Foster Care
Executive Director of ACT (Adoption in Child Time)
Author: Attachment and Bonding in the Foster and Adopted Child
read moreA Moving Poem on Adoption
September 12, 2017May I share Carol Lynn Pearson’s moving poem on adoption.
My Harvest
I did not plant you, true.
But when the season is done,
When the alternative prayers for sun
and for rain are counted,
When the pain of weeding
And the pride of watching are through,
Then I will hold you high,
A shining sheaf above
the thousand seeds grown wild.
Not my planting,
But, by heaven,
My harvest -
My own child.
Carol Lynn Pearson
Sincerely,
Peter A. Kenny, Attorney for Adoption and Foster Care
Executive Director of ACT (Adoption in Child Time)
Author: Attachment and Bonding in the Foster and Adopted Child
read moreShould I Adopt?
August 29, 2017You may have been thinking about adoption. How does a family go about making that decision? Like marriage, adoption involves a lifetime commitment. Not a step to take lightly.
Take your time. In general, three to six months together in the home should be sufficient to decide if you can make that commitment. That provides time for attachment to develop and grow towards a significant bond. Bonding is defined as a “significant reciprocal attachment which both parties want and expect to continue….”
Talk it over with your spouse and extended family and friends. Welcome their support and their concerns. But ultimately, the final choice must be yours.
People adopt for a variety of reasons. Some people want a child that they assume will cause few problems. Others welcome a challenge. The child nobody else wants. Most adopting parents have a big heart and room to spare. Be comfortable with who you are. But don’t be afraid to take a risk. The only true way to fail in life is never to take a chance.
Once you have decided, then what? You need an attorney who knows the territory. To find someone knowledgeable and efficient, check with other foster and adoptive parents for their recommendations.
Filing to adopt a foster child is not simple. A good attorney can shepherd you through the entire process. First, a termination of parental rights is needed. Next and most important, your attorney will negotiate with the Department of Child Services to make sure that you receive all of the many post-adoption subsidies to which you and your child are entitled.
Good luck. Whatever you decide, your heart is in the right place.
Sincerely,
Peter A. Kenny, Attorney for Adoption and Foster Care
Executive Director of ACT (Adoption in Child Time)
Author: Attachment and Bonding in the Foster and Adopted Child
read moreWhen Do You Need a Lawyer?
August 15, 2017Here are a few thoughts about when and why foster parents might benefit from legal help.
Hire an attorney as soon as you decide that you want to adopt your foster child. Your child may be eligible for adoption subsidies which could impact his life for all the years of childhood. An attorney knowledgeable about the foster care system can make sure your adopted child receives all the benefits to which he is entitled.
Foster parents may also benefit from legal representation when important issues are being resolved at team meetings and in court. Decisions such as the placement or removal of children in your home, the medical and therapeutic services they receive, or their placement in school are areas where an attorney can help you present your case. Finally, should you face allegations of abuse, neglect, an attorney can present your case in an effective manner.
How Much Will a Lawyer Cost?
Fees vary. Some attorneys will ask for the full fee or a retainer fee in advance. If you are adopting a foster child, in most cases you are eligible for a payment of up to $1500 paid by the state which you can use to pay your attorney fees.
Who Chooses your Lawyer?
You do and your decision is an important one. It’s vitally important that you do your own independent research. You want someone who is familiar with Department of Child Services policies, state and federal laws, and who knows the people in the system. Based on your research, I recommended speaking with at least three attorneys about your case and ultimately choosing the attorney who you believe has sufficient knowledge and experience to handle your case and with whom you feel the most comfortable.
How Do I Find a Lawyer?
The Internet is a wonderful research tool. Also, the best recommendations usually come from adoptive parents who have already been through the adoption process and were pleased with the work of their attorney. Check with your fellow foster parents to find a good adoption attorney.
Sincerely,
Peter A. Kenny, Adoption and Foster Care Lawyer
Executive Director of ACT (Adoption in Child Time)
Author: Attachment and Bonding in the Foster and Adopted Child
read more